What is the difference between 80 and 85?

[totalwipebum]

No, not 5 :-)

My DF has just turned 80 and in good-ish shape.
A colleague of mine said today that 85 looks very different to 80, or in her family’s case anyway..

It scares me to think my lovely dad could age so much just in 5 years, yet given the change he’s experienced in the last couple of years I can see it heading this way. He was great in his mid 70s bit late 70s to now have been harder for him with back issues and a fall.

How have your relatives fared?

I think there are two things.
First, a steady, gentle decline, almost unnoticeable until you look back.
But second, an event that has big impact and is less recoverable from. For my DM that was a fall necessitating a hip replacement. DF then overdid helping her and hurt his back ....

There's no fixed rule. If you ask about deterioration in a specific age range, you'll get a lot of stories about that age range and not so many about those who had a significant decline earlier or not at all. But the same is true foe any age range.

People get older. Some do so faster than others. Illness tends to speed up the process, and activity (both physical and mental) to slow it down - although the latter isn't a simple relationship, because those aging faster are less able to stay active. Genes play a part, and so does luck.

Some people start looking, feeling and acting 'elderly' in their 60s. My father declined massively between 75 and 80. One of my grandmother's cousins was 'stepping out'¹ with 3 different gentlemen friends simultaneously when she was 94. Olivia de Havilland was working well into her 90s and David Attenborough is still going strong at 99.

¹ Not really out, they generally just popped round to each other's flats and played cards or fell asleep in front of the TV.

Completely agree with this. Ageing happens, and it’s unpredictable. Sometimes it’s ok and sometimes it’s awful. Enjoy every moment while you can.

There's no absolutes. What I would say is that health events that are serious but that people bounce back from at a younger age... well, let's just say the bounce is slow and reduced post 80. But if you don't have any of those events people can keep going well for a long time.

Its so individual. Its not possible to make such a sweeping statement. Dad changed dramatically between 90 and 92. Mum at 80.

Mil is mid 80s and has very little wrong with her, not frail at all. FIL same age where you can see frailty accelerating in him at a fast pace, reduced mobility, less appetite and so weight loss, higher risk of falls. By comparison my own DM is 71 and still work 45 hours a week and just won't slow down. Having been a nurse for close to 30 years I don't meet many people 85 plus who are not showing any signs of frailty.

Yeah but Willie Nelson will have drivers, and minders, and assistants and roadies all constantly smoothing the way for him.
He is wealthy.
I understand he still needs the stamina to get on the stage and actually play, but he can pay for other people to do the shit work for him.
That's fine and a good way to use your wealth in old age. But sadly not everyone has the means to do so.

My mother in law is 85 & still working 2 afternoons a week in a paid job.

but her dh who is 10 years younger isn’t fairing so well in reality

I think women age most rapidly looks-wise from 60-70. A woman can still look quite youthful at 60, but by 70 they all look old. Men can still be just about hanging on until 70 but they all look old by 80.
Physical ageing is less easy to predict; so often it's about mindset, which is just as genetic as cancer, dementia, arthritis etc. Although apparently lifestyle can also impact.
(Obviously the above is for people who've had a healthy, low stress lifestyle, not those who've had a "rough paper round".)

My parents are 85 and still pretty fit and on the ball. Only difference between 80 and 85 is they have given up driving as they both feel their eyesight and reaction times are no longer good enough. The only thing I have to do for them is give them lifts to the garden centre! Both their mother's lived into their late 90s so they must have good genes.
Some of their friends have gone downhill or died recently though which is sad for them.

I remember a GP friend telling me that all it goes wrong at 80 - like a patient would come in and she'd think, crikey what happened to them, then she'd look at her notes and think, aha, they've had a birthday since I last saw them.

Of course there are exceptions (hello David Attenborough and Joan Bakewell) but I think of 80s as being like adolescence - yes there were some kids with full beards at 11 and others with squeaky voices at 17, but by the end of the decade they'd have mostly been through it. Ageing is accelerated.

As someone has already said, it's the way people can recover from setbacks. So if these setbacks (falls, strokes, cancer etc) are avoided, then the chances are they'll be fine. But these setbacks which you might recover from at 50, just won't be so in 80s.

This is why is so utterly hubristic of Joe Biden to want to run for a second term. And what gives me hope re. Trump...

My mum was remarkable at 80. Fit as a fiddle, no health issues/medications, all her own teeth 😁 adventurous and engaged and planning further trips to African countries.

Post Covid, at 85, she is completely diminished. Dementia, that she aggressively denies, physical fitness going, aches and pains everywhere, won’t seek treatment. She often falls and hides it. She has moved to a separate bedroom to stepdad (they’ve been together for 45 years) and sleeps with her deceased cat’s ashes. Every day the routine has to be exactly the same or she becomes very confused.

Poor stepdad is trapped in a bit of a nightmare, frankly. He can’t leave her (she blows the electricity, leaves things on, wanders out and leaves the front door open). He’s doing his very best but at 80 himself it’s a struggle. She won’t allow cleaners/grocery deliveries.

It’s awful to see.

Often decline accelerates after a sudden medical type episode. Maybe a stroke or a fall can often trigger things deteriorating.
Basic things like making sure there aren’t rugs or possessions scattered across the floor to trip over, and that their glasses have the right prescription can really help.

Also knowing how to get up safely if they do fall.

In my mum’s case, there was no sudden incident. I firmly believe it was the isolation of Covid that brought her problems on. She was obsessive and told me at one point, completely out of the blue when I suggested a visit to her, that she didn’t need to see me or my family in person any more. We could keep in touch by telephone. 🥺

There is no difference between 80 and 85 that's consistent. It is 100% dependent on the health, physicality, mental resilience and personality of each individual.

My MIL is 81 and has been frail and a bit helpless (in certain things) for years. My dad is 90, has survived a number of significant illnesses, and is still fit and healthy. My aunt is almost 100 and physically frail but mentally 100% there but my cousin is 70 and frankly, it's a miracle to me that she lives independently....

I don't think there's a set age but I've noticed that people seem to be fine one day and then suddenly seem very old the next and it's always quite sudden.

I think genetics is a big part of it, my Dad's older sister still looks pretty youthful at 73 and could even pass for late 50's to early 60's, She's probably a bit of an outlier though, certainly not had any work done just been very lucky with her health.

A year ago another aunt of mine at 80 was pretty good and now at 81 she has been diagnosed with dementia and is rapidly declining. That is something that has shocked me with older relatives, just how quickly things can change and how rapid decline can be when it hits.

This. Someone on here wrote that "things move fast with slow moving people" and that's certainly been the case with FIL. Big change in the past year. He is 85.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot as my parenting are turning 80 soon. There is something about 80 that feels like quite a milestone but also a bit of a ticking clock towards the end. On the one hand I think it’s a privilege to reach 80- not everyone will but Ii very much worry about decline and quality of life and facing up to facts that there is not infinite time left with my parents. One is doing better than the other health wise. The other one worries me a lot- v frail with multitude of brewing conditions.

My dad is 87 and certainly doesn’t facially look it. At 80 he was fitting new kitchen units, painting ceilings, very fit. In those 7 years he has almost died twice and now has to have a pacemaker fitted. He really has aged in those 7 years.

My mother is 81 and is very fit, she certainly does keep on about dying though. I did tell her to give that a rest last week as I can see my dad getting extremely pissed off every time she mentions it.

My parents deteriorated a lot between 80-85, mainly to do with mobility.

Yes, so true.

Mine was out driving shopping lunching etc.
then a bad fall indoors
never been the same again.
now totally debilitated with carers, and so skinny due to loss of appetite after the fall due to pain and medication.
I still can’t believe the rapid change. She just can’t put on weight and is a shadow of her formal self.

And she refuses to do exercises and eats like a bird despite telling everyone the opposite and genuinely doesnt understand why she’s not putting in weight or getting her mobility back so her reasoning/brains not right now either, despite being intelligent and working things out in other areas of life (competitions mostly), she just believes the lies she tells us despite being well aware of the truth.

so sad for her.

My dad’s 85 this year and has just come back from a week’s driving holiday in Germany. He was disappointed he was too old to hire a van for the trip. He didn’t even retire until 75 (Doctor). He’s a bit slower physically than at 80, due to a knee injury. He's still driving a very large car daily, still working out in his home gym, still going out for coffees everyday, walking slightly less miles than before. His wife is about 10 years younger than him though, I imagine that makes a difference, though they do quite a lot of things separately. He had bowel cancer in his early 70’s, diabetic, arthritis and a knee injury but otherwise is very fit. He does look like an old man now though, scrawny and wispy thinning hair. I think it’s going to be entirely different experiences from everyone. I know one of my granny’s seemed very frail from about 65 onwards, both grannies always seemed very old before their time compared to today’s experiences.

walking slightly less miles than before

A family friend of ours had a health check when he turned 90, and complained to the doctor that he couldn't walk very far these days.

Doc: "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. How far can you manage? Ten metres."

FF (puzzled): "More than that."

Doc: "That's good. How about 10 or 20?"

FF (still puzzled): "Well obviously.'

Doc: "How about 50 or 100m."

FF (starting to get fed up): "I'm not that old yet!"

Doc: "OK. Well, how far then".

FF: "Ten miles or so. But I have to have a sit down after the first 5 now."