Packing up the family home

[SunnyDaysAllDay]

My mum died a few years ago and in the last year, it’s become clear that due to mobility issues, my dad will need to move into sheltered/adapted housing. I’ve been thinking this for a while but I wanted it to be his decision and then he just brought the subject up (which is great). We think we’ve now found a nice new flat but with that comes all the emotional upheaval of leaving and giving up the family home which has been ‘home’ for 40+ years. Dad is remarkably resilient about it - he sees the house as an obstacle to his independence and so we all know 100% it’s the right thing to do. A new one level adapted home will definitely give him more freedom.

I think the packing up will be challenging (there is a LOT of stuff!) and I wonder if anyone has done this recently and has any advice on dealing with it practically (and emotionally)? I don’t know where to begin but was thinking we’d start by moving all the things we want to keep into the large spare room and then either sell/recycle the rest or get a house clearance firm involved. But beyond that, don’t really know where to begin.

DM has recently moved into a smaller home and we did the following:
Went round every room with bin bags / recycling bags and we were absolutely ruthless about what could be tipped/charity shops.
After that we went round and put into storage boxes / aside in one room things that were to come with us but later on.
We then bagged and boxed up everything that was needed immediately to take on moving.

The only issue we had was having to use a variety of charity shops in two different towns across a few weeks as they often weren't taking items or only specific things each day.

When my mum died unexpectedly we started chucking stuff immediately but we did it slowly at the pace we could cope with…first endless Tupperware etc. last things were obviously clothes.
It’s incredibly painful, and we took weeks over it. We kind of did two passes over each room. Got a skip. Completely devastating to do but you have a sense of achievement at the end. Skip in driveway and a load of bin bags. I’m sorry - you have my sympathies.

We have just started doing something similar for my mum. I would say try and break it down into tasks that are more manageable maybe on a room by room basis. We have done her clothes first, then household linen, bedding etc. Next is the kitchen. Anything in reasonable condition will probably go to the charity shop. Once we have moved her and the belongings and furniture she is keeping we will probably get a clearance company involved.

We did the move everything any of us wanted into a spare room followed by charity house clearance firm when we sold mum's home when she went into a care home. It was a relatively stress free way to do it.

I've just finished this task for an elderly remaining parent, it took nearly a year from moving her into a flat until the house was emptied and sale finalised. (Very fortunate in that she didn't need to sell the house to finance the move ... but maintaining the house and all essential bills was expensive).

Like others, we went through every room and decided what she would take to the flat ... luckily she was very ruthless. Then decided what (if anything!) family wanted ... then it was a matter of deciding where and how to get rid of stuff. We didn't want the hassle of selling or giving away on eBay/Freecycle but that can be an option if you need the money and are confident using those sites. (I am not!). I took endless donations to charity shops but having volunteered in many charity shops over the years I am very aware of what charity shops can accept. I used to leave stuff on the doorstep with 'help yourself notices on it' ... amazing what went. I took lots to the tip.
Eventually I got a 'man and van' to clear the remaining stuff and the buyers wanted a few bits leaving which helped.

It is quite emotional and sad, I have bought stuff back to my own home which I can't bring myself to give away or throw but really don't want or need. And I am all too aware of leaving the same problem for my own DC.

In hindsight it would have been better to get a full 'house clearance' charity to clear everything... if a charity would take 'everything'?

Good luck - hope you have help.

Some charity shops will only take a maximum of 3 bags per week. We took Stuff to multiple charities

Take photos of Stuff that you throw out that have emotional ties, that you do not wish to keep

Emphasis on down sizing

We sorted

Very important stuff - documents, jewellery, photos, keep sakes

Stuff to keep

Stuff to give away

Stuff for rubbish

Stuff for charity

Stuff to sell car boot, auction, market place

Emotional, time consuming & takes a lot of effort

Emphasis on the end goal

I’m just about to do the same for two elderly relatives. One is in care there DH has said that they’d like to go in too.

Im getting them to make a list of everything that they want to keep them will be using a house clearance company for the rest. Luckily we know a very reliable and honest company.

Sorry I posted too soon. With the changes to Council Tax on empty properties and the associated bills with keeping the home I’m hopping to get it on the market within the next month.

Room by room. Have a box(es) for things you think you want to keep for you, but try to think a bit ruthlessly, how many trinkets and memory items do you really want. Most people will have been through this process at some point alas.

take lightly worn clothes which a saleable to charity shops along with saleable bric-a-brac please don’t take tatty clothes or household as they can’t sell them however some will have a rag service they can get a little money for (it’s helpful to bag them separately). If there’s lots of photos it’s worth taking out of frames and putting into an album perhaps. Don’t forget the loft and outbuildings

We used a local charity who specialise in providing free/cheap furniture for people as well as lots of other 'programmes' and also lots of links to other charities. They charged for carrying out the house clearance but compared to a 'professional' company it was cheap. They brought two vans - one for things they could reuse and a small one for things that were going to landfill. The lady in charge went through the whole house telling the labour which van it was to go in. I was amazed at the things she said they could use. The large collections of cutlery, pots and pans, plates etc she said would go into starter boxes for people getting their first home. Crafting material would be distributed to various groups.

Bunnny good luck with the house sale, took my mother's house nearly a year to sell despite being in a 'desirable' location and very fairly priced. Two sales fell through and there were endless conveyancing issues. It's been the most stressful year of my life ... fortunately now over !

My mum downsized to assisted accommodation from a large house recently. There was a huge amount of stuff after 50 years of living there.

1. She chose what she wanted to take with her.
2. We arranged for the local auction house to come and take all the unwanted items they would be able to sell.
3. Then on moving day the removals company came with 2 lorries, one to go to her new apartment. The second lorry to fill with everything that was left to go to clearance.

As a family we have found homeless charities to be extremely grateful for any and all donations. They will take much more than most charity shops. When someone is offered accommodation they have a roof over their head but it takes weeks for benefits to kick in. Household items as well as clothing are very much in need. British Heart Foundation also do furniture collections free of charge.

Homeless charities - Excellent call @TheTwenties !

This is the sort of service I’ve been looking for! Would it be possible to say which charity (we’re Herts) or message me please?
Also had to do this for myself last year, I was keen to have as much reused as possible but was very selective about what I took to my three local charity shops as I was aware they were helping me as much as I was helping them. Good luck OP, the positive is that your dad is on board and keen!

Sorry I meant to quote @helpfulperson here!

We moved into a house of a man who was downsizing for similar reasons. He actually left us some furniture, which was really helpful as we where moving from a smaller house. He left things like all the conservatory furniture and the kitchen table and chairs. It really helped us as we then didn't have to buy to much extra.

So if your selling the house mabe ask the buyers if they would like any furniture. Saves you having to get rid of everything and maybe helps them out at lest for a short while.

You'll never regret getting the biggest size of skip.

You don’t say how much time you have or whether you’re local.

I would say house clearance all the way, unless you’re very local and/or have a lot of spare time. What I didn’t realise until we needed to use one was that the house clearance company would keep to one side specified items eg paperwork, photographs for you to sort through yourself, if wanted. It wasn’t all chucked in a skip. They separated it out into what could go to auction (this was deducted from their cost), what could go to charity shop, what could be recycled and what went to the tip. The great thing was that they had links with local charities so got rid of stuff more easily than I could have done taking a few bags at a time. And had contacts for organisations that recycled furniture or supported homeless people.

I’d pull out anything he’s likely to want after the move first, keep that to one side.

When FiL moved into sheltered housing, a house clearance company was hired. Sticker on what he wanted to keep. The proceeds from selling anything saleable he didn't want, were set against the house clearance fee.

Helped that he'd been widowed a while and both kids had left home years ago. And the furniture was mainly postwar utility stuff!

I think Emmaus have a centre in Herts that does house clearance.

Good luck with this op. I love the olio app to give away things, you can also sell on it (i never have). Animal shelters often take towels.
Id also read the threads on here regarding assisted living providors. Sometimes there are extensive additional charges.

I can sympathise with the emotional side of your DF moving out of what was the family home too but it sounds as though he’s been very sensible and making a good move in a very positive way.

When my DOs made a similar move around a decade ago i though that I would really miss the old family home but actually my sense of home comes from them and my memories are with them. It’s also good to see the old home fixed up and full of life and my DPs thrived on the move to a retirement village. I hope your DF does too

It’s been 4 years since my mum died. She died very suddenly in her early 70s and mum was always synonymous with ‘home’. I think I’ve had time to emotionally disconnect from the house and it’s been helped by my dad remarrying (at the age of 80!) to his childhood best friend. Some of my siblings who live further away haven’t really disconnected and even though they know it has to happen, there’s a deep sadness. I just keep reminding them that we can take treasures and mementoes and take ‘mum’ to our own homes with us. I know it’s a long, slow process of letting go though.

We had a huge clearout after mum died when we sorted through all her clothes. There’s still a cupboard full of all sorts of things that were precious to her that I haven’t been able to let go of. A lot of that will have to go and I know that will be hard.

Thank you all for your advice!

I suppose I'm lucky that my parents downsized and then moved area (followed goldenballs whose since unstick to the other end of the country 🤨) so I've no sentimental attachment to mum's home which will make things a lot easier when I finally convince mum she needs to be in a care home. I'll be too releived to care by then, currently anticipating her being arrested but that story i for another post.