DM and DF not listening

[themagicmonkey]

Not a huge issue compared to some of these threads, but I'm really struggling to get my elderly parents to acknowledge and consider some of my advice. Eg:

• they want to move house but won't take the most obvious first steps (taken a year to get a valuation now for the most mundane reasons). Like many of their generation the house is worth a fortune and I've explained before that even a little bit of help, IF they decide to sell and downsize, would make a huge difference to me. The inertia is starting to feel hurtful - could they not at least go through the motions of trying to help out and show some willingness to begin a long process?
• have suggested a few small things to help their health (try and walk daily, go to the cafe round the corner once a week for a change of scenery, some planning of what needs to be done that week etc). Nothing.

Not sure I'm being unreasonable here, but I do find the almost willful ignoring increasingly upsetting. Any advice?

Are you helping them out regularly? Be a bit less available.

Two can play at being selfish......

If they are not taking even the first steps then they do not really want to move house. I’d suggest stopping talking about that one.

the second one - most people don’t do what they need to do to stay healthy. Everyone knows smoking and drinking is bad for you yet people do it anyway. Everyone knows exercise is good for you but most people don’t do enough.

they are just being human.

Do they want to move?

Or think they ought to. Theyre two very different things.

I think it's more anxiety than not wanting to move per se (I genuinely think they do). I'd hope that if somebody's close family said "you know, it would make me happier if you tried to stop smoking because I'm worried about the impact", there'd at least be an attempt to acknowledge that!

I have been thinking this recently. Guess my concern is that these issues are going to get more complex, and if they don't value my advice or support now, why should I keep trying? It's the lack of give and take - validation, we've heard what you're saying, here we are going through the motions to show we've listened - which upsets.

Are you my sister? 🤔😃

I think you just have to let it go really. If they won't do things they won't. It's frustrating but you can't make them.

With my dm and df it's annoying because not that long ago they were dealing with an elderly aunt who had a "mind of her own", couldn't keep up with technology (in that case it was the whole point of cordless phones being they didn't need to sit on the charging base).

My sister is constantly trying to get my parents to drink water. Much to my mother's annoyance. Mum was even more annoyed because her GP told her too! She was annoyed because my sister was correct. 🙄 I don't think my mum has taken much notice of the GP or my sister.

I think you have to just try not to take these things personally.

Have you considered what the blockers are for your elderly parents in terms of moving house ? We had a similar scenario where parents really weren’t safe in their home / very expensive to maintain which they couldn’t really afford etc. and were resistant to the change. When my siblings and I probed further and considered the issue we realised the issue was that they didn’t actually know how to buy / sell a house and their way of dealing with it was to say they wanted to stay.

How we managed to get them to agree to move and downsize was we explained the process but we agreed to take it on for them - we liaised with solicitors / EAs etc. ( with letters of authority from DPs) . We also set out their finances to demonstrate they couldn’t really afford to maintain the existing property and if one passed away they would really be financially challenged ( i.e. couldn’t afford to say). We also explained the stress it was putting on the family having to manage them and actually we couldn’t / wouldn’t continue to respond to their ongoing “crises” . Upshot it was painful but we got them moved and it has massively reduced the stress for everyone and they admit they are much happier in their new manageable home. If they still resist after a conversation then you have to let it go but also step away from the constant problem solving for them / sorting stuff out - some tough love.

Do they actually want your advice? Have they asked for it?

Were they a listening sensible organised type before?
I mean when they were 43 or 52.

My parents keep putting off moving. They even had a cash buyer who was happy to wait for them. When I talked it though with them, they said they just can't face the whole process of moving. They are in their mid 80s. We have said that we will all help them, but it's not just the physical act of moving, it's all the legal and financial stuff (stress) that goes with it. When you are elderly change and upheaval is hard.

It's probably similar in respect to your health advice OP. They know what they have to do, it's just taking those first steps that's difficult. Lots of younger people find that tough too!

Let them. (Yes I am reading Mel Robbins)

Let them not take your advice. They are adults and you will wear yourself out trying.

I speak from experience. Will my DM get her hearing checked no matter how much I have begged, pleased, cajoled, pointed out how she can never hear people ask her things, and sees me repeat myself to her multiple times a day? No she will not. So now I need to let her. Let her do it in her own time, or not. It's her choice.

And tell them you're ready to help when they want to go ahead.

Hi OP,

I had this with my DP and in time it became clear that one was completely deaf and the other had dementia. It was only when we hit crisis point and I refused to step in and help that the deaf one got a hearing aid and started communicating.

I think this period before you figure out what's wrong can be really very stressful, but it's likely that there is something substantially wrong with both of them and probably neither of them knows what it is or how to find out.

Good luck and take care of yourself. I think you need to say "no" to the demands that you can't meeting. That way the planning might start.

It’s not selfish to not want to sell the house you’re living in!

In fairness, yes, it's also not selfish of them to refuse to sell their house to help you buy a house. Your housing situation is not really their problem, and they can refuse, just as you can refuse to care for them when they are old.

though I understand your frustration for them you are suggesting a big event. they are probably in the house where they brought up their family a place full of memories. it is leaving behind a life which is all they knew.

Moving house is really stressful, even for younger people. It’s often worse for elderly people, especially if it was a family home for decades. A lot of memories, habits, possessions. We bought a house from an elderly widower who was very overwhelmed, delayed the (very straightforward!) sale multiple times for spurious reasons and then left half his possessions in the house!

Having seen two of my own relatives through this, do they understand the implications if they don’t move? It sounds like you think the move would free up money to pay for care, but they may not understand the implications of that, if they’re “managing fine” at the moment with your help, they won’t see that there is a problem.

Is the house in a problem location (isolated, no local amenities, not on a bus route type things)? Is it expensive for them to run? With mine it was having to stop driving, permanently for one, temporarily for the other, that made them realise staying put wasn’t a practical option. For one the house running costs were becoming unmanageable too.

I think PPs may have a point about the anxiety that the idea of moving induces, even if in theory they think/know it would be a good idea. My PILs moved house multiple times through their lives, the final time being in their 80s. My FIL, although sharp as a tack, told me he found it so much more stressful than their previous moves. Just the overwhelming amount of admin and stuff to clear, when they were just that bit slower/less mobile and the changes in things like communications and regulation which are much more onerous now.
Easier just to put the task off to another day, when they feel more able to face it.

You will either need to accept that they will do it in their own time, or, but only if they want you to, you will need to do a lot of it yourself. It is hard...

They've got this far in life, I'm sure they feel they can take care of themselves.

You come across as bossy and unempathetic. I’m sure your heart is in the right place but there is no way they can cope with the stress and logistics of moving house. And they have chosen not to go for a walk, go to a cafe etc already.

Let them be, or rethink your approach.

I have to say if my child tried to force me to sell my house in order to give them money, I’d dig my heels in so deep there’d be gouges in the floor…

I have noticed with my DPs that their world has become smaller as they have become more elderly and their capacity to consider others has diminished, so they don’t seem to ask or care about DH and I with full time jobs taking time to travel an hour each way for their care needs and have rejected getting in more paid help.

In this case you are expecting them to make a huge life change primarily for your financial benefit. I would just assume it isn’t going to happen and stop giving it airtime in your head. Besides anything else whilst it may make logical sense for them to downsize, they may well be past the point of being able to make that big an upheaval.

How would you feel if someone started badgering you to go for walks and give them money?

Oh sorry OP I reread your post, you want them to downsize so they can afford some help, not to give you money.
In that case I echo others, you need to step back. Mine are absolutely loaded I explained they could afford to get in a carer 2 hrs per day and it wouldn’t impact their capital at all, but no apparently they don’t need it. I have said fine, but am cutting my visits back a bit - it’s hard as I feel selfish and worry about them, but either they are fine or they are not. If they are not then we need to arrange additional care for them.

My new mantra is “ Their independence cannot come at the cost of mine” plus “There is a gap between what I think they need and what I can provide - I just need to live with that, as they are the ones with the funds to bridge that gap.”

It sounds like this potential house move would be basically a negative move. They'd move because they can't deal with their current house, or can't get around, or they need more care due to illnesses. There's also the immense negative of the entire process of moving, looking for somewhere, sorting out, big bills, upheaval, which is a negative for everyone but at their age will hit 300% harder. You can visualise the positives (a new, easier place to live, lots of cash realised both for them and you) but I think visualising positives that don't exist yet is much harder when you've older, especially when they only exist on the other side of a huge pile of negatives. Tbh if they don't find it possible to go to the cafe round the corner, just going to look at houses will be a mountain to climb.

Expecting people to do things that are negative for them is a big ask. And imo the results are unlikely to be the broad sunlit uplands. That doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't keep trying, but do acknowledge how unbelievably challenging it all looks for them.

My mum's move at 83, which was heavily promoted and underpinned by me and my sister, probably started aged about 80. Really she would just have put her house on the market and taken it off again multiple times, left to herself. We found that embarrassing, but with hindsight i will neber again feel any concern about inconveniencing an estate agent. Making any decision at all was much harder for her, and who can blame her because she was leaving a house and a life she adored for entirely negative reasons. And frankly it all cost a bomb and she was permanently miserable with the outcome. I wish she hadn't done it, mostly.

I would regard the house move as a topic of conversation, not a plan. Just say 'I'll help you whenever you want to do it' and leave it.