DM and DF not listening

[themagicmonkey]

Not a huge issue compared to some of these threads, but I'm really struggling to get my elderly parents to acknowledge and consider some of my advice. Eg:

• they want to move house but won't take the most obvious first steps (taken a year to get a valuation now for the most mundane reasons). Like many of their generation the house is worth a fortune and I've explained before that even a little bit of help, IF they decide to sell and downsize, would make a huge difference to me. The inertia is starting to feel hurtful - could they not at least go through the motions of trying to help out and show some willingness to begin a long process?
• have suggested a few small things to help their health (try and walk daily, go to the cafe round the corner once a week for a change of scenery, some planning of what needs to be done that week etc). Nothing.

Not sure I'm being unreasonable here, but I do find the almost willful ignoring increasingly upsetting. Any advice?

the house is worth a fortune and I've explained before that even a little bit of help, IF they decide to sell and downsize, would make a huge difference to me.

That reads to me as the OP wanting cash from the sale. Not them being able to afford to buy in care.

This ^^

OP you do come across quite grabby in your post. It all seems to be about money for you, not about making your parents more comfortable.

Either way, whether the OP wants money for themselves or for the parents to have more money available to buy in care, it’s very possible downsizing wouldn’t free up that much money.

We found that a large, isolated, impractical outdated house didn’t sell for that much relative to the price of a sensible bungalow in a location with buses, shops, doctor, dentist, library nearby. Not when you factor in the estate agent and solicitor fees, removal costs, stamp duty. On a monthly basis it makes a difference in terms of running costs but that only makes a difference to someone really struggling to afford their bills.

When you were a young adult did they support what you wanted to do or did they try to control your life? Just asking as my parents were always hands off but supportive. Hence I am making the odd suggestion to my father but it’s up to him what he does.

Bear in mind that although the house may be impractical and not perfect for an elderly person, it might be nicer to remain in familiar surroundings especially if they are starting to have any memory issues.

Do you think they might be eligible for attendance allowance? It’s a huge faff filling in the forms - I did them with DM - but she ended up getting the full amount per week. It would cover a few hours of a cleaner for sure. It’s an easier sell than getting them to move house, if this is just about them getting some paid support.
Of course DM didn’t actually get a cleaner in until she had a fall and is bed bound, but hey ho.

What did you mean when you said that if they downsized it would help you?

My parents were like this. Adamant they wanted to move. Bit didn’t look at a single property, once they’d decided on the town. Then suddenly bought a new build. It’s a lovely house in a nice area, but completely un future proofed. Unlike their old house which was.

Obviously my short, late-night comment asking for some advice reflects the full nuance of my conversations and relationship with my parents. 🙄

I can see that I might have sounded more mercenary than intended, but I can't really see the point of your shouty little comments. I don't think it's unreasonable to think that adults who are closely related and love each other can have conversations, including about challenging topics, and validate each other through listening. I'm sorry that your stance is different.

Thank you to others who have provided thoughtful advice and your own experiences.

No shit they don't want to move. It's counted as one of the most distressing things in life. It's right up there with divorce. If you're in your 80's you can multiple that distress by a thousand! If you've lived in the same house all your married life the amount of stuff you've accumulated is beyond overwhelming and leaving behind all the memories and your comfort zone is akin to bereavement.

It's not their long-time family home. They haven't even seemed that attached to it - the plan was to live here for a few years before us kids went to uni and they could downsize. 20 years later (which I know is a while, but not a lifetime), here we are...

I could've been clearer - it would help us as their kids through not worrying about where this is going (what happens if/when their health gets worse?), and trying to help them keep the house clean, habitable etc. And yes, the economy and housing market being what it is, it might free up a small amount of cash. But we all have properties and that's obviously not the driving factor in these conversations.

But "free up a small amount of cash" for whose benefit?

‘Paid-for’ care, i imagine.

Needing to hire a stranger into your home is something none of us would relish, when we’re elderly.
My own in laws recently had to get a carer for my fil (he has dementia), and my god!
My mil found it very difficult, for a number of reasons.
She thought that her neighbours would judge her, she thought her children would think she was old and doddery, she thought the carer would think she was incompetent.

Bless her, it was tough for her.

She’s a tough cookie, and 5 years ago she would have scratched your eyes out at the very idea of needing ‘eww carers’.

I love her dearly, but, she’s a blinking snob.

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, do they.

Op

have they asked for your advice about their future care needs? Seriously, if they haven’t then you are overstepping. Do they have significant health concerns? Is their current home unsuitable for them?

similarly, have they expressed a desire to downsize and be in a position to gift money to you and your siblings? Again, if not, then you are massively overstepping.

All your posts are about what’s better for you, not what your parents might need or want.

But it is selfish to expect lots of help and support from your adult children if you insist on staying in a home which is unsuitable for your needs.

I am not sure the DPs have requested lots of help and support from OP. I get the sense that it’s more frustration that the equity could be released and shared out and a bit of mild annoyance about lack of future planning.
Ultimately when it comes down to that time if indeed it does, DPs will just use the rooms they need and can access, the rest of the place will be unused so might need a dust and a hoover once every six months.

Oh I read the opposite, cash to buy in help so op isn;t the help.