Does anyone else's parent do this?

[HaveIgotbrews4u]

My mum has so many medical appointments and I dread them. She wants to arrive ridiculously early even though she knows there is no need and I am trying to juggle working and using tons of annual leave for some of them. When we are in a waiting area she will complain about absolutely everything, watching other people in case they get seen before her and loudly pointing out that they arrived after her (despite me explaining numerous times, that they may have an earlier appointment etc). She will claim hospital staff are lazy with absolutely no evidence as she has always been very well looked after, if she is even five minutes late getting seen she complains to me and keeps pretending to check her watch and commenting. She shows no understanding that people may need to be seen urgently or may be very unwell (she isn't). When she gets called in and does see a Doctor, Nurse or other healthcare professional she is completely different, she will chat and smile and never complains and if they apologise for the wait she will say it doesn't matter! then staff will see how she is 'Star Patient' or similar and how amazing she is!

No, I have no elderly relatives like that. Mine are quite nice. Is it a sudden change in her behaviour?

Why are you always going with her, OP? If she doesn't drive, and can't use public transport, why doesn't she get a taxi? If you lived 100 miles away, she'd have to take herself there, wouldn't she?

DM always seems to be full of nervous energy before appointments and will get anxious/annoyed if we’re not there at least 30 mins early.. drives me absolutely insane!

What a senseless, tone deaf comment. I take it you don’t help out with any elderly relatives?

No, she has always been impatient but I didn't have to do all this!

I would just refuse to go early and if you’re driving you pick the departure time.

i often just say hmmm and mmm to my mum and ignore bad behaviour like I do with my toddler. Works well

I’d guess she is anxious and seeks approval from the medical professionals.

If she queues in a shop, and it’s a long queue, does she get agitated then?

It’s very poor behaviour but I understand how frustrating it must be to be in the final phase of your life having loads of appointments and a cocktail of medication. It must be bloody miserable. I know it’s better than the alternative (I’ve been thinking about those poor paddle boarders who’ve been in the news) but it’s still depressing.

However, you need to take care of yourself too, OP. Your annual leave is important for your own wellbeing. The occasional Uber won’t harm. And if you’re driving you can call the shots about timing.

Its not tone deaf its an honest question. We work, we have kids, we have our own health concerns and worries. We can't ferry people around all the time that do not even appreciate it.

Would she qualify for patient transport services? Maybe a taxi booked for her?

She probably nervous, lots of people get white coat syndrome . Leave for the appt when u want to ( if you want to leave early mum you’ll have to go by yourself I can’t go at that time) and no need to explain things to her like a child , she knows how appointments work! . Just nod and hmm , she’s chatting shite , narrating her thoughts for something to say .

I genuinely don't understand comments like this

Thank you - she does get anxious but would never admit to it, but I will keep it in mind and take deep breaths

100% understand this as my dad is exactly the same having to arrive far too early for his appointment in the hope he gets seen quicker. WHY??he hasn’t got anything pressing that he needs to do. I’m also having to juggle a full time job and work around his appointments which are a regular occurrence. I do mention to him I’ll be working over tonight to make up the time but it falls on deaf ears. He is 80 and retired at 50 due to ill health so it’s been a long time since he’s worked and I guess he’s just forgotten what it’s like. At the end of the day I don’t complain I may groan inwards but he’s my dad and he’s always been there for me so it’s my turn to look out for him.

Mil is a bit like this - obsessive about leaving g early. She was ready to go to church at 8.45…. We picked her up at 10.10 and after a 3 minute drive we were still 15 mins early for the 10.45 service. I think you just need to be a bit stronger about timings that are sensible and suit you. Could she get a lift or taxi with others?

And about the moaning… my elderly dad is turning into victor meldrew. I try and encourage positivity but it’s not really working.

check her area for Patient Transport Services

just for example, if she's in this area, it could relieve the need for you to go every time?

https://www.scas.nhs.uk/what-we-do/nepts/

She wouldn't really cope well with patient transport (neither would her fellow passengers!) She is extremely elderly ( I am close to state retirement age) but appreciate the suggestion.

I wasn’t really meaning the increase in your helping her, but her behaviour/attitude towards things. It can be a very early sign of cognitive impairment

She has always got to places far too early and I am not concerned about her cognition (work in the field) as she is as mentally sharp as ever. Realise how much a calming influence my laid back dad was for her more than ever

@HaveIgotbrews4u If she is “extremely elderly” the nhs will provide help for her to get to appointments. That’s what happens for my mother. Ironically, they usually pick her up pretty early for appointments. Or you can keep doing it yourself, in effect discounting or cancelling out your own needs for a salary or holidays. It’s your decision and every family is different.

Op my Mum is 93 and very frail but she goes on hospital transport . They have two ppl per ambulance. My Mum is taken to the appointment and they pick her back up again. It's really simple and it works .

Yes mine does exactly this - I find it all very very stressful

My dm is in her 90s and occasionally asks us to accompany her to one of her many appointments, but none of us live very close, so she usually gets a lift from a volunteer organised via the GP surgery. In fact there is one in particular who has given her so many lifts we all know not just his name but half his life story! As far as I know she just basically pays for the petrol

Mine has always been like this. I think it’s insecurity and the need to make herself feel superior to other people. I hate the moaning about things but then never actually doing anything to improve the situation! It’s worse now her hearing is going a bit as the judgmental comments are louder!
I don’t do lifts to appointments any more. The distance isn’t practical (her choice to live where she does!). The last one would have needed 3 days of annual leave, and I have primary-aged children so it has an impact on school holidays. Patient transport would get her there early. Mine has an account with a taxi company too now.

Could she be bored with everyday life.

Unfortunately to a lot of elderly going to the hospital/medical appointments is the only day out they get.

To us of course we’re not considering that half the roads are going to be closed due to flash flooding twenty years ago. But when that’s all you’ve got to ‘plan’ your mind goes into overdrive.

I found myself getting a little annoyed with DH the other day (light hearted) because he had came with us to DD hospital appointment. We then had to wait two hours for the medication to be dispensed. DH was obviously annoyed and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get lunch as a family. But that’s because I’m a stay-at-home-mum and don’t usually get to hang out with DH on a random Tuesday afternoon 😅

Definitely sounds like anxiety acting out. If it wasn’t dangerous and unethical I’d slip her a Valium on appointments day!

Afterwards is she able to reflect on her behaviour and emotions?