Does anyone else's parent do this?

[HaveIgotbrews4u]

My mum has so many medical appointments and I dread them. She wants to arrive ridiculously early even though she knows there is no need and I am trying to juggle working and using tons of annual leave for some of them. When we are in a waiting area she will complain about absolutely everything, watching other people in case they get seen before her and loudly pointing out that they arrived after her (despite me explaining numerous times, that they may have an earlier appointment etc). She will claim hospital staff are lazy with absolutely no evidence as she has always been very well looked after, if she is even five minutes late getting seen she complains to me and keeps pretending to check her watch and commenting. She shows no understanding that people may need to be seen urgently or may be very unwell (she isn't). When she gets called in and does see a Doctor, Nurse or other healthcare professional she is completely different, she will chat and smile and never complains and if they apologise for the wait she will say it doesn't matter! then staff will see how she is 'Star Patient' or similar and how amazing she is!

I would go with organising hospital transport for her. If you don’t want to do this, just turn up a bit later when you pick her up. Go by your timings and not hers.
OP, it is not going to get easier. You need to decide now how much you want to do for her and then have an honest conversation with her.

Hospital transport is mainly for elderly frail people my nan uses it. She's in her 90s and can barely walk their brilliant with her.

My DM (90) doesn’t like getting taxis because she can’t pay in cash and because none of the taxi drivers speak good enough English to have a conversation with her 🤷🏼‍♀️

No, but I see plenty of people of all ages doing this sort of thing.
It’s a Your Mum thing not an age thing if she’s always been impatient.

But the feeling of helplessness and worry probably doesn’t help, and it is very wearing supporting parents as they need more, so huge sympathies there.

Does she get Attendance Allowance or eligible for it? Any chance of a regular carer / housekeeper who could incorporate that into their duties? I have a very unpleasant 90+ year old relative (been practicing her unpleasantness her whole life) and she has a ‘housekeeper’ ( with the qualities of a saint) who does 3 mornings a week and helps with everything: cleaning, arranging boiler service, takes her to appointments, which they try and schedule for her days, but she will do overtime if not as long as they fit school hours. A local person, not a care agency.

DH had the opposite problem with his dad. They lived a 10 minute drive from the hospital so 10 minutes before hospital appointment was when he although they should leave, completely ignoring parking and getting from the car park to the clinic in a huge hospital.

My mum found the journey by hospital transport very tiring. She decided to pay for taxis, and for one of her carers privately to accompany her.

It’s not just elderly people who complain and huff in the waiting room and are as nice as pie in the consultation/treatment room. It’s very common. It’s probably related to anxiety in most cases (some people are just arseholes though). The poor reception staff have a horrible job dealing with people like this at times.

I remember the day before my mum passed away, she was on really good form when I visited her in hospital and very chatty and lively and spent a lot of time slagging off the nurses for being overweight and complaining about the food. Very loudly.

I’m hazarding a guess it was fear and anxiety coming out in her.

Op not easy on you. My mam had dentist today gets quite anxious. She good timekeeper! I wont lie I find it tiring. Im home now my house like a bombsite lol.

Hospitals arrange transport for appointments. She would have other people to talk to in the transport ambulance too. Mum loves it. Said it's like going on a trip

My friend does voluntary work driving people to/from hospital and medical appointments in her car. I assume she is insured to do so. She collects them from their home and goes with them to the waiting room etc. There might be a similar, voluntary service in your mums area. If not for every appointment, but stop loosing ALL your A/L on hospital visits!

Why is it tone deaf @AusBoundDD ? Lots of people use patient transport and/or taxis when relatives can’t take them and it works well.

My Dad (87) uses patient transport regularly and thinks it’s an excellent service. They wait for you at the hospital so you can go straight home after your appointment. He sometimes gets them to drop him off at a supermarket instead and does a big shop! He then gets a bus or taxi to take him home.

It’s a great service for routine appointments.

@Maddy70 That’s how my Dad views it too!

For appointments involving treatment, a relative would take him. But if it’s a routine lung function test, for example, the patient transport is great.

My sister ran herself ragged taking the parents to appts murder just getting them in the bloody car, cant walk from car park, push wheelchair along miles of hospital corridors.
My dad is 94 very frail, slow with walking frame and gets breathless, hospital transport pick him up early, he gets to chat with the drivers, other oldies, as other poster said it is a day out, he gets to see and talk with people other than family. He only complains non stop to family but never with others so it is good for him that it isnt a day of moaning. We also have volunteer group in the village that do it but he thinks they are the god squad and will try and get him to church lol so he prefers hospital (in his eyes professional service) I wish you luck x

I run a clinic with timed appointments which usually run to time. Most days people (elderly) turn up excruciatingly early then sit there and huff and puff looking at their watches and unhappy when people are called in before them. I know as the receptionist tells us on Teams.
Once I call them in they are gracious and polite. And nearly always have a harassed (younger) family member with them.
It’s definitely not just your mum OP!

I'm NC with mine now but she absolutely ran me ragged with the earliness thing. She'd turn up to anything ridiculously early then start harrying the people she was meant to be meeting up with with phone calls because they hadn't also appeared very early.

Sometimes if I repeatedly and firmly explained that I wouldn't be turning up early for a particular occasion and she wasn't to bother me beforehand then she would stop hassling me. But it didn't always work and she'd just revert back to expecting everything to happen earlier the next time. It was absolutely maddening as I had small children and work and she had little else.

I'd make it clear you can't drop her off earlier and that if she complains she'll have to find another way of attending.

Yes my parent is like this. Thinks if they arrive early they will be seen earlier, we are not always available to take them to appointments but when we do we say we will pick you up at x time and leave it at that, the complaining I ignore tbh i think it's just anxiety.

Think they forget people work aswell. We try and share my mams apts. One has school runs so it falls to same people. Its difficult some times

I hope when I’m bored and retired I’m able to take myself to my own medical appointments. If able bodied I don’t see why I’d need my adult child with me.

I mean i hope you are able but If you are elderly ,infirm and just a little bit unsure of things your adult child will support you if needed.

We project don't we - what we'd want if we were old and infirm. I hope I am not a burden to my children and only need support in certain circumstances. They have their own lives to lead. Who knows if they will even live near me when I'm elderly.

My ILs were like this with the obsessive over-punctuality. It used to get on my tits, because I'm pretty fixated on being early myself, but they took it to ridiculous levels and acted as though arriving only ten minutes early was bordering on irresponsible. I don't know why they thought waiting around for a minimum of 30 minutes was a good idea. MIL in particular hated doing nothing, and she'd fret the whole time.

I do think there's a large element of nothing else to do/worry about with elderly people
I agree its OK to be firm about arriving early
What about having something to distract her while you are waiting, do a crossword together or something or ask her to tell you what was on the repair shop last night

My elderly parents are exactly like this - ( I could have written your OP almost word for word ! ) . I am always punctual and respect timings so the obsession with being super early drove me mad. I then realised 🤦‍♀️ it is actually me who can set the time as i am the one driving them to appointments and also organising them. So we had a difficult conversation about how I know how long it takes to get to hospital, to park etc. and I also have my own busy life to accommodate “”stuff” and have spent my working life juggling multiple deadlines etc. so actually am quite good at it !

It hasn’t stopped them getting ready and sitting there for an hour before I arrive and looking out of the window, but we have never been late and they always get to their appointments in plenty of time !. I still get comments about heavy traffic and what if we are late but i just smile, remind them we still have plenty of time. This also has the bonus of less time sitting in the waiting room so less time to criticise and moan about the staff etc. I tried to explain how clinics etc. work but now I just smile and ignore.

Remember you can exert some control over this as you are the one driving - like me you just have to remind yourself of that 🙂

It’s not senseless or tone deaf! I live 300 miles away from my elderly parents - in their 90s - and I have never accompanied them to appointments! They’d be appalled at the thought. I work full time and am ill with cancer. I go up to see them once a month. They go to their appointments by themselves, though I have arranged hospital transport a couple of times.