Wearing me down with the negativity

[Rumors1]

I am 47 years old so there is a 47 year back story to this that I will try to shorten to a few paragraphs! My parents are late 70s. Mam has some medical conditions but they are being managed. Dad has been fairly unwell over the last 4 years, cancer and advanced COPD. My parents have quite a toxic marriage, they never got along, always tension and fighting in the house. Always trying to make us pick sides.
Dad was a man of his time, went to work, paid little attention to us as children, he was pleasant but not involved. Mam was much more involved, wanted us to get a good education etc.

The main issue growing up was us being caught in their toxic relationship. I have many bad memories of physical fighting, name calling, emotional abuse, etc. It has had a huge impact on me. I was very alert as a child, always reading body language and trying to mediate and be the peace maker.

I have a number of medical issues related to over active nervous system eg autoimmune issues etc and I do believe there is a link to my anxious childhood and that.
I had hoped as they aged that they would mellow but in fact it has gotten worse. They are involved in a constant competition over who is sickest, my uses his illness as an excuse to do nothing for himself. My mam picks arguments over the pettiest of things.
I have tried on a number of occasions to explain how their negative behaviour affects me. It makes no difference as they can see past their own wants.
I have massively cut back on contact. I rarely bring my children to see them as they are picking up on the negativity and are being brought into the conflict eg dad asks one of my DC to do a job for him, my mam intervenes and says not to that she will do it later, dad argues that she wont do it later and to let the child go ahead, mam says no, child stands there unsure who to listen to. Whichever one loses the battle then sulks.

My sister does a huge amount for them but she is struggling with my decision to reduce contact. She wants to be able to say she did everything she could for them so she will have no guilt when they die. I feel I have done more than enough and I dont owe them my happiness. I am worn down by them, they are very selfish. I hate visiting and always leave the house feeling so miserable.
My dad is moaning to my sister that I clearly dont care about him as I rarely call or visit. I know I sounds very cold but he did feck all for me growing up, he had very little interest in my life and only wants me now that he is sick.

I would prefer to be like my sister but I am so bitter and resentful over the fact that I have for 47 years suffered their bad marriage and selfish ways. I cant see a way to force myself through more years of this. It is likely my dad will be dead in a year but he has been dying the last 2+ years so I dont know. In the beginning when we thought he didnt have long, I spent much more time there but I was really negatively affected by it so had to pull back.

My sister is able to ignore a lot of the crap they come out with but for some reason I cant. I have a very stressful job, busy with 3 children all in sports and I have my own medical conditions that I am struggling with. I played two sports that were my lifeline but I have arthritis that is damaging my pelvis so I cant do them at the moment and am in pain everyday and waiting on scans and hopefully some different treatment. If I am lucky I get a brief enquiry into my health and then they are straight back into their own health issues!

I would love to hear from people in a similar situation and how you dealt with this.

Hi @Rumors1 just wanted to say I understand the way you are feeling and it’s hard.
My situation is not exactly the same, I am 42 and my parents too have a toxic relationship which has worsened as time has gone on. They live a few hours away now and my mum is battling alcohol addiction. They are had numerous issues over the years and they clearly can’t stand each other but neither will leave so they just continue in this awful cycle and tell me completely different stories and get me right in the middle. I’ve told them I hate how they are together, how it makes me feel and I am not going to pick sides but they just think I’m weak.
I have to distance myself from it for my own mental health and that of my family and that is the best advice I can offer. Don’t worry about what your sister is doing and look after you and your family.
both my parents spent their lives looking after and being there for their toxic families and they have absolutely nothing to show for it now. Just years of their lives wasted.
I hope this helps a little x

Hi op I understand what you mean. I'm 48 with two teens and a husband and my parents divorced when I was a teenager but have never really moved on and stayed in touch moaning about the other one and trying to get us to take sides.

Like your sister my brother seems to do lots in a similar way but I have little contact now as it makes me angry and reminds me of times growing up.

Have you looked into CPTSD? Might be linked along with the other health issues. There's a good site online look at out of the storm and out of the fog. Kind thoughts

Your DF says you don’t care about him.
He doesn’t appear to care about you.
Hold on to that thought.
You are absolutely correct to minimise contact.

Thanks so much for the replies. This whole issue is taking up so much head space and I swing from feeling guilty/sad to very angry.

I am going to visit this afternoon for a short time, I am working my way up to it. I havent spoken to my mother in over 2 weeks (she blew up at me over an accident and is currently sulking as I refused to accept her half a**ed apology).

The tension in the house will be horrible but I need to get it over with.

I have made a decision that if they start the bitchy comments/bickering at each other, I will just get up and leave. I normally stay and try to gloss over it and bring them around but to hell with that I am not doing it anymore.

I have decided I will visit once a week but if they cant respect me enough to behave, then I will leave.

God I hope I never end up like that.

It sounds like you have made a good decision. It lines up perfectly with, you can't change how others act towards you, only how you deal with it.

Stick to your guns, and don't feel any guilt.

Boatloads of sympathy from me. I had a similar situation re being dumped on about toxic marriage and being dragged into their misery, from both parents and ILs. Its beyond grim to be around two people who just cannot stand each other, but are still stuck together for reasons of their own. It's truly miserable and really corrosive, and you're absolutely right to be setting boundaries for yourself.

They will never change, so you need to change how you respond to them in order to keep yourself safe. Believe me, I know that this is easier said than done, but if nothing changes then nothing changes. I really feel for you - dynamics like this really do take it out of you

You can get stuck in the middle - I get this from mine, dad going on about how he 'still loves' 'your mother' (never, his ex wife for some reason!) then mum going on about him in a negative way, I get where you are coming from, they are meant to be parents not using you as some kind of marriage guidance counsellor. Tell them to go to relate or something.

It exactly the same situation but my DF was very controlling with an awful temper. I have some awful childhood memories. When DM died was doing everything for himself which suited me fine but as his health deteriorated he decided to move closer to me and my family (only child no siblings to share the load). I had to have very firm boundaries and walked out on more than one occasion when bearing the brunt of his temper. I said to DH that I did not feel like I was being a good daughter but I was being a better one than he deserved.
the cockroach cafe threads were a sanity saver as a safe place to say exactly what you’re feeling without judgement

OP well done for staying strong with your DM this past fortnight.
Remember today you can change your behaviour.
You can keep the visit much shorter than usual. You can say, Sorry but that’s an issue for you both and not me.
You can say, Well I’ll let you sort that one out yourselves, and puck up your things and go.
Have a few answers in your head already prepared. Don’t say when you are coming back either. They don’t need to know when you plan to visit so if you say a week and you choose to stay away that will only fuel more criticism.
You sound lovely. Them not so much .

Very similar situation to you except it is just my mother who is ultimately the problem. As a mother she was cold, critical and judgemental and I have no love for her. She’s now 84 and my father 90 and she is nasty and abusive with an alcohol problem. She makes my father’s life a misery and is coercively controlling. She turns down external support that they need and it’s been a nightmare. Despite turning down support that would help them she also expects me and my sister to drop everything for them when they need help despite neither me nor my sister being local. Whilst I try to help and protect my Dad ultimately he will always support her. Whilst he does have minor memory problems it’s his general back-up excuse in relation to her behaviour is that ‘he doesn’t remember’. He tells us about the abuse then begs us not to do anything.

My sister does feel guilt and will jump to their tune then get stressed that she’s going to lose her job because of all the unexpected absences or having to work at unsociable hours to make up the time. I do visit once a week but try to go when my sister’s there as I can’t cope with my Mum’s nastiness. Since I have put boundries in place I do feel much better. I used to get wound up with guilt especially as my sister would run around after them. But then I rationalised it. It is her choice and as I’ve said to her sometimes you need to let them sink because whilst you prop them up they will never see that they need help. She’s had a mental health assessment and there is no Alzheimer’s etc her issues are related to alcohol abuse but she refuses to give it up. Again it’s a choice she makes and I can’t be held accountable for them.

Op I listened to a podcast which resonated which is called the Patrauma party. It is hosted by an enmeshed parentified woman with useless warring parents.

When you say you have to go round, you don't but if you are like me that guilty feeling will eat you up, it's physical and you want to stop that feeling as it makes you feel unsafe. The therapist on this episode was saying your body will do anything to stop this feeling, answer is to sit with that horrible guilty feeling you get when you think about not ever seeing them again, your body will learn that it's just a feeling nothing is going to happen, you are safe and will start to teach your nervous system the same

you want to stop that [guilty] feeling as it makes you feel unsafe

Interesting @TorroFerney . 🙏 I will have a listen to that pod. I have a theory that for some people who are bullied and manipulated by their parents “guilt” is actually more akin to “fear”. Fear of disapproval, fear of someone’s anger, etc.

The answer is to sit with it as you say, and your body will learn that it's just a feeling ; “nothing is going to happen, you are safe and will start to teach your nervous system the same.” This takes practice. Practice and boundaries. Keeping at it is not easy, but gets easier I think. I will have a listen to that podcast.

When I feel guilty I try and focus instead on the peace of not being in contact and how that feels, the relief, the other feelings I feel alongside it, also any other feelings which come up like anger or resentment, sadness. I find this helpful.

There were a few episodes that resonated, two on parentification and one on why we are always scared of being in trouble and then the people pleasing. There’s loads more, they were the ones I was drawn to.

Yes similar toxic parents and both alcoholics, my childhood was one of neglect, humiliation, constant screaming and violence. They didnt sober up until their late 50's, obviously the booze took a toll on their health.
My mum ran my 2 siblings ragged with demands for 12+ years, they live very close, I live abroad (hurrah) my siblings have always sponged off my parents so tbh they owed them care, I didnt.

Even phone contact was unbearable as they were so demanding it affected my health so I went NC. Guilt fades but resentment will eat you from the inside out.

My mum died, I didnt go to the funeral and I am trying not to be a prick to my dad but I can not forgive him the pain of my childhood, him regularly pissing his pants in front of everyone, driving home most nights so drunk he couldnt stand up, it leaves scars. He is 94 and I doubt long left, we were close once but that was him manipulating me into dealing with my mum so he could have an easy life.

The hard part is accepting they were shit parents and didnt care/love us because they are so selfish. Then it is easy to step away if necessary for your own sanity. It gets easier.

Thanks so much for all the messages of support. I am sorry to hear you all in such difficult situations. Big hugs to you all x

The guilt is awful but I keep telling myself that I dont owe them all this. I have had 40 plus years of being a peace maker and I am done with it. My poor sister is tormented but I know only she can changes things for herself.

I called over on Sunday and dad was in bed, he immediately started complaining about how sick he was, how awful things were for him, etc. I stayed a few mins then said I was making a cup of tea for myself. He called me back down a dew mins later to ask me to go to the off licence for whiskey for him but do it without telling my mam. I refused to do it. He was shocked and started complaining that he wasnt able to go himself and I said I was not doing it, that he cant complain of feeling so ill and then drink whiskey every night and that he needed to do a shopping list each week of what he needed and couldnt keep asking us to run to the shops for him each day. He was raging with me!!
He does that so there is no accountability for the crap he puts into his body - red bull, lucozade, cigarettes', whiskey, solpadeine, sugary snacks. When we are all buying it a couple of times a week for him neither one of us sees how much he is taking. I felt so guilty all evening but I am delighted I stood up to it!

Thanks for the podcast recommendation, I will start listening to that today.

There will be no pleasing them whatever you do they will complain. I would give some practical help such as shopping and tidying up where I could. They won't change so it's a complete waste of time arguing with them.

Well done, I’m cheering for you!

Why should the OP do that though, maybe an online shop but they could get a cleaner surely?

Well done OP. Putting your foot down is scary but it gets easier with practice. Keep going!

And me xx

Well done. I stand up to my mam but god its not easy. 80s. Negativity very draining

History aside, it is tough when your body starts going wrong with multiple problems as you age.

There is obviously a lot more at play here but I just thought I would chip that in over one factor.

Yes but that is no excuse for how you treat others.