I am 47 years old so there is a 47 year back story to this that I will try to shorten to a few paragraphs! My parents are late 70s. Mam has some medical conditions but they are being managed. Dad has been fairly unwell over the last 4 years, cancer and advanced COPD. My parents have quite a toxic marriage, they never got along, always tension and fighting in the house. Always trying to make us pick sides.
Dad was a man of his time, went to work, paid little attention to us as children, he was pleasant but not involved. Mam was much more involved, wanted us to get a good education etc.
The main issue growing up was us being caught in their toxic relationship. I have many bad memories of physical fighting, name calling, emotional abuse, etc. It has had a huge impact on me. I was very alert as a child, always reading body language and trying to mediate and be the peace maker.
I have a number of medical issues related to over active nervous system eg autoimmune issues etc and I do believe there is a link to my anxious childhood and that.
I had hoped as they aged that they would mellow but in fact it has gotten worse. They are involved in a constant competition over who is sickest, my uses his illness as an excuse to do nothing for himself. My mam picks arguments over the pettiest of things.
I have tried on a number of occasions to explain how their negative behaviour affects me. It makes no difference as they can see past their own wants.
I have massively cut back on contact. I rarely bring my children to see them as they are picking up on the negativity and are being brought into the conflict eg dad asks one of my DC to do a job for him, my mam intervenes and says not to that she will do it later, dad argues that she wont do it later and to let the child go ahead, mam says no, child stands there unsure who to listen to. Whichever one loses the battle then sulks.
My sister does a huge amount for them but she is struggling with my decision to reduce contact. She wants to be able to say she did everything she could for them so she will have no guilt when they die. I feel I have done more than enough and I dont owe them my happiness. I am worn down by them, they are very selfish. I hate visiting and always leave the house feeling so miserable.
My dad is moaning to my sister that I clearly dont care about him as I rarely call or visit. I know I sounds very cold but he did feck all for me growing up, he had very little interest in my life and only wants me now that he is sick.
I would prefer to be like my sister but I am so bitter and resentful over the fact that I have for 47 years suffered their bad marriage and selfish ways. I cant see a way to force myself through more years of this. It is likely my dad will be dead in a year but he has been dying the last 2+ years so I dont know. In the beginning when we thought he didnt have long, I spent much more time there but I was really negatively affected by it so had to pull back.
My sister is able to ignore a lot of the crap they come out with but for some reason I cant. I have a very stressful job, busy with 3 children all in sports and I have my own medical conditions that I am struggling with. I played two sports that were my lifeline but I have arthritis that is damaging my pelvis so I cant do them at the moment and am in pain everyday and waiting on scans and hopefully some different treatment. If I am lucky I get a brief enquiry into my health and then they are straight back into their own health issues!
I would love to hear from people in a similar situation and how you dealt with this.