Dad has had enough .

[marsala1]

Name changed for this. I will try to make this clear but succinct but am very upset about something my dad said this afternoon. They were staying in my home for a few days. Mum, who has dementia was doing her usual thing of asking where Dad was every few minutes and all her many repetitive actions. He is unbelievably patient with her. She wanted an afternoon nap, but wouldn't lie down without him and I heard Dad talking to himself " I love her, I love her I don't hate her".
They have been married 70 years in 2 days time. Dad has been unwell too. My sibling and I have tried to do everything we can but they are inseperable . She belongs in a care home but he doesn't.
So then he lay down beside her and she was asleep in moments as he stroked her arm. He then said " you just need to die , you are so unwell". Tears in his eyes.
No, there isn't any money in the family or life insurance policy,so nothing like that; he is just so distressed to see her like this that he thinks she would be better off leaving this world. But he lay next to her for 3 hours holding her whilst she slept.
Sorry I just had to get that off my chest as it is a burden I don't think it would be fair to share with anyone but my DH. I know Dad would never hurt her so that''s not an issue : they spent the afternoon looking through photo albums of themselves through the years . So young and beautiful .
Has anyone else had a similar situation?
I don't know what to do.
Thank you for being a place I can offset some of the load.
It really sucks.
I don't know how to help either of them without making them both even more distressed. ( Mum is 90 and Dad is 88). If they were split up - Mum in a home and Dad not - they'd both be dead within the month, literally from heartbreak. And devestated and distraught for that month.
They are both in and out of hospital. And ambulance call-outs ( Mum had a TIA yesterday.) It was just that I was there and recognised the symptoms. She's probably had them before but 3 days a week nobody is watching them. Im lost. Any helpful ideas would be really great.

Have you looked at any homes? There are some that will accept couples. It is harder when they have different levels of need (nursing care vs residential care) but they do exist and maybe your dad would find it easier if care home staff were dealing with all of the household stuff so he could just focus on being with her. If he’s 88 and having repeated hospital admissions, he sounds frail even if not needing nursing care. Is he managing to do shopping, cooking or cleaning or are carers coming in?

Your poor dad must be heartbroken watching your mum being ill. Its a horrible situation for you all. Is he getting any carers/help in?? As pp has said could a nursing home that takes couples be an option?? Sending the biggest of hugs to you all 🫂💐

I agree with investigating alternative care options. It might not be right but it might be?
What are the longer term plans for her if she becomes more unwell? Does she have DNR for example? We hit a point with my grandmother where we basically said ‘no hospital’. Hospital would have been awful. She passed away fairly peacefully in her care home instead.

We had them , after months of searching in a couple room at a brand new realy nice home. They were in separate room to begin with but mum would just get up and lie in dads bed so they'd sleep squished together in a single hospital bed, so the home found them a double room, and I was so pleased everything was sorted until I get a phone call from my sister to say she had taken them out and driven them to their house, bought them some food and left them there. I'm starting to think she's got mum;s dementia . Only took 2 weeks for the inevitable phone call from the neighbour to say that he'd had to call the ambulance as mum was very unwell and dad couldn't workk the phone. Feck. So now they are living with my sister and it's a disaster waiting to happen as she isn't there 4 days a week and the hospital thought mum was discharged back to the nursing home. but she never took them.It's a fiasco and extremely distressing.

Dad has a DNR . Mum doesn't.

It is heartbreaking to witness, and also part of life and ageing and death. They have had 70 beautiful years together.

Can anything be done to make it easier for them to remain together? You mention no one is there for 3 days: is that a problem? Are there unmet care needs that you are struggling to resolve?

sometimes tackling the practical side of things is all we can do.

Eventually, one will go into hospital and will not be able to come home, and you can maybe start to prepare yourself for that now?

😱 how did this happen? Why did your sister do this?

This has made me tear up because we are in the same position.

Mum and dad are 82 and mum has had Alzheimer's for the last 7 years. She also has breast cancer, osteoporosis and heart disease.

It is so exhausting for dad and even with a carer in every morning and my sister and I helping all the time, my dad is the primary carer. It's too much to cope with what is basically a toddler in an adults body. Mum needs 24/7 attention.

It has taken a long time for dad to be persuaded to agree to this (and even now he is having wobbles) but tomorrow mum will go into respite for the week in a lovely care home we have found. Is this something your dad may agree to? Even if it's for a few days to give him a taste of things?

I feel for you, dementia is simple dreadful.

Sorry, just seen your update. What did your sister do that?

I think I remember your other thread - unless there is another MNer with the same insane sister. I'm so sorry, it's heart breaking. You don't need to 'do' anything about how your dad feels. He's entitled to his feelings and it's very understandable.

You can arrange a respect from via the GP for your mum, we have just done this.

Was your sister worried about care fees eating up her inheritance something?

That is appallingly selfish of her. Could you contact the home again to see if they can find space for them again?

Some nursing homes are able to accommodate a second person in the room on a residential basis. I arranged it for grandparents. Much more likely in an independent home i should add. Grandad (without dementia) was charged 1/3 of the normal rate to cover just the “hotel services” of 3 meals a day, laundry and the activities programme which was in the non dementia wing (he got the code so could escape too!).

it’s far from an uncommon occurrence alas and i really do feel for your dad and all others struggling at the moment. I have quite a few clients with mild to moderate dementia at the moment

the hospital thought mum was discharged back to the nursing home

Anyone who knows about these things, would it be worth contacting the police in these circumstances? Would it be an ‘abduction’ technically?

I’m thinking if OP can get a double room again, can the sister be legally obliged to maintain whatever the SW has organised? And, would the hospital even have discharged her if they knew she was going to a house where they were left alone for 3 days a week?

Because she has never lived away from them, been very reliant on them and just hasn't seen or refused to see their very obvious decline. When I moved up here , near mum and dad and sister, I was shocked at how bad they were. Mum had no short term memory , Dad could barely walk and was constantly crashing the car. Their plates and glasses were dirty ( no dishwsher), I could go on, but they have always been the cleanest people. So I said they need to move, closer to us ( as in 5 minutes not 40) and preferably a retirement village - this was 4 years ago. She said they were fine and didn't want to move.I said it is a disaster waiting to happen, even putting aside the 17 step external stairs to get to the front door. I'd lived a few hours away for 30 years though seen them regularly but xmas and birthdays everyones relaxed and having fun and you don't really notice until you see people regularly. She was still convinced they would be ok. She filled the freezer with frozen meals. A couple of days later I went round to check on them and ask about food. Dad opens the freezer "See plenty" I asked them to show me how to heat one up. They both looked at me blankly. Both had lost their licences by then. Anyway I should shut up now. I have found the "Cockroach cafe " so will post on there from now if that's ok. Thanks for all replies. It's total and utter shite.

I am so very sorry OP for you and for them too- was actually in tears- I think your sister is an absolute cow

Just with this it's actually 4 days a week she's not there. I'm not sure if I wrote it here or in the"cafe" but the doctors vetoed my place after my Dad fell over one of the dogs. And as I was saying there I do feel like the bad daughter for not getting rid of the dogs ( but I love them too) and they are just as likely to trip over a cat or a shoe or bag abandoned by my teenager in the hall. Her 4br place which she lives in alone except when her partner come back from interstate job 1 week a month is a lot safer, The hospital where talking about going for guardianship until she told them that the home she'd just taken them out of 2 weeks ago would hold a room for them, They just needed a week to organise things. That was months ago and they are still at my sisters.

I was speaking to a doctor about a different matter and explained the situation and he said you will just have to wait for the next crisis , and there will be one, and then tell the hopital you refuse to discharge to anywhere but an appropriate care home. Basically bed block. It sounds harsh and my parents will hate me for it but I can't see any other way. Best option is convincing Dad to go to the care home with mum. But he hated it and that's why my sister agreed to take them out.
They told me they weren't happy too, but they'd only been there 3 weeks and I'd just say give it a try, you might make some friends, sort of jolly them along. Then "got to dash enjoy your yummy meal". It doesn't take a genius , and it doesn't mean I didn't cry leaving my super sweet mum waving me off from the door of her room with this little wave she does. ( She just bends her 4 fingers up and down a little bit - heartbreaking).
So yes, next time one is in hospital they won't be discharged until there is at least paperwork for a place for them. Don't know how she got around it last time.
That's why last time one was very unwell again ( I should have written all this down, my sister was texting me like mad, don't take them to the hospital or they won't discharge them back to me. )
And I'm pissed off she stole my Grandma's engagement ring. ( petty I know, but as the youngest I spent so much time with her and loved her dearly - and I'm dubious ther's been a break-in where some thief mirculously knew where the only piece of jewellery was)

I am so sorry for essay. Well done to anyone who got to the end.
I will update on the cockroach cafe of any developments if people don't mind. x

Just checking, but are you in the UK, OP, or somewhere else?

This is a horrible thought, OP, but what is your sister's financial.position and does she have access to your parents' funds? Do they have pensions?

Could you call in an elder social worker to assess whether they need 24/7 care? Are they both continent? Are they safe around the hob? Can they bathe or shower independently? What do they eat every day? Are they capable of calling 999 if needed and neighbours are not available?

No Australia.

This is a sister problem, not a parents problem imo.
care home need to be told sister can’t just discharge them herself. I bet that wasted tons of money too

My sister is reasonably well off ( not rich but o/s holidays and put child through private school type well off ) She has total access to mum and dads finances and has been getting their mail directed to her since before they moved in to her place when they were in hospital.I am thinking of asking for a copy of the financial statements for their bank accounts and shares but she will hate me even more than she does now!
I'm not the best healthwise myself but am having mum and dad for a week again soon, then going to hospital, ( I put hospital off so I could have mum and dad because sister is doing her once a year weekend perfectly optional "job "and she added a day either side. This is extra to her normal work but something she does for fun and cash.
I don't think she would steal from them, I think. I asked about weekly type finances whilst they are living at her place and she told me they are "contributing". That's all I know. She's caught me at a bad time as normally I could run rings around her but I'm just too fatigued to deal with it.

Your other questions - no they can't use the phone, that's why dad had to struggle to the neighbours when they were alone after she took them out of the care home. Thank goodness he was there, and he knows them well , so got ambulance sorted and called me. They've lived there for years. My sisters neighbours would not know them though I assume they would call an ambulance, but they wouldn't have my number ( or my sisters - she keeps to herself). I could go and knock and explain and givem my name and number for the 2 houses either side. I might do that actually. Thanks

Also yes, they have been assessed and have just started with a carer 3 times a week for a shower and a cleaner once a week. Still waiting on total package. The aged care system in Australia is so slow it's almost like they hope you die before you get to the top of the queue. ( sorry for bad taste joke but it seems that way). I need to get through the week with mum and dad here ( hoping mum doesn't have another TIA ) and then I'm off to hospital. May is just looking fab ( 😫

Do you mind me asking what a tia is? I’m sending thoughts. I so so get it. My parents in a v similar situation and it is unbearable.

No advice alas. Just 💐