Dad has had enough .

[marsala1]

Name changed for this. I will try to make this clear but succinct but am very upset about something my dad said this afternoon. They were staying in my home for a few days. Mum, who has dementia was doing her usual thing of asking where Dad was every few minutes and all her many repetitive actions. He is unbelievably patient with her. She wanted an afternoon nap, but wouldn't lie down without him and I heard Dad talking to himself " I love her, I love her I don't hate her".
They have been married 70 years in 2 days time. Dad has been unwell too. My sibling and I have tried to do everything we can but they are inseperable . She belongs in a care home but he doesn't.
So then he lay down beside her and she was asleep in moments as he stroked her arm. He then said " you just need to die , you are so unwell". Tears in his eyes.
No, there isn't any money in the family or life insurance policy,so nothing like that; he is just so distressed to see her like this that he thinks she would be better off leaving this world. But he lay next to her for 3 hours holding her whilst she slept.
Sorry I just had to get that off my chest as it is a burden I don't think it would be fair to share with anyone but my DH. I know Dad would never hurt her so that''s not an issue : they spent the afternoon looking through photo albums of themselves through the years . So young and beautiful .
Has anyone else had a similar situation?
I don't know what to do.
Thank you for being a place I can offset some of the load.
It really sucks.
I don't know how to help either of them without making them both even more distressed. ( Mum is 90 and Dad is 88). If they were split up - Mum in a home and Dad not - they'd both be dead within the month, literally from heartbreak. And devestated and distraught for that month.
They are both in and out of hospital. And ambulance call-outs ( Mum had a TIA yesterday.) It was just that I was there and recognised the symptoms. She's probably had them before but 3 days a week nobody is watching them. Im lost. Any helpful ideas would be really great.

Transient Ischemic Attack - they are like mini strokes. There isn't much to be done as she's already on all the heart medications, blood thinners etc. Sadly they are often a precursor to a major stroke. Basically, for a short period of time Mum didn't know my name, couldn't see, couldn't walk, was very distressed , just wanted to lie down but was a lot better by the time the ambulance arrived, about 20 minutes later. Scary.

@marsala1 thank you. I’m sorry.

A TIA is a mini stroke! Transient Ischaemic Attack.

You would be surprised how they cope being apart. MIL has vascular dementia and is in a home now at 80 and FIL 83 also with mixed dementia visits her on a daily basis. Can mum go into respite for a couple of weeks to see how he copes alone?

That would be ideal, Dad would cope, in fact , sadly he would feel the weight of the world was off his shoulders. It's hard to explain, but he has to be in her eyeline all the time, or holding her in bed. When she goes to the loo he stands outside the door and she calls his name to make sure he is still there.
She would not cope without him, but I think it would do Dad the world of good. He wouldn't cope alone but he could alternate living with my sister or me. Or make his own decision. I feel my dogs are an issue, I feel terrible not getting rid of them but once he is sitting down and they have calmed down after their arrival, he pats them for ages. He has always loved dogs.
Mum would not cope at all.
I have to ring my sister to find out how I organise the ohs report for the carer to come here as they have only done her place so far ( obviously as I didn't know about the carer or the cleaner) thought we were still on the waiting list. Even though I am registered as the other responsible person for them.

Honestly I think your mum needs a home and your dad has to live with you or your sister. Yes, your mum will be upset but this is just unsustainable for all of you but especially your dad.
It must be exhausting trailing around after her all day when he is so old and not in great health himself.

Yes, your sister is crazy and has stolen the ring.

I'm sorry I'm confused, I think you've made a typo but I'm not thinking straight but anything I can arrange is appreciated @WindyWendyHouse

A respect form.is a UK thing. It's a form that details what someone wants in the event are unable to express their wishes etc e.g. do they want all efforts to be made or just to be kept comfortable.

Oh thanks @countrygirl99 . I'm not sure we have those but will ask. I definitely have a copy of Dad's DNR , just as they were asking about it, he turned a corner and made an amazing recovery.I don't have one for mum. There could be but I don't have it. With the dementia I dn't think anything she signed now would be valid ?