Cognitive functioning and reasoning - it's on the floor

[Featherpink]

My mother is early 70s and there's no dementia diagnosis. I was seeing odd behaviours over the past few years but not so much forgetfulness.

There was an episode on Tuesday from her. Her cognitive functioning is on the floor. She's not able to organise it plan anything. Basically I have a sibling living abroad who would like to come home for a few weeks but he has a family now and he would like to take them. Because it's expensive and it's long haul, they need help with accommodation. We have a large spare bedroom where all three of them would fit. My mother is complaining already that it's going to be very cramped and she wants me to source alternative accommodation for them. However we are living in an area with poor housing options and holiday accommodation just wouldn't be available now or it would be too expensive. Her comprehension is 0. Her reasoning is so low too. There's no reasoning with her. She just doesn't want to house his family while they are home.

It hurts me because they are my family too and we live apart and so what if there's a feeling of being cramped, it's only for a few weeks. I'm sure loads more other people put family in a spare room here and there before visits.

Her cognitive functioning and reasoning is on the floor.

When you say “we” have a spare room, do you mean you live with your mum, or does your mum live with you?
I don’t think the fact that she doesn’t want a family staying in one room for several weeks indicates either dementia or lack of reasoning or logic. She sounds sensible.

Maybe she feels overwhelmed and anxious about 3 extra people being in her home for several weeks, even if they are family. I know I would.

Yes, I live with her in the family home.

There is a large spare room.

Stop. You don't have family live all the way across the world and then make excuses and ban them from home when they want to come home to stay. They are not invalids and don't need hosting. Just a roof over their heads after wanting to come home and after flying long haul. It's cruel from my mother and it does absolutely show a lack of comprehension and reasoning and other functioning like planning and organising. She would rather us all find thousands to spend on over priced holiday accommodation or have them live like tinkers from the back of a car. My family's plan is not a true holiday. It's a working holiday looking to eventually move back home. They want to start the process of preparing a site and building. So there will be coming and going for some years ahead all going well. Also my mother will never open up and tell my siblings abroad that his family is not welcome at home because the house is going to feel cramped to my mother and that's just an excuse by the way. It's not a tiny house. It's not big either but it's not tiny. It is doable. She just doesn't want his wife and her grandchild at home. Full stop. It's actually mean and cruel and disgusting. Who has a grandchild living across the world and then can't even stand them for a minute when they are home. It's not a little baby that needs full time care and attention. It's an older child child who is a little more independent.

Presumably it’s her house? Therefore it’s her decision. Her cognitive reasoning and logic sound just fine. She thinks it will be too cramped and too uncomfortable for them and for you. Respect her wishes. You sound angry and lacking in respect for your mother.

Your mum's 70 and probably used to her routine. Having another family staying, even if one is her own child is likely to be very tiring. I can see why she would dread the prospect of a few weeks

Btw, there's nothing the matter with her cognitive function, she's laying boundaries!

It’s not mean, cruel or disgusting at all. I’m afraid you sound a bit abusive towards your mum.

How many weeks is 'a few weeks'?
Going from a household of 2 to one of 5 is a big ask of anyone.
I'm team Mum on this one, sorry.

I'm round about same age and I have to say I'm with your mother. I wouldn't be over happy at family descending on my house for 3 weeks or so and from what you've said it may be an ongoing situation whilst they're attempting to organise a move back to the UK. She has her life and her routine and much as I love all my children and their offspring I wouldn't want them moving back in with me and vice versa. You're being very unreasonable about this.

Nothing wrong with your mother's cognitive function, she's not happy about it the extra guests. At the end of the day her house her choice

Well I would chip in for an Airbnb and go stay with them while they are here!! Dm can sit at home and sulk...she should be bloody grateful family actually want to see her!!

When you say family home do you mean your DM owns it ?

I am younger than your Mother and absolutely love my children unconditionally. They have all boomeranged back home over the last few years and have loved having them back home….but I am now enjoying not having to consider anyone else .
Husband is self sufficient generally ,and the dog is my only concern !

They would never be able to afford traditional accommodation especially after spending money on long haul flights and that would even be trying their best to book on budget. I don't understand, why not help them especially when there is a room there. Also because we live so far apart and it's a visit that doesn't happen often. She is rejecting my siblings family and that's all it is to it.

@Featherpink as someone with family both a long and short haul flight away I think your Mum IBU. Unless there is some family drama that is going on in the past/background.
I hope your Mum comes round. Must be upsetting

I honestly don’t understand how your mother not wanting a house full of people means she has cognitive decline ? She just doesn’t want the same thing as you do.

It's a bit concerning that you interpret your mother's opinion as being some kind of cognitive impairment. It really isn't. We don't know her- she may be a cruel and difficult woman. But your immediate slide into dismissing her because of her age is a massive red flag OP.

It sounds as if she is finding the whole situation overwhelming. My mum probably would have reacted like this more like at 75 than 70 so yes it may be the start of cognitive decline, but only the very earliest. I noticed around then that these sorts of very fluid situations involving multiple people staying with no end date would upset her far more. Tbh I would do it if I had to but I would find it overwhelming too.

Is it easier to think she isnt well than to think she is just more selfish than she used to be? It sounds like she cares more about her nice quiet home than her family. Tbh I can relate - my home is my haven and I have got more reluctant to share it as I have got more set in my ways.

Maybe see if you can get her to agree to a week? She might get used to the idea. I find the idea of living here and building a house on zero money a bit scary too.

There is no drama. To make it all worse. She was nearly homeless because the family home was in a distressed property portfolio for a long time from her ex-my father. It was only saved because a plan was drawn up by all of us siblings to separate it and save the place. Then to turn it around and treat us all like cunts cramping her style.

You’re coming over worse and worse.

Who says they want to see her though? Sounds much more like they are looking to emigrate back and are after free accommodation for however long while they get set up to move.

OP I don’t think you’re really taking her feelings seriously? She doesn’t want to host. Lots of people wouldn’t want to do that at her age!

Wow, I wasn't expecting you to throw in a cunt! You sound charming. Also team mum on this one. Your poor mum.

They are not emigrating home and not looking to move in full time. I said it's a short working holiday for a few weeks over the summer. To get them started with works and then come and go every second summer for a few weeks or whenever.costs allow.

Wow. It is not your mother being cruel or lacking comprehension here @Featherpink. I can totally understand why she wouldn't want this upheaval to her routine and everyday life. If you think your mother is so disgusting, why are you still living in her house? Maybe you should move out and host your brother and his family yourself.

I live with my aged parent as I care for them following my other parent's demise. I would never force them to do anything they didn't want to in their own home and even though I have PoA, I always talk through and ask permission if anything needs doing. I also have a sibling who lives overseas, and when they come to stay, even for a short while, it is very disruptive and can be quite unsettling for my parent.

Your posts have strong elements of elder abuse and safeguarding flags.

Yes, I find this rather worrying.

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding, but one of the updates suggests that this isn't just one visit - there are plans for them to stay 'every other summer'?

That's quite a strain if there's only one room for three people - and possibly only one bathroom for 5?

To be honest if I was her I would boot you out sharpish. You sound vile.

She doesn’t want her home turned into a guest house. You are using that (and trying to get your own way) to suggest she’s now mentally impaired.

What were you hoping ? People would tell you how to bully her into it ? Or have her carted off to a care home while you and your siblings keep the house ?

And this won’t be the end of it. You said “coming and going” for some years. It’s not just one visit. It’s many.