Cognitive functioning and reasoning - it's on the floor

[Featherpink]

My mother is early 70s and there's no dementia diagnosis. I was seeing odd behaviours over the past few years but not so much forgetfulness.

There was an episode on Tuesday from her. Her cognitive functioning is on the floor. She's not able to organise it plan anything. Basically I have a sibling living abroad who would like to come home for a few weeks but he has a family now and he would like to take them. Because it's expensive and it's long haul, they need help with accommodation. We have a large spare bedroom where all three of them would fit. My mother is complaining already that it's going to be very cramped and she wants me to source alternative accommodation for them. However we are living in an area with poor housing options and holiday accommodation just wouldn't be available now or it would be too expensive. Her comprehension is 0. Her reasoning is so low too. There's no reasoning with her. She just doesn't want to house his family while they are home.

It hurts me because they are my family too and we live apart and so what if there's a feeling of being cramped, it's only for a few weeks. I'm sure loads more other people put family in a spare room here and there before visits.

Her cognitive functioning and reasoning is on the floor.

Agree re: flags waving about elder abuse and safeguarding.

So your mum said no it would be cramped. You said yourself it would be a bit cramped. You say she has cognitive impairment and lack of reasoning but it sounds like your mum’s reasoning is sound. You need to wind your neck in and give her some respect imo. It doesn’t matter that the family helped with the finances. It’s not your house.

What did you expect us all to say? And you really are not sounding reasonable at all especially with the ‘cunts’ comment.

@Featherpink It sounds like your cognitive functioning is on the floor. Your comprehension is 0. Your reasoning is low.

She doesn’t want three people crammed in her spare room for three weeks. This is a completely reasonable, normal opinion.

Why don’t you go and stay with friends for three weeks, so the visiting family
can spread across two rooms?

Why are you still living at your mum’s house? Sounds like you should get your own place, then this wouldn’t be a problem. She would have more space for visitors, or better still, they could stay with you.

Op posts about her mum regularly, and about this scenario semi regularly. Op will never answer about living arrangements. It’s the same words so unless there are two people in the same exact situation it’s the same op.

op , she drives you mad. Whether you are right or she is doesnt matter, move out create distance.

Why is that your mother's problem and why are you making it about her cognition? She doesn't want guests in her home for whatever reason. That is her prerogative. You and the family don't have to like it. She may or may not be experiencing some neurological issues, I don't know, but she absolutely has the right not to want people staying at home. Those are absolutely two separate discussions. You do not have the right to conflate them to win an argument.

I’ve read some of your other threads, OP.

You’re in your 40s, you have a job. You need to MOVE OUT and leave your poor mum alone.

Many of the things your criticising your mum
about in your other threads (like she uses a stepstool to reach her mugs when she could move them to a lower cupboard or whatever) are just ridiculous nitpicking. Yes, she might not be very sensible. You, on the other hand, are cruel and unkind, and that is far worse.

Making multiple threads on mumsnet, stating all this personal information and criticism of her, is completely unacceptable. How would she feel if she read all this?

Do you have any respect for this woman? Do you pay anything to her for your living costs?

You have a job, even if it’s minimum wage you can afford a room in a house share. Just move out!

The fact that you are staying there by choice when you feel such hatred towards your mum is very, very disturbing. She deserves better than living with someone who is so disdainful and hateful to her (in her own house!).

Your attitude towards your Mum is horrible.
Why don't you move out? More room for your relatives then.
Calling your Mum a cunt and insinuating she's got dementia because she doesn't want another family living in her house for months on end... you're the problem!

How very dare you twist my earlier posts by saying I called her a cunt in which I never did. Go back and read it properly if you can. I never called her a cunt.

She is rejecting family who are live a long way away who wants to come home but not to their face. A large spare room left idle and she is the one treating them like tinkers and cunts expecting them to go anywhere else but home. She's dragging me into this by expecting me to magic accommodation out of thin air for them.

I do suspect you won't be able to understand any of that though and keep twisting things.

Your last thread about your mother was on 5th March. Nothing has changed other than your contempt for her and your complete inability to get yourself out of this situation.

It is not harassment to see that this situation is of your own making. How about devoting your posting time to getting out of this situation in real life? We cannot help you in real life. This is on you.

If you speak to and treat your mother as you are treating posters on here, you are abusive. You need to move out and stop.

Your mothers home, her rules- I’m 63 and whilst I love having my son and GF for 2 or 3 nights and I had my FIL for 10 days between houses, I wouldn’t want a family of 5 - relatives or not - it’s up to them to factor that cost in if it’s for an extended stay. Is there a cultural thing at play here OP - whereby there always an obligation to have relatives to stay ? You honestly don’t feel as’up to’ this kind of thing for weeks when over 60- if it bothers you that much why not get your own place so you can host whoever you like

OP this sounds like it really isn’t working for you. You say in your other thread that you can’t afford to move out, can you increase your working hours or consider a less affluent area?

I would hazard a guess she won’t even want them to visit her at home because she doesn’t want them to see the (state of the) house.

OP I’m going to be gentler than the others, but as previous replies to your posts you really need to get out of that house into a shared house/ room/ anything.

My PILs are next door and drive me to distraction some days. I cannot imagine how intense it would be to be living in their house. You have got to protect your sanity and get out OP.

I agree. OP can you not afford a room somewhere? Can you look at any benefits you could be eligible for so you can afford it?

Your mum making a decision which you don't agree with doesn't mean she has lost cognitive functioning and reasoning.

Do you expect your mum to cook and clean up for all these people? Of course they should stay elsewhere - its too many additional people for far too long!

TBH you sound awful - calling her those unkind words is dreadful. Move out and stand on your own 2 feet!

Another person taking my posts out of context and bullying and ganging up on me.

I did not call my mother any names.

I do wonder about her cognitive functioning. It's not just this incident. There has been other things. I just can't understand how she doesn't want to help family who want to come in long haul when there is a spare room there.

Who has said anything about my mother cooking for all of these people? No one.

Long haul flights are expensive and so is accommodation but if accommodation is sorted they are away with it. They can't afford traditional holiday accommodation. It's just not feasible. There is a spare room at home. I don't understand this. We live a world apart. I don't understand the rejection.

You don’t have to understand it. It’s your mother’s decision. You have discussed it with her and she is sticking to her decision. Others have explained that it’s a valid and reasonable decision. You said she is cognitively impaired and unable to reason - it seems as though she is able to reason, it’s just that you don’t like her choice.
Stop trying to change her mind.

If you push and push then it’s abusive.

Well, aren't you a fucking peach?

If you're so concerned about your sibling having a roof, move out - they can stay with you at your house

It's HER HOUSE. Having an opinion on who stays in it doesn't make her cognitively impaired.
I'm surprised she lets you stay though, I wouldn't.

You don't need to understand her reasons for not having guests and you don't have to agree or like them. That does not indicate dementia.

If you have other concerns, you would have been better off describing those as what you have mentioned absolutely doesn't demonstrate any cognitive impairment.

As it stands, you're approaching this terribly

Ahh so because she disagrees with you she must be mentally ill. Why are you living there? Maybe she is concerned your sibling will take up residence too! Shame you don't own a home to let them live in rent free!

I had a post deleted for "not being in the spirit" some time ago, pointing out that OP repeatedly posts under different user names about her mother.

OP - you need to move out. Your mother is who she is - you clearly can't stand living with her so leave.

She sounds very sensible, why aren't you listening to her?

We had relatives stay for a couple of nights, family of three, in our spare room. It was really difficult because they were all on top of each other, child didn't sleep well sharing with parents, neither did parents. Hard to get that number of people through one bathroom, extra cooking at different times. It was hard work, and that's only for a couple of nights. And we're nowhere near 70s.

Early 70s would be young to have dementia. People do get more set in their ways and also find it more tiring to host peple though. My parents are mid 70s and always very hospitable but I don't think they would want to host even family for extended periods, although my mum has physical health issues as well in her case.

I think a family of 3 in one room sounds like a lot and I can understand your mum not wanting that, and it doesn't have to be her job to consider all the variables of accommodation availability in your area - that doesn't mean she has 'no cognitive function' .

OP, do you have mental health difficulties of your own? Much of what you say might indicate that. And posters might be more sympathetic if you said that.

Also, OP do you have children of your own?

Before I had mine, I'd have thought nothing of child(ren) sharing a room with parents for a holiday. Eg one of those family rooms in a hotel.

Now I actually have children I can't think of anything like this I'd want to do. Little space, bedtime problems (either the adults go to bed at child time eg 8pm or have to creep to bed in darkness to avoid waking child(ren) up).