My mother, her twat of a DP, and money

[HowardTJMoon]

The background: five years ago my mum had a stroke which left her confined to a wheelchair along with some minor cognitive/emotional regulation issues. She's now living with her DP (who's pre-retirement age but is not working. He is also, quite frankly, fucking insufferable) in an extra-care flat with carers coming in multiple times a day. The two of them are relying on my mum's pensions, her benefits, and his carer's allowance. It's not nearly enough.

The problem: they simply don't have anywhere near enough money coming in to support the two of them. If my mum was living on her own in the extra-care place then she'd have enough money. If the two of them were living there and the DP was working even part time then they'd have enough money. If the two of them were living in a normal place and so didn't have all the costs of the extra-care place they'd (probably) have enough money. But as things are they've got way more outgoings than income and it's more than I and my brother can afford to keep offsetting.

Complications: Although my mum complains about her DP a lot (he is, after all, fucking insufferable) I think she prefers him being there to the thought of her being on her own. I cannot force her DP to get a job. My mum doesn't want to be on her own during the day so she's not going to force him to get a job. The two of them together are the absolute masters of sticking their heads in the sand and expecting me to solve their problems. I've tried again and again to explain that something's got to change but it's not sinking in.

My question: What the fuck do I do now? I've talked to the council and others about the benefits and I'm pretty sure they're getting everything they qualify for. I've tried to explain to my mum that either her DP gets a job or she's going to get further into debt but while she will agree with me when I'm talking to her, the next time I speak to her it's all forgotten. TBH I see her DP more as an incredibly irritating cock-lodger than a partner for her but I think she prefers that than the thought of being on her own. I live too far away to be able to go and see her every day.

Help?

Walk away. Until you stop subbing them nothing will change. Support mum emotionally but stop with the financial support. He's got no incentive to work because he knows you'll plug the shortfall. It's an awful situation but you can't help if they refuse to help themselves.

Don't offer any answers, just questions. Push them to think for themselves.

Yes that does sound difficult, how might you change things?

Yes that is serious, has cocklodger got any ideas about how he could help?

You are going to have problems, yes, what could you try doing differently?

Drop the rope. Let them sink.
Agree with your mum that it is all awful and terrible, but no more baling them out.

Given that your mother has cognitive issues, would it be worth talking to her social worker and raise concerns regarding her financial situation, especially if her partner’s potentially exploitative.

Unfortunately I think nothing will change so long as you are subsidising things.

No way would I be subsidising them (him). You need to take a step back and leave them to it.

If he is claiming carer's allowance is he actually doing any caring?
Also iirc, carers are expected to do 35 hours care (for a pittance) and have limited earning capacity beyond this. I think it's about £150 a week.
And stop subsidising them.

Sorry I don’t understand how if she was living there on her own she’d have enough but with him they are getting into debt. Surely the only extra is food and you can tell him he needs to use his benefits for that?

stop paying for them, then they have to do something

you need thicker skin, be there for her emotionally but do not allow her to guilt trip you.

He needs to get a job or leave

Thanks all. You're right. I think I was secretly hoping that someone would come along and say "Aha, if you did x, y and z then magic would happen and it will all turn out ok!" Sigh.

This fucking sucks. Before the stroke my mum was a newly retired, capable, independent woman with a rich social life. She had a really nice (as well as spotlessly clean and tidy) flat in a delightful retirement community. After the stroke her needs were too great to continue living there so she had to move which is when her DP moved in as well. Now she's living in a cluttered, messy flat with a lazy twat. She hates being stuck indoors all day but she refuses to go out on her own and her DP rarely wants to take her anywhere. Fundamentally I think she hates being in a wheelchair and incapable of doing all the things she used to enjoy doing. She can't travel far, she can't cook, she can't sew... She needs assistance to shower and go to the toilet. If I had to have someone else wipe my arse every day I'm pretty sure I'd hate it too.

@Lost20211 I appreciate the thought. I have spoken to her social worker in the past but they see my mum as being capable of making her own decisions so they couldn't forcefully intervene. She could kick the DP out tomorrow as he's not on the lease but fundamentally she doesn't want to.

I'll see if I can have another conversation with the social worker though.

He's doing some care, but not much. I doubt it's anything like 35 hours a week. Maybe an hour or two a day?

I guess at least she has him doing some care for her?

What about council sheltered housing, would that be an option if it was cheaper, she could get housing benefit to cover it?

It's the way that the contribution towards the care costs are calculated. The rent for the flat itself, plus service charge etc, is mostly covered by housing benefit. On top of that is the care package which is tailored to her particular needs. She needs a lot of care. Part of that is paid by the local authority, and the rest she has to pay herself. How much she needs to pay varies on circumstance and cohabitation with a non-retiree is a factor as they assume that the cohabitee would be contributing towards overall living costs.

As it stands she's having to contribute over £800 a month towards the care costs. If she was on her own that would be around £150 a month (I think - it's been a while since I checked).

Her care needs are too high for sheltered housing unfortunately. If we could rely on the lazy twat of a DP to do that care then sheltered housing would be an option (the retirement place she moved out from was effectively sheltered housing) but unfortunately he's a lazy twat.

You're right. I need a thicker skin. I'll have a chat with my brother to make sure he's on board and then we'll just have to drop the rope.

Oh God what a mess. I'm another who's unable to think of anything except letting the situation collapse.

I think.you will have to. When you support her financially, you are basically enabling him to stay. Drop the rope, and he may well leave on his own. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Does your mum get PIP. Maybe ask the social worker to check she’s getting everything she’s entitled to and to do another check on her to ensure she isn’t being financially exploited.

I think that you are being a bit harsh. This is your mum's companion that she wants around. He is living with a partner that has become disabled and cognitively impaired - that doesn't sound easy for him either.

You live away and aren't offering your mum daily companionship.

I expect if he earned anything then housing would assess their income as a couple and take more money from them.

What you don't have to do is pay towards their lives. Leave it with them.

Let your mum go into debt.

She doesn’t own a property, she’s old and unwell, and without meaning to sound too blunt - surely any debt will die with her?

So just let her use up any funds she has, and then go into debt.

Can you entice him away with a honeypot/entrapment and then show your mother the evidence so she can take steps to divorce him? If he’s tech-savvy and on the socials you could even make your own fake profile and do it that way, creating lots of evidence.

I'm pretty sure she's getting everything she's eligible for. I've checked with multiple sources. She doesn't get PIP but even if she did all that would do is mean she'd have to contribute more towards the care costs. She wouldn't be any better off overall.

You're probably right. My chief concern is that if she goes into debt with the local council over the care costs will they stop funding the care? Rent etc can be covered but it's the £800+ care costs that's the real problem.

This is a tough one. If she has capacity, she can do as she wishes, of course. I work in a related sector, and this just sets off my safeguarding instincts. She may have capacity, but may still be vulnerable. Is the Extra Care flat owned by a housing association? May be worth a chat with a housing officer to check if he is allowed to live there under the terms of the tenancy agreement.