My mother, her twat of a DP, and money

[HowardTJMoon]

The background: five years ago my mum had a stroke which left her confined to a wheelchair along with some minor cognitive/emotional regulation issues. She's now living with her DP (who's pre-retirement age but is not working. He is also, quite frankly, fucking insufferable) in an extra-care flat with carers coming in multiple times a day. The two of them are relying on my mum's pensions, her benefits, and his carer's allowance. It's not nearly enough.

The problem: they simply don't have anywhere near enough money coming in to support the two of them. If my mum was living on her own in the extra-care place then she'd have enough money. If the two of them were living there and the DP was working even part time then they'd have enough money. If the two of them were living in a normal place and so didn't have all the costs of the extra-care place they'd (probably) have enough money. But as things are they've got way more outgoings than income and it's more than I and my brother can afford to keep offsetting.

Complications: Although my mum complains about her DP a lot (he is, after all, fucking insufferable) I think she prefers him being there to the thought of her being on her own. I cannot force her DP to get a job. My mum doesn't want to be on her own during the day so she's not going to force him to get a job. The two of them together are the absolute masters of sticking their heads in the sand and expecting me to solve their problems. I've tried again and again to explain that something's got to change but it's not sinking in.

My question: What the fuck do I do now? I've talked to the council and others about the benefits and I'm pretty sure they're getting everything they qualify for. I've tried to explain to my mum that either her DP gets a job or she's going to get further into debt but while she will agree with me when I'm talking to her, the next time I speak to her it's all forgotten. TBH I see her DP more as an incredibly irritating cock-lodger than a partner for her but I think she prefers that than the thought of being on her own. I live too far away to be able to go and see her every day.

Help?

Your DB and you need to let them both know that you can't continue to sub your DM (and her cocklodger) and that they need to find another solution for the monthly shortfall in money.

I cannot overstate how no one can ever ever ever advise against situations like this one. You see no worth in the bloke. Let’s assume you’re right. With the best will in the world, the pointing out the uselessness won’t work. Your mother will refuse to acknowledge it. She will just double down and dig her heels in. Do not continue to bail them out. If he’s of working age he should be bringing in money.

@HowardTJMoonPIP is a none means tested benefit as far as I’m aware, it’s certainly worth double checking.

Your thread title caught my eye @HowardTJMoon because similar situation with me. DM had a stroke and mobility, cognitive & speech effected, lives with her husband in council property in her name. She came into some inheritance just after stroke and that’s when he started acting like a dick. I too live miles away from DM and have my own family to care for, I talk to her when I can but she doesn’t say anything alarming. But yes I consider her vulnerable. Spoken to social worker who can’t do anything as he is her named carer and NOK alongside her advocate. Barmy!

You don't qualify for PIP if you apply after you've retired. She does get Attendance Allowance though.

No, they won't stop providing her care. They may want to assess her finances and/or apply to put a charge on her estate after she dies, but they won't stop her care package.

It’s generally just as cheap, or even cheaper, for two people to live, as it is for one, so why would your Mum be better off alone?
My Sister spends far more on groceries than me and DH do, for example. Buying large packs/ bulk buying is a lot cheaper than buying small amounts.

It’s generally just as cheap, or even cheaper, for two people to live, as it is for one

That probably only applies when both parties are contributing financially, not when one is sponging off the other.

It's due to the way that her contribution towards her care costs are calculated. There's a government-set Minimum Income Guarantee which means that after she's paid her care costs (and certain other excluded costs), she must at least have the guaranteed amount of money left over to pay for food and non-excluded bills.

If she was single then she'd be able to keep £228 a week as the Minimum Income Guarantee. As she's cohabiting, that goes down to £174 a week because the assumption is that the cohabitee would be contributing towards living costs.

In this case the cohabitee isn't materially contributing towards living costs and is instead just making the bills bigger. If he wasn't there then the extra £200 a month from the single person's income guarantee, plus the savings in bills, would mean she'd probably be financially ok. If not there would be a small enough shortfall that my brother and I could cover it.

https://www.homecare.co.uk/advice/minimum-income-guarantee-mig

Thank you. That's a weight off my mind.

Things to consider

Council tax disregard. Is your mother capacity such that she would be eligible for reduction. GP would need to sign a form to confirm this.

AA. Does she get highest rate

Water bill. Because of the additional care needs has a tariff been set on the bill

The care bill. If you do a list of income and out goings. What is she actually left with. I did this with a family member. And because they were left with so little the care bill was halved.

Good luck