Feeling overwhelmed asking for advice

[Libby011]

Hi everyone,
I’m writing here because I’m struggling with feelings of guilt, frustration, and resentment when it comes to caring for my elderly mum. She moved in with us during COVID, as she wasn’t coping on her own, and because we live in a bungalow, it seemed like the best solution at the time. She was frail, recovering from cancer, and we didn’t expect her to live beyond a couple of years. But now, with 24-hour care and regular meals, she has perked up significantly—which is great in some ways, but also really difficult for me emotionally.
I had forgotten just how negative and controlling she can be. I feel like I’m back in my teenage years, constantly being questioned and criticized. Today was my birthday, and instead of appreciating the lovely flowers I received, she commented that I wouldn’t have enough vases. When my dog passed away and friends kindly sent flowers, she said she was surprised there were any flowers left in the store. These little jabs are constant, and they wear me down. I work 30 hours a week so usually home by 3.30pm my husband works from home Monday and I work from home Friday we have a cleaner who comes in on Tuesdays so she is only home alone 2 days a week. She’s not interested in going to any outside groups i.e day centres etc.
I try to maintain my own life—I went on a long dog walk today, and as expected, she was sulking when I got back, complaining that I’d "left her all day" and suggesting we should have gone somewhere together instead, she is in a wheelchair so not always easy to get her out and its exhausting, and I like the break. I know she’s lonely and bored, but I also feel like I’ve already spent years caring for her and my kids, and now that my children are heading off to uni, I want some freedom. Instead, I find myself staying at work longer just to avoid coming home.
I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I also don’t know how to balance my own needs with my responsibilities to her. Has anyone else been in this situation? How do you cope?
Thanks for reading.

Did you sell her property? I'd start helping her look for a lovely flat with assisted living.

unfortunately yes…… and moved her 200 miles away.
I don’t think I can do this even though im making her last few years and my life a misery.
we are not a very talkative family……
think brush it under the carpet and it will go away.
I genuinely think this is as much my issue as her’s and maybe need counselling to get rid of my guilt.

You are not making anyone's life a misery, you sound lovely. Assisted living accommodation is the way forward. She will break you before herself, please don't try and carry on. The guilt is enormous but she knows which buttons to push and is pushing them all right now. Hugs xx

Thank you…….. xx

What happened to the money from the sale of her property?

I know she’s lonely and bored, but I also feel like I’ve already spent years caring for her and my kids,

Please do NOT become a martyr to your mother. She sounds self-absorbed, not through a fault of her own, it's the age and dementia settling in, and you need to reclaim your life.

I had it with my own mum, while dealing with work and a teenage son as a single mum.

I'm actually watching The Father, brilliant film with Anthony Hopkins and Olivia Coleman which deals with this.

It's so difficult OP. Please take care of yourself or you will get burnt out. (I did, couldn't get out of bed one day during the work week).

Wishing you all the strength going forward.

What happened to the money from the sale of her property?

Hopefully in a savings account that will pay for her care home.

She gave 1/4 to myself and 1/4 to my sister I used the money make an extra room for my son in the loft for when is home from uni as she took his room when she moved in, we have over half left. It was small house up north so not worth a vast amount.

This may seem indelicate, but what age is your DM?
What would happen if you and DH wanted a holiday away without her? Could dsis take over for a couple of weeks - after all she got her payout from the house sale as well ?

Your mum wants to be a grumpy kid and for you to be her mum who takes care of her and lavishes her with affection. She will never have any boundaries and will take and take until she has destroyed your health and happiness. I’m not telling you this to frighten you, just to point out that you have to be the one to decides when enough is enough.

We go away for a week in the summer and a few trips away for things like weddings, parties
, uni visits etc. I usually have a neighbour who will check in on her and leave her food. She can manage around the house with a walker. We live in a nice close knit community so if she was to have a problem I could call upon someone to check in on her. Thank you for responding. X

DM is 85, my sister lives in a house with no downstairs bathroom so its not an option for her to go there.

Thank you. I just feel terribly guilty for having a life which doesn’t involve her. i feel like im 14 again dealing with all the emotions and stress of having to back at a certain time. I know its my issue I just need to find a way of dealing with it.

Could your Dsis come to your house ?

If she is safe to be left on her own I would seriously consider applying for sheltered accommodation for her. She doesn't have to buy a fancy retirement flat there are loads of private rental schemes and she could have carers pop in on her a couple of times a day.

You could be doing this for YEARS yet. She could live into her 90s. Those very same years where you have finally not got dependent children but your own health hasn't started to stop you from doing the things you want to do are going to be spent restricted and resentful

There are other options for her. Would your sister be supportive of you asking her to leave and possibly help have the conversation?

Commode?

I know, which is why I need to find a way of dealing with it. Im not sure thats a conversation I could have with her.

Yes I have suggested this. So we will see.

At this age I think she's unlikely to change her personality

I would try and switch off when she's off on one of her negative rants

Sadly she also may think you owe her your time given that she gave you some money

I'd book a weekend away and get your sister down to care for her!

@Libby011 , you took her in to live with you when she was very frail and you didn’t expect her life expectancy to be very long, AND the whole world was in the grip of the pandemic. Those were both extreme situations - but things are very different now. As a PP has said, she could live for years, and unless you do something, this will be in your own home. You say that you’re making her life and your life a misery so this is not a sustainable situation. At some point, in some way or other, you’ll flip or break down or your health will go. And, what about your husband, how is this situation for him?

I think it’s going to be a case of feeling the guilt and doing it anyway and putting in motion a move out of your home. I say this as someone who experienced a huge amount of guilt about my mother until later in life. You might find that if you have more breaks and space from her, you’ll have more energy for her when you do see her. Please believe that your wellbeing is just as important as your mum’s.

Sulking because you go out? I wouldn’t be tolerating that for starters.

She could live another 2 years or another 10’years + that’s how long you could be dealing with it.

The money issue does add a complication. However, maybe she’s been living with you rent free and you made space for her, as well as caring for her. So it wasn’t entirely one-sided.

You could find alternative accommodation for her and also give her half the money back that you still have.

Anyway, once something is “gifted“ and some of it spent, there is not much you can do really. Obviously it wasn’t thought through properly at the time; as you say, certain assumptions were made that she would stay with you forever and no foresight that this might prove to be a difficult option in reality further down the line.

You could have a gentle conversation with her, keeping it warm and respectful, along the lines that it isn’t working (for whatever reason). If you look at other options in the local area, you might also be able to present her with some alternatives at the same time.

Be nasty back. Half the issue is you are biting your tongue and trying to be patient and loving.

Try pushing back. I suspect she’s a bully. If she snarks about the flowers ‘ I love flowers, you’re just jealous’. If she complains you’ve been out ‘I’ll stay out longer if you are going to be unpleasant when I get in’.

Enquire about support for you as a carer- day centres, respite care, visitors.

Why can't she move to rented sheltered accommodation with a care package? If the arrangement to stay with you was temporary due to illness/Covid, that is no longer the case. A unit in group home where she can choose to have a social life (or not), would be beneficial for her. If there is no cognitive issue, it should be possible. Have a look at the AgeUK website, there's lots of helpful info on there regarding accommodation types and funding.

I know exactly what you are feeling OP and they sure know how to bully and press the guilt buttons too!

I cared for my father during his last illness he was only 66 when he died and my mother had had a stroke the month before his diagnosis. So I eventually had both of them with me. Dad was an absolute saint of a man and he died within a year. Mother died 18 long fucking years later (sorry) and the memory of her shenanigans and abuse towards me will live with me forever.

Anyway after Dad died mother was insufferable. I know she was grieving as we all were, but she said to me that "You hoped I'd go first, but I'm going nowhere" things like that. Then my youngest sister got cancer at 40 and she lived 200 miles away. OMG up and down the motorway, back to the wicked one and then to work. Little sister died aged 42, haven't really processed that fully yet. My brother and sister did their bit with mother to be fair but they had young families each with a disabled child. But she was living with ME, the single no kids person as often happens.

I got ill, nearly broke me. End of the day my siblings arranged for her to go into respite care in a local nursing home, and she never came out. I don't know how they did it, but they did it out of love for me, and in the end for mother too. She carried on with a decent life for nearly 18 years.

I found myself again, retired early and am now living the life, making up for lost time.

Arrange for assisted living. Do NOT live like I did. Take note of other people's experiences. I'm with you OP.

This thread really resonated especially valder. I'm in a similar boat, single no kids, poor health and to top it off I have no siblings or extended family either really. Being snapped at and treated like a child again is very familiar.

My Dad died first much too young (he suddenly collapsed and died in front of me, he was the model of impeccable health and fitness his entire life, the man was always on the go. I ate dinner with him 10hrs prior.). My favourite parent but a total enabler of mum's behaviour 🙁

Mum is extremely fit and healthy and the women on her side of the family seem to live until 95-100 regardless of any other limiting factors. I'm blaming genetics 🙄😁 Not wishing her ill but my god it's exhausting, she's 'only' 6 months away from turning 80. An absolute master manipulator, her latest stunt has turned my life upside down and I'm actually at the point of leaving and cutting contact (something I ought to have done 25 years ago but I knew it would devastate my dad and I was terrified of cutting off my entire family at such a young age with no support system).

There are financial complications as she's very well off where as I'm not (there's a background of intense financial control and abuse by her even when my dad was alive) and I was led to believe that I would be looked after in the remaining years of her life and after her death due to my significant health issues. It's just the two of us now and she purposely isolated me from any remaining family growing up. We're 500 miles away and I'm not close to my cousins whereas they're in the same city, they have multiple siblings and speak all the time. More fool me for believing her. I'm not a grabby person at all and do a lot to help, I only accepted because it was offered and seemed genuine and she knew I didn't have a lot of other options. I thought I would be able to 'pay back' a little bit by caring for her in her later years, after all it's not like she has anyone else. Unfortunately she acts like she's immortal and that she'll never experience declining health like lesser mortals 👀

I thought I could just get through the next few years but actually I could be looking at 5, 10, 15, 20 years and then what age will I be? At this rate she could outlive me 🤷‍♀️

OP you sound like an absolute gem and I hope you manage to find a solution. I don't seem to be handling things well myself so I don't really have any brilliant advice. Moving her out of your home and into a group environment with care does sound promising. You deserve your sanity!