Feeling overwhelmed asking for advice

[Libby011]

Hi everyone,
I’m writing here because I’m struggling with feelings of guilt, frustration, and resentment when it comes to caring for my elderly mum. She moved in with us during COVID, as she wasn’t coping on her own, and because we live in a bungalow, it seemed like the best solution at the time. She was frail, recovering from cancer, and we didn’t expect her to live beyond a couple of years. But now, with 24-hour care and regular meals, she has perked up significantly—which is great in some ways, but also really difficult for me emotionally.
I had forgotten just how negative and controlling she can be. I feel like I’m back in my teenage years, constantly being questioned and criticized. Today was my birthday, and instead of appreciating the lovely flowers I received, she commented that I wouldn’t have enough vases. When my dog passed away and friends kindly sent flowers, she said she was surprised there were any flowers left in the store. These little jabs are constant, and they wear me down. I work 30 hours a week so usually home by 3.30pm my husband works from home Monday and I work from home Friday we have a cleaner who comes in on Tuesdays so she is only home alone 2 days a week. She’s not interested in going to any outside groups i.e day centres etc.
I try to maintain my own life—I went on a long dog walk today, and as expected, she was sulking when I got back, complaining that I’d "left her all day" and suggesting we should have gone somewhere together instead, she is in a wheelchair so not always easy to get her out and its exhausting, and I like the break. I know she’s lonely and bored, but I also feel like I’ve already spent years caring for her and my kids, and now that my children are heading off to uni, I want some freedom. Instead, I find myself staying at work longer just to avoid coming home.
I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I also don’t know how to balance my own needs with my responsibilities to her. Has anyone else been in this situation? How do you cope?
Thanks for reading.

Thank you, i think your probably right. She is so negative. Im at the point where I now don't tell her anything because she will either put a negative spin on it or she will ask me constantly about it until it is done/finished/resolved. Its exhausting.

@GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat So sorry to hear you are another member of our gang 😉

Is there any feasible mutually acceptable arrangement you could come to in relation to your mother? Do you have to live together? Maybe so due to your financial circumstances, but still there are ways.

Solidarity x

So sorry for your situation……. i don’t anyone else in my situation locally to me so it is reassuring that im not alone and I'm not an awful daughter. I seriously didn’t think she would see the next year let alone 4 years. Im pretty much done………. Im anxious the whole time im out……… sometimes things take longer than expected, bump into friends etc its just the sulking when I return which is annoying. I know she is sitting there watching the clock but I shouldn’t be made to feel this way. I leave her with magazines, jigsaws, puzzle books, tv. What else am I supposed to do?

😂😂 I just don’t see a way out unfortunately I think I just need to deal with it somehow.

just finished watching The Father…… thank you for recommending, I really enjoyed it. although now my husband thinks he has dementia 🤦‍♀️oh my days!!

Thank you, my husband is great with her, which makes me feel even worse. He doesn’t see the problem, but is quite happy to sit and chat to her throughout the day…….. then I feel bad when I have to remind him to take the rubbish out or some other small task. I often feel like the other woman. X

@valder, it's my first time over in these parts. I'm currently checking out the Cockroach Cafe as I have a feeling it might come in useful in future and I feel less alone being part of the Bad Daughters Club (as a lifelong Good Daughter)!

I'm not sure re. what's going to happen going forward. I'm in quite a vulnerable position and I've taken the step of reaching out to a DA charity as her behaviour unfortunately qualifies (I'm ashamed to admit, why did I let this happen? I'm supposed to be an adult).

I'm exhausted from trying to compromise and the latest is that she's bringing a male friend (who's actually an employee) into our living arrangement for her own convenience. She's old fashioned in some ways, very stubborn and wants 'a man about the place' and free labour in exchange for low rent. I've really gone off the guy and don't really trust him (I have form for ignoring my gut feeling but actually it's rarely wrong). Their relationship has suddenly become extremely cosy in a very short space of time. Different to any of her other friendships and it's like she's constantly trying to impress him or make him do her bidding which he seems only too keen to do 🤮 Some similarities with how she treated my dad (although she never sought to impress him, perhaps she did at the beginning of their relationship - poor naive dad!) which is opening old wounds. He's older but nowhere near her age and has a red flag-tastic back story. Something about him doesn't quite add up and he creeps me out. Other than the financial implications (god knows what his intentions are) I feel incredibly uncomfortable as I wasn't even consulted. I really don't want a front row seat to whatever it is unfolding.

It's horrible to say but I wish mum was less capable/experiencing declining health as in the circumstances I can't intervene at all and she's calling all the shots. I've tried to 'hang in there' but it's really bothering me and I'm considering doing something drastic and removing myself from the situation. We're far too enmeshed. Of course that would probably open the door for him to take full advantage especially if mild dementia comes into play in the next year or two (no guarantee but it could?). I don't know what she's playing at and she knows I'm intensely uncomfortable. She just doesn't care. Unfortunately the stress has sent my health into a tailspin and I feel really unable to make the practical and emotional leap into the unknown. I notice her becoming more tired and forgetful and writing massive incomprehensible lists on a scrappy notebook she carries around with her (this is a newish thing 😬) but mostly she seems to have limitless energy for a good portion of the day (e.g. 8-4) and desire to control everyone and everything.

I wish my she'd been the first to go and I'd been able to spend these remaining years with my lovely dad. Our relationship was always eclipsed by her bad moods. That said I could see him being easily taken advantage of by a gold-digger (!) as he was so nice and trusting so perhaps it wouldn't be how I picture.

Thank you for listening to my woes and OP sorry to crash your thread. It feels cathartic to get it out.

Solidarity back at you 😊 x

Very sorry to have barged into your thread!

You have nothing to be sorry for, it sounds like you're doing a stellar job. I can definitely relate to the constant negativity, sulking and sniping although mine is obviously fit as a fiddle just about so not really comparable to your much harder circumstances.

Do you think moving her out into a home would be an option? If she's sold her house would the bulk of it be paid for or would you need to self-fund as a family? It sounds like she's become a bit too comfortable in your home and is throwing her weight around. You deserve some peace 👀

Thats made me giggle……. I can resonate with the tatty book. Putting her into a home is not really an option…… I said I would take her in and now I somehow have to deal with, im just struggling to find a way to do this.
i guess the best scenario would be that she went into respite or I have someone in a few days a week to take her out for coffee so she is not so tied to me and my life. It’s tough, worse than having children in my opinion.

Would the money you have left cover one of those granny pods in your garden if you have space? That way shes nearby but not watching every little thing....can she stay with your sister a couple of nights a week so you have a break? You sound lovely OP, its very hard caring for someone 😢

unfortunately not, she is unable to wqlk without an aid so we would then have to go and visit her 4/5 times a day take her meals etc. my sister lives 200 miles away. I think the only option I have is to learn to deal with it…………. She is up and dressed by 6am the last thing I want first thing in the morning is to make small talk, I usually just take the dog for a walk at 6.30am just to get out………… its trickier in the winter months. If I stay in bed until 8 on a weekend I get comments such as - afternoon! So I usually end up getting up as Im just laying there thinking of the negative comment. If decide to not cook a Sunday roast she will say something like it’s unusual you haven’t prepared the dinner yet, if freinds pop round unexpectedly and she knows im going out she will make a point out loud to mention I am going out in an hour and shouldn’t I start to get ready……..
its so rude, she will them make a comment once they’re gone…… I thought they would never go! She is so negative but I need to find away to cope.
even my DC find her draining.
I find myself not telling her things because she will ask me 2000 times if XYZ is sorted. Like I say its
my problem and I need to find a way to deal with it.
thank you for your message. 😘

Can you unpick why you are so keen to keep living with her? She is lonely and bored. She's frustrated that she doesn't have more company. It feels like you are sacrificing your own happiness for a hypothetical idyllic life that she doesn't actually have (leaving aside the question of whether it's morally right to sacrifice yourself for someone else in the first place..)

Your decision during the pandemic was the right one at the time. You've improved her health, kudos to you for doing that. That was a real accomplishment.

Now things have changed and you need to react to that. You are assuming that this means you're failing in some way, it doesn't. It means there's a new set of circumstances and you need to work out what will suit everyone, including you.

I would start with a conversation with your DH or a trusted friend. Get started on talking through what you would like the next few years to look like.

Good luck