How do I organise this mess

[Featherpink]

I need to do regular name changes due to harassment. I have a huge problem on my hands and I don't know how to manage it or handle it.

I live in an awful place with very poor housing options and I live with my mother.

There is a huge problem unfolding. It's massive.

Basically about three and half years ago I saw stuff in her that wasn't right and I began to wonder if she is going senile. It wasn't forgetfulness but it was behavioural and mood and other stuff like waning comprehension, poor spacial awareness with the placement of furniture in bad places like behind doors and you then can't even open or close a door properly.

Every day is different. Sometimes she has many moments of clarity and then other times she trips out of her head so easily and her ranting makes no sense.

I strongly suspect dementia but I am getting no help. The go is tharting point for referrals but they don't believe me and they want to see memory loss. Memory isn't an issue that I see with her. It's questionable at some times but it does seem her memory is good. Like she can hide keys and she will know where she puts them and can find them hours later.

My siblings live abroad. They come home maybe once every few years and they don't see a problem. I live with her. There is a problem. One of my sil wrote of my concerns saying once she forgets where the milk goes that's dementia as an example.

When I now know dementia is much more than memory loss. It's cognitive decline. This seems to be what I am seeing with my mother. Just so many things that's not right.

I have a list and a document with Lin my files that I need to edit.

Help has been refused so many times. At this stage I need a diagnosis and just rule it in or out.

There is a huge problem to unfolding into that over 18 months ago, my mother was told that the cast iron oil tank that is now 34 years old and rusty in many parts needs replacing.

Many times last year I suggested this work but I was met with a lot of anger and defiance and rudeness and snarliness.

My mother came to me last autumn requesting for my share of the next oil fill and I mentioned that we had to change the tank and again more anger from her.

At that point it is clear that she won't ever progress with changing the tank, even with me helping her. She has no comprehension on the consequences of ignoring this.

I emailed the oil company saying that's her as told in 2023 that the oil tank needs to be replaced. I said that she is showing signs of dementia and I asked them not to fill the tank until it is replaced. This request was to encourage and prompt the start of work to happen. I did deal with a lovely person in the company who said that they will place a notice on her account not to fill the tank again. My mother rang for another oil fill and they ignored the notice and the oil company came and filled the tank.

My mother came to me this morning requesting for more money from em for another oil fill. This is fucking ridiculous.

I am getting no help whatsoever from anyone. From the GP. From my siblings. From her own family. A lot of them wrote her off because she's anti social but I never shared my worries and concerns with them.

I can't afford to move out and I am so so so depressed. My mother is nasty old woman. She also gets a fuel allowance which is only used just to top up her pension and energy used for fuel and she will never write off the fuel allowance against the oil fill that I need to pay for. As in she will never reduce the amount. It's all just to boster her own savings. She has the money to carry out this work but she won't let it. Even if I was to go half. She is just mean and stingy.

Also I found that the oil company wrote her a letter last autumn after my email just to remind her that the tank needs replacing. She hid the letter and never said anything about it. I only found it by accident and I am not even supposed to know about it.

If you are going to stay living in the same house, you need a lock for your door. Leave all your personal items locked in your room. You know this, you've posted about it many times before.

It doesn't matter if she has dementia if you are going to continue to live with her. You need to separate yourself from her. Treat her like a housemate, lock your room. Do not leave personal possessions in common area. You know she will snoop and take your stuff.

But don't keep posting here, getting the same advice and doing nothing about it. Nothing will change unless you change.

I did take steps.

I did put a lock on my door. Due to being busy and tired I just wasn't on the ball and I left my bag in the kitchen. I was busy and tired earlier in the week and stressed too and I just forgot to take it with me to my room.

I also emailed the oil company last autumn seeking a way on how to move forward and I asked them not to deliver oil in an effort to force an oil tank change. They said they would put a notice on her account and won't deliver oil again but they ignored it. Likely feeling sorry for her for the winter ahead and likely having a low pip issue. I don't know. I am now in a position where they ignored my request last year and I have no idea what to do now.

My mental health is on the floor with this bullshit.

My mother's phone rang twice yesterday. One call was nearly two hours and I don't know about the other call but I know it was her brother and I know she doesn't like talking to him. She likely acted over the phone to keep it together and act and understand and keep it together and it's something in dementia that is called showtiming. Where they can pull from their long term memory and act long enough to put on a mask. As soon as those calls were over she went back to her mind being mush. There was no talk or conversation to me yesterday after those calls. Almost as if she was over stimulated from the calls. I don't know. But I got an evening of silence and it didn't make sense. I wasn't angry or sarcastic or rude to her to deserve that.

This is the root of it. I am strongly suspecting dementia but I am not getting any help in relation to a diagnosis because everyone's idea is dementia=memory loss even GPs who are the starting point.

I understand what people are saying. I can't change her but only myself. I am in desperate area regarding housing and costs.

I feel sick and depressed.

I had to get up this morning and just go because I can't be faced with another day of silence and hostility. She will only talk to me whenever she is requesting about my brother's or whenever she wants something or whenever she is scolding me over whatever sort of crap. Light I got up early one morning and let the cat out the door and went back to bed but I forgot to lock the door after letting the cat out and she shouted shit at me for leaving the door unlocked overnight. It wasn't unlocked overnight. I opened it in the morning to let the cat out and went back to bed. It was about 7 so it wasn't too early but she wasn't able to comprehend the situation and just had a go at me..

You need to move out, find a room somewhere to rent if you can’t afford your own place, it’s not going to get better.

You have been posting about her for at least a couple of years now, under multiple different names, and nothing seems to have changed.

You always seem to focus on all the household stuff - laundry, the oil tank, posting presents, medication - and try to come up with solutions for each little thing, but really I think you need to listen to everyone on here saying that you can't fix it and you can't control her.

If living with your mother is stressing you out and causing your mental health to suffer, you just need to take a step back from your mother and focus on doing everything you can to move out, move far away if necessary, get a live-in job, whatever is possible, and let her get on with things until a crisis of some sort inevitably happens. After that you might be able to get more support from the medical and social care system.

What do you think getting a dementia diagnosis will achieve? There is no treatment. While your mother is deemed capable of looking after herself - especially with you living at home - she won't get any help. And it sounds like she wouldn't accept any help either.

Exactly why your mother is like this is irrelevant really. The only thing you can influence is how you deal with it. So, as lots of others have said, you need to focus ALL your energies on finding a way to move out.