How do I organise this mess

[Featherpink]

I need to do regular name changes due to harassment. I have a huge problem on my hands and I don't know how to manage it or handle it.

I live in an awful place with very poor housing options and I live with my mother.

There is a huge problem unfolding. It's massive.

Basically about three and half years ago I saw stuff in her that wasn't right and I began to wonder if she is going senile. It wasn't forgetfulness but it was behavioural and mood and other stuff like waning comprehension, poor spacial awareness with the placement of furniture in bad places like behind doors and you then can't even open or close a door properly.

Every day is different. Sometimes she has many moments of clarity and then other times she trips out of her head so easily and her ranting makes no sense.

I strongly suspect dementia but I am getting no help. The go is tharting point for referrals but they don't believe me and they want to see memory loss. Memory isn't an issue that I see with her. It's questionable at some times but it does seem her memory is good. Like she can hide keys and she will know where she puts them and can find them hours later.

My siblings live abroad. They come home maybe once every few years and they don't see a problem. I live with her. There is a problem. One of my sil wrote of my concerns saying once she forgets where the milk goes that's dementia as an example.

When I now know dementia is much more than memory loss. It's cognitive decline. This seems to be what I am seeing with my mother. Just so many things that's not right.

I have a list and a document with Lin my files that I need to edit.

Help has been refused so many times. At this stage I need a diagnosis and just rule it in or out.

There is a huge problem to unfolding into that over 18 months ago, my mother was told that the cast iron oil tank that is now 34 years old and rusty in many parts needs replacing.

Many times last year I suggested this work but I was met with a lot of anger and defiance and rudeness and snarliness.

My mother came to me last autumn requesting for my share of the next oil fill and I mentioned that we had to change the tank and again more anger from her.

At that point it is clear that she won't ever progress with changing the tank, even with me helping her. She has no comprehension on the consequences of ignoring this.

I emailed the oil company saying that's her as told in 2023 that the oil tank needs to be replaced. I said that she is showing signs of dementia and I asked them not to fill the tank until it is replaced. This request was to encourage and prompt the start of work to happen. I did deal with a lovely person in the company who said that they will place a notice on her account not to fill the tank again. My mother rang for another oil fill and they ignored the notice and the oil company came and filled the tank.

My mother came to me this morning requesting for more money from em for another oil fill. This is fucking ridiculous.

I am getting no help whatsoever from anyone. From the GP. From my siblings. From her own family. A lot of them wrote her off because she's anti social but I never shared my worries and concerns with them.

I can't afford to move out and I am so so so depressed. My mother is nasty old woman. She also gets a fuel allowance which is only used just to top up her pension and energy used for fuel and she will never write off the fuel allowance against the oil fill that I need to pay for. As in she will never reduce the amount. It's all just to boster her own savings. She has the money to carry out this work but she won't let it. Even if I was to go half. She is just mean and stingy.

Also I found that the oil company wrote her a letter last autumn after my email just to remind her that the tank needs replacing. She hid the letter and never said anything about it. I only found it by accident and I am not even supposed to know about it.

A lot of my observations reminds me of autistism too. I hate to say it. Like we had visitors last summer and she kept acting out in anger but to me in response to visitors staying. It should have been a lovely happy time together but it was an awful time of stress for me where I didn't even sleep sometimes and she was just nasty about a lot of them even behind their backs even about on one grandchild.

Then there is stuff like some creams and toiletries and stuff and sometimes even some over the counter stuff - sometimes stuff goes out of production. Like she was using my heartburn and ingestion tablets that are now out of production or I can't find them anywhere and she only wants that particular type of tablet even though there are other meds available.

There's definitely something neurological going on but a lot it is vague and subtle and just kinda looks crazy.

This sounds incredibly difficult. At the moment you feel responsible for her, you are worried about her, but you have zero control over what she does. You also don't have much control over your own surroundings and life.

I would write one letter to her GP (strip it down to the minimum) listing your concerns, then let the idea of a diagnosis go for now. Focus on what you can do.

I'd aim to make a plan to move out. Clearly that can't happen straight away. Do you work? Could you start looking for a job in another area with cheaper housing? What would it take?

When you say there’s no help is that your mum is refusing help or outside agencies are refusing help? If you haven’t already you can speak to your mum’s GP to report concerns, say she has no insight to her own needs, have examples of behaviour that endangers her. Also call adult social services and do the same. Ultimately if she can pass their tests then decisions remain in her hands. While you live with her SS will deem you as onsite care and they will be less than forthcoming with support.

The oil tank is a separate concern. We replaced PIL’s last year in a similar situation. To put a new one in the same place cost £2500 (Midlands), to save the inevitable environmental incident you should probably just sort it yourself. If the tank fails the house insurance is likely to refuse clean up costs given the age of the tank.

I'm sure I've read your posts before. My thoughts now as they were then are that you need to get yourself out, do whatever it takes to get a job or accomodation so you can leave even if that isn't local. For example what about a job with live in accomodation?

She isn't going to change, she doesn't want help. You can stay being depressed and quibbling over use of winter fuel allowance or you can change your life. You can't change her life when she doesn't want it.

I remember your previous threads too @Featherpink , and I agree.
You can’t force her to see a doctor to get a dementia diagnosis. If she did see a doctor it’s possible that they wouldn’t diagnose dementia at this time. Much of her behaviour seems to be just her personality. Even if she was diagnosed with dementia this doesn’t open doors to automatic help that will improve your situation. And she’d be likely to refuse help anyway, as my mother did.

You say you live in an awful place with poor housing options and can’t afford to move out. If your mother wasn’t there you’d have no choice but to live somewhere else. There must be options of some kind - to lodge in someone’s house or flat, room in a shared house etc. or you could move to a different location. The longer you stay with your other the worse things will get, and it’s clearly affecting you badly. Living somewhere else wouldn’t be easy, you might be worse off financially and have less space, but being away from her is the only way to improve your mental wellbeing.

You need to move out.

People often do get more difficult and stubborn as they get older, not necessarily actual dementia, just an unwillingness to give up the reigns and a feeling of being undervalued and side lined. They were used to being in charge and find others helping or taking over, often with the best will in the world, very difficult to accept. They often also remember money being tight and they don't want to commit to big expenditures even when it'd obviously necessary to people around them. And things seem like a lot of upset and disruption that they don't want to cope with.

I don't know what to suggest really, a discussion about what needs to be done and why, that you will sort it out and it will be all easy and you can afford it. I assume it's your mother's house so unless she becomes incapacitated it's going to be up to her, unless you can persuade her. Could you get the oil tank condemned on environmental grounds, so that it has to be replaced, if that is your biggest worry.

Of course the oil tank may last another 10 years or more if this is just a recommendation on the expected life, not based on a proper inspection.

I understand what you are writing about, about older people being afraid of losing their independence and often it's not dementia.

I am so careful not to be overbearing and I don't critisise her and I am not sarcastic or critical of her.

I am not trying to take over stuff and I am not trying to boss and order her around. It's not like that at all.

There has been years of stuff that is just completely off that makes me think that dementia is a huge possibilty. It's not just one incident here or there. There has been so many things.

Her mood, reactions, behaviours it's not normal. There are so many things.

Like I can remember one incident where she ignored a toilet that was leaking for months and months. I decided to take a step back because she didn't want me to help. Eventually she wanted me to get recommendations for a plumber. So I did. She gave me the go ahead to book the plumber. Then when his work was done and he was gone she became RAGEFUL to me

• 'don't be fucking booking him again and don't be fucking talking to the neighbours about our problems'

Her comprehension was on the floor.

If she had a problem with his work all she had to do was talk to me and say that we won't book him again and also she shouted at me as if I booked him without consulting with her and that's not what I did. Also she wanted recommendations for a plumber.

Her reaction was just horrible. It has been one of many where it just doesn't make any sense.

Now there are many more issues and stuff and a lot of the times it can be so vague and subtle. She has some obsessions and complusions and there are episodes of silence. There are moods and rages. There is so many things. There are other things that are just odd. The worst behaviour by far was eavedropping, snooping and taking and the taking of intimate items and underwear.

There is something wrong with her.

I am just not being listening to.

It's like watching a car crash waiting to happen. Where people would like to see more evidence of forgetful ess or other problems before they may consider - 'yes...maybe there is a problem'.

Over the winter she had all morning and all day to go out walking she would wait til evening or night time to go out walking where we don't have any street lights. It was just dangerous waiting til night time for going out walking.

Just within the past few weeks she now has an obsession with her passport. It's out of date by a number of years but she wants to renew it but she wants me to do it for her. This isn't an issue as such. However she never talked in her youth. In fact it took her 17 years to leave the home county. In that she went to a different county in about 1999 and she didn't leave that county until about 2015. She never travelled.

She's so anti social now. She won't even go into a hotel or coffee shop and a lot of incidents where it reminds me of autism.

Anyways she has an increased interest in her passport but I don't get it. She has no current plans to travel. She said something within the past few days with another focus on her passport. She she came out and said that she wants to go to England. (Sorry we are not UK based). This came out of nowhere. She wants to go to England. The last time she went to England was probably in the early 70s when her father took her to England. Now out of nowhere she wants to go to England. She doesn't have family there by the way. There some old memory or energy kicking off with this. I would actually be slightly concerned at this stage if she did have a passport in date in case she would do a runner from home. There has been incidents where she just fled the home as if it was in flames without even talking to me or telling me where she was going. There's something very odd happening with her new obsession on her passport and going to England. This is coming out of nowhere. She is someone who doesn't even want to travel to the other end of the county alone and she wants my help but now this.

There are just so many things that are just not right.

There is something happening but nobody is listening to me. Nobody wants to believe that there is a problem. A lot of the time there is so much that is vague and subtle and also it can be hard to describe a d pit into words.

I got stranded in work overnight back in December and when I got free it was a Sunday afternoon. I was in the village. I met my mother who was walking throught the village. I stopped to say hello and to say that there was a problem in work, got stuck in work and I will be home soon. She didn't talk to me properly that day. It was just something like a flat response like 'hmmm' before rushing away from me. She wasn't going anyways except for maybe the shop and buy she rushed away like a scared cat. It's not the first time I saw a rushed gait with her in her walk.

There is something so odd happening.

Everywhere I turn to my concerns are being written off.

I am in a place where I want to K🤮(ill) myself.

The tank is about 35 years old. It is cast iron and rusty in many parts of the tank. I don't know how long more it has.

I want to do the work but I can't afford it. I would be able to afford to go half. I do know my mother has savings and I do need her cooperation and her to go half with it. She won't do it. She is so snarly and rude and angry when I did suggest it.

Her planning and organising is awful.

We were told of a birthday party in December that we were invited to and that was back in October. She started to obsession over getting an outfit for the party. However she doesn't go to parties. There has been many incidents of anti social kind of stuff with her for years. She didn't want to go to the party but she felt she had an obligation to go. I was in this situation before with her where she wanted me to search the net for her for an outfit. She was just obsessing over it and she was likely not going to go anyways.

I was able to manage it and shut it down by telling her that I am not available for the party and I won't be able to go so she learned very early in the invitation that I won't be going and she can do what she wants. She never went.

There has been so many incidents like this with parties and weddings during the past number of years where she obsesses over outfits but she targets my back to help her source matching outfits and then never even goes getting me to spin lies for her.

You are way way way too involved.

Ring her for a catch up twice a week and go see her for a few hours twice a month. Thats about right from an adult child to their parent.

Talk about you, and what you're up to.

OP has said "I live in an awful place with very poor housing options and I live with my mother."

I remember your posts from before. Do you work? Are you able to work from anywhere? If you can’t work remotely can you move areas? The summers coming if you have a car I would go away a lot. As in half a week every week if I could work remotely. Start checking out other areas to move to and the housing and job options there as unfortunately she is only going to get worse

She refused high cholesterol meds from her GP in favour of fixing high cholesterol through her diet. She got me to research a diet but when it came to it you would swear I was trying to encourage her to eat poison and I wasn't. She refused everything and argued against everything. Like one example was increasing fiber and increasing fruits and vegetables but she just refused it all. I was suggesting increasing some fruits for her and I suggested things like strawberries, berries, apples but she refused it all and argued with it all. I suggested grapes but she argues against that too and she said that she can't eat grapefruit due to her medicine. I wasn't talking about grapefruit. I was talking about grapes.

Her mind just wasn't able to understand the difference between grapes and grapefruit.

There are spacial awareness issues. Placing furniture in odd places. Also she reorganised the kitchen where it doesn't really make much sense. She placed stuff that is used regularly/daily in a cupboard up high in the corner where you need a step stool to get stuff every day. Then she placed other stuff that isn't used every day in an easier to reach cupboard. It just didn't make any sense and it's an accident waiting to happen. Now I didn't critisise her work but it's a huge WTF thing.

Another time she was trying to put a hairdryer into a smaller toiletry bag and it really wasn't going to fit. She reminded me of a toddler trying to play with spacial awareness toys and trying to fit things.

There's definitely something not right.

So your mother is horrible and getting more so as she gets older.

You live with her as you can't afford to live anywhere else.

What do you want? It seems you want someone else to look after your mother whilst you stay living where you are in her house.

It's unlikely to happen.

Your options are to move out, into somewhere not great, but at least where you are apart from your mother or spend as little time as possible in the house where you currently live, letting your mother shout at the wall.

You can't force your mother to make decisions that she doesn't want to make.

She can rearrange her cupboards as she sees fit, even if that doesn't make sense to you.

You seem to be rather entwined.

Not read the OP. There is a situation unfolding about an old tank that she will manage and it's going to me a huge mess of that fails. She has no comprehension about what is happening. Her ignorance is going to make us both homeless if that leaks. But I also think it's just another aspect of what is strongly suspect is a failing brain and dementia.

I do work and my work can be great giving me some flexibility and also sometimes a room too. So, my main home and address is at my mother's home but my work does provide me with a live in situation at times. It's not a full time live in but it's ok. It does help a little.

I was providing another example where things are off. It just doesn't make sense and it's an accident waiting to happen. It's using a step stool every time you want to get a mug to make a cup of tea where there's another cupboard with an easier reach filled with stuff that Sint used as regularly like baking bowls. It makes no fucking sense whatsoever. It's just another example of what is a failing mind.

This iwas I am struggling with. There is so many things off and wrong with her but I am getting no help with any support or a diagnosis. Or at least rule dementia in or out.

It's like waiting for a car crash to happen.

The crisis will happen whether you are there or not. You cannot save her from herself.

Get out as best you can. You have neither the training nor the resources to keep her or yourself safe. Choose your own life.

Yes, it really is. That’s a feeling a lot of us can relate to. I remember your previous posts, and while I do feel for you there are very few options available to you. In short, stick it out or get out. If you haven’t already maybe ask friends and colleagues if they or someone they know has a room to rent. While you’re in that house SS will walk away, and your mum is not going to change.

I’m not trying to sound unsympathetic. Those of us with elderly relatives who made the choice to fail to prepare are frequently strong armed into difficult and unpleasant choices we wouldn’t normally make. It’s not an easy path to be on, at some point you have to put yourself first.

i remember your previous posts too. I don’t know what to say that hasn’t been said already.

Have you always lived with your mother? do you have friends / hobbies / interests outside of work and living with her? Your posts are always filled with the minutiae of what she does / thinks / says, none of which you can do anything about. Are you able to step back and focus on your own life? What age are you both?

I did rent before many years ago. When I was renting my mother came to me many times for 'loans' which was I was reculant to give but she always promised to give them back to me. Then when the time came she got thick with me as if she was owed the money because she gave birth to me and raised me a D I never saw the money back again.

I fell on hard times and I wasn't able to afford the rent. I wasn't able to afford any rent with the pay I was on at the time. It took a long time to recover from that and when my wage was boosted around 2018 time, rents were spiralling high and kept on going higher.

I do have friends, hobbies, interests outside of home and work.

There's something sersiously wrong with her. Ignoring this massive issue with the potential for a leak at some stage and she has no awareness or comprehension over the consequences. This morning I went to my handbag that was in the kitchen and I knew I had a medicine in there and it was gone. There was definitely a medicine there. I got her snooping, rooting and taking many times before. My mind is definitely leading towards dementia so I don't confront her about it. There's no point. It's so wrong.

I think you need to find a permanent live in job if you can. This is very detrimental to your own mental health.
Better to move out and keep her at arms length, accept this is her and she won't change or accept help.