To ask advice re funerals when parents have basically cut themselves off?

[Livefreely]

I recently went to a funeral of a wonderful friends parent and there must have been in excess of 350 people there.
It got me thinking about my own parents (late 60s/early 70’s) both of whom for different reasons have no friends, seemingly have no inclination for friends and have cut themselves off from some family. Some family are now dead also.
I feel sad they have ended up like this and I wonder what to do when the time comes as there would literally be nobody there apart from my family? Just awful when you think about it.
I am the complete opposite, I do everything to nurture my friendships and relationships and involve myself in my community.

I recall hearing that the local Co-op will organise a funeral for anyone if it's backed by an insurance policy.

I went to my friend’s mum’s funeral, even though I had only met her once or twice, to support my friend. Her Dad had already passed away.
At the funeral there was my friend, her ex-husband (still on good terms), her brother and his wife, the next door neighbours and me with another friend. 8 people in total, but they were the ones who cared about her and needed to grieve. I didn’t think any less of her, or my friend due to the lack of people there.

It sounds as if your dad essentially trying to cut you off as well was particularly upsetting amd I get that, especially as you were literally standing there! When did they move to France and how old were you at that time?

Your mum may tell you she wants to come back but in the end, she could - she'd rather stay married than come back. I'm not saying that it's unusual or odd to do that, just pointing out that she is making a choice too.

I think if they are expecting you to deal with their deaths, funeral and all the administration in a country you don't live in without a will to help you, they are two of the most selfish people I've ever heard of. I wonder if you ever get angry with them. I think a lot of only children aren't allowed to be angry with their parents (I have an only myself). I'm afraid I'm not very surprised that they are cutting themselves off, I'd imagine the demands of other people are becoming too much of a bore for them to bother.

There will be a marked difference between my DM's funeral and DF's.

She was really sociable and kept in touch with loads of ex work colleagues, so her funeral was packed. DF doesn't really see many people so it'll be family and just a few old friends. It is what it is, I don't worry about it.

I would probably have a direct cremation and a small family gathering at the pub or someone's house, that is what I sorted out for my DF

They should write a will as they could be subject to laws of the land they are living in. Plus it’s a huge headache for you to then sort out with your grief and making arrangements.

my dad lives overseas and I asked him what he wants and he said don’t come out as I’m dead and he just wants to be cremated and sprinkled near to where he lives. His partner is native to the country and will organise. He’s a nomad and left when I was a baby so more like an uncle really.

what happens if they need care? Have you thought about getting power of attorney to support them.

My DB died aged 19 in an accident. There were 500+ at his funeral, many of whom I didn't recognise. Someone I knew vaguely asked me what I was doing there! Getting out of the big black car should perhaps have given the grief vampire a hint! Turned out he barely knew DB, but heard it would be a 'good do.' I wanted to scream. I wished we'd had a private intimate service, but we were in such shock we didn't have a clue.
As long as those who matter are there, it's enough. I've already made my wishes clear, and with a life limiting condition I think it's important to make your it known. It saves so much heartache for those left behind.
A wonderful outgoing great aunt had barely double figures at hers recently. She was almost a hundred, had no children and had outlived all of her closest family and friends. She had a belief that where she was going would be to a bigger celebration. She was still so vibrant. I wish I held her faith.

@welshmercury thank you for your message, my parents went to a local notaire just the other week on me pressing them re wills and they were told that in France there’s no point writing a will as it all goes to the child so as it is only me it’s all straightforward?
re care, they refuse to engage in a conversation with me really so I don’t know what to do. My dad just says he doesn’t want my help. Honestly I give up. I try to have adult conversations and they shut me down

I suspect you feel sad for them because its the opposite of how you are, and possibly sad because they don't value your relationship as well as other relationships. My FiL is like this, he's autistic, lives the other side of the country, my husband asked him what he wanted as he aged and how we couldn't visit much if he was so far away, and how lovely the care homes were locally and he said "well I don't really like seeing you, so it will suit me to stay here but in care if I need". Brutal. But also true and he'll be happier. People can be odd and wildly different. He also sees having no friends as a point of pride "it's ridiculous all this trecking round the country visiting people for the sake of visiting, I do what I want, when I want".
I suspect he'll have 1 or 2 old colleagues, maybe at his funeral, my husbands aunt.
I used to find it sad, but now I think, well at least he's found what makes him happy and he is living that for himself - what more can we ask from life!
Plus, makes organising and catering for the funeral cheaper and easier (very selfishly!!!)

Have a direct cremation. It is quite normal now. My dad had one we had a meal to celebrate him.