To ask advice re funerals when parents have basically cut themselves off?

[Livefreely]

I recently went to a funeral of a wonderful friends parent and there must have been in excess of 350 people there.
It got me thinking about my own parents (late 60s/early 70’s) both of whom for different reasons have no friends, seemingly have no inclination for friends and have cut themselves off from some family. Some family are now dead also.
I feel sad they have ended up like this and I wonder what to do when the time comes as there would literally be nobody there apart from my family? Just awful when you think about it.
I am the complete opposite, I do everything to nurture my friendships and relationships and involve myself in my community.

Just wanted to add I think I just feel a bit embarrassed that they are like this.

You don’t have a big funeral, you either do a small crem send off, or you do direct to crem. Have you asked their preferences?

Not everyone has loads of friends. And younger, active people get many more funeral goers.

My dad got a full church as he was outgoing and gregarious. And, crucially, died before his friendship group.

I wouldn’t get many because I am introverted and find people exhausting. I just dont have close friends, and being autistic i find it harder and harder each year to mask enough to cultivate social connections. But it doesn’t actually bother me - because I’m happy as I am.

maybe they don’t care either.

Don't be embarrassed! Maybe they have few contacts because that's how they like it, maybe it's because relationships have been difficult or traumatic. I have a very solitary DP and when the time comes I'll probably arrange a private cremation, more and more people I know are doing this for a variety of reasons.

It doesn't matter how many people are at your funeral. You're not there to see it. If they're living life the way they want to, right now, that's all that matters.

Have a small service at the crematorium and a quiet get together in a pub or at someone's house afterwards.

A big funeral is absolutely pointless.

Ah, that sounds like a difficult situation - are they happy with their choices to retreat and live a quieter life? If so, perhaps re-frame things in your mind - they are living later life on their own terms in ways that bring them contentment, with minimal stress and drama that other people can sometimes bring.

I think it's worth remembering that a funeral, or any other arrangements for the deceased, is primarily for the benefit and consolation of the people left behind in mourning. To support, share memories and start to grieve.

There is no obligation to hold a funeral (and some people request not to have one). A direct cremation is an option, as an earlier poster mentioned. A private memorial service or memorial event some time afterwards in whatever way seems fitting might be worth thinking about. I know of a family that went on holiday to their relative's favourite destination to remember them and celebrate their loved one's life.

My great uncle died at a very advanced age.

He had many many friends and family almost all of whom died before he did.

It's not about how many friends you have.

Direct to crem. No need for a funeral service and always possible to have a small get together with family to remember them if needed.

OP, are you an only child? Have you had a discussion with your parents about setting up Power of Attorney etc. You can ask them what they would like and then do that if possible. Your friends can be there to support you when it comes to say goodbye.

Its their choice. Why the embarrassment it doesn't reflect on you in any way? If they are content and happy leave them be.

As people get older their friendship group can shrink through illness/death. Which is what's happened to my In Laws. They were the life and soul of their community a few years back and now dementia has stopped that.

Well, in late 60s early 70s, I don't think a funeral is imminent unless there are health problems.

The bigger problems occur when people become older and start having care needs. Even if one partner is better it can be exhausting looking after a frail elderly person, when one is getting less physically strong oneself. But again many people stay pretty robust until, say, their mid-eighties.

And if people are living in big houses, with no public transport, but it's getting harder to drive around safely that's an issue.

Really, the funerals don't matter. It's putting a bit of thought into the practicalities of ageing that is the important issue.

Thank you, I guess I do feel it reflects on me, silly and irrational I suppose really. I know I just need to accept that is them.

In some ways it's very sad to have a huge funeral as it usually means the person has died before their time. Most people who live well into their late 80's and 90's often have small funerals (unless they have large families) as lots of their friends will have gone before them.

We went to a funeral recently. It was someone we saw regularly and were close to. About 50 people turned up. The spouse became very upset about this later on and told us how much they wished that even half those people had bothered to keep in touch during the years that the deceased was ill and chair bound. They were in their mid 90's and the spouse is approaching 100, so not unreasonable to expect people to visit them. I know that I I would rather have no-one at my funeral but to have had people see me during my life.

Nobody actually knows who is at their own funeral so it doesn't really matter.
At my Mums funeral as well as family there were a few neighbours and some people from the Church, not many at all and it really didn't matter in the slightest.

It’s an odd thing to be worrying about at this stage. Presumably when the first of your parents dies the other parent will arrange their funeral and it’s quite likely they have a good idea of what each other would like. Not everyone wants a funeral with hundreds of people attending. Indeed not everyone wants a funeral.

Thank you and good advice. This is hard as they live in Northern Europe and I really worry about them in old age. My mum wants to come back and my dad outright refuses. More male pride as they wouldn’t have to buy a much smaller house or flat as couldn’t afford anything like they have in France. He’s also told me his own daughter there is nothing to come back for in UK and why would I want him nearby? He is as stubborn as they come

I have elderly in-laws in France. They do have friends there, so it is a different situation. But the positive seems to be that healthcare there appears to be very good.

Is it possible that these thoughts about funerals, feeling embarrassed etc. is more about feeling sad about your dad cutting people out, not feeling you and your family (his grandkids?) are valued by him, as well as your mum's situation? It is a good idea to think about practicals and legals if they are full time and alone in a different country but it sounds like this is more a question about how your feelings around distance (geographical, emotional) and loneliness etc. Late 60s/early 70s is not really "elderly" these days, there's still plenty of life to be lived bar health crises.

^^ This.

You don't have to have a funeral OP. You can do a direct cremation and have a family gathering to remember. Funerals don't have to be a thing anymore.

The biggest funeral I ever attended was for a classmate of mine who died in her early 20s. Then a family friend who died of COVID (no restrictions on funerals by that point, must have been 200 people there).

The older you get the more likely it is that death is approaching (see the 'unexpected' death of Gene Hackman at 95) and I think people just go 'oh, right' rather than the outpouring for a younger person.

Also I think that as you age your friendships become tighter, fewer hangers-on.

My mum had about 18 folk at her funeral. She was a virtual recluse most of her life and was v. Old.

A lot of people go to funerals to be nosey and get a free lunch. At my uncle's funeral I asked a couple how they'd known him. They had lived next door about 25 years ago. When had they last seen him? About 15 years ago. They only lived 10 minutes drive apart, so there was no effort to see each other in 15 years, but they could make the effort for the funeral.

I just went on my grand dad's funeral. He was 98 when he died. The guests where only his sons and their off spring to great grand children, couple of seemingly younger friends and his deceased sisters relatives. The funeral was in church and very calm.

My DM specified a family only funeral @Livefreely and it meant it felt intimate rather than sparse - maybe you could something like that when the time comes?

Absolutely this.

DGM at 96 was the last of her friends, had only 3 surviving DC, two GC and two GGC. We were all there, but it was a very small gathering.

Other DGM was the eldest one of 5 siblings and had 7 children herself, Multiple GC & GGC so hers was a pretty big send off.