To ask advice re funerals when parents have basically cut themselves off?

[Livefreely]

I recently went to a funeral of a wonderful friends parent and there must have been in excess of 350 people there.
It got me thinking about my own parents (late 60s/early 70’s) both of whom for different reasons have no friends, seemingly have no inclination for friends and have cut themselves off from some family. Some family are now dead also.
I feel sad they have ended up like this and I wonder what to do when the time comes as there would literally be nobody there apart from my family? Just awful when you think about it.
I am the complete opposite, I do everything to nurture my friendships and relationships and involve myself in my community.

@harriethoyle thank you, it literally would be me husband and kids and in-laws. That sounds sensible

I used to feel similar about my mum but as you get older people can piss you off and you can end up similar. I never thought I would feel like that but people get you down, let you down.
Also as you get older as others have said your friends family and acquaintances pass away and the older you get the less there are to come to yours.

My mum is in her 90s and is in hospital slowly shutting down. She has said for years she wants a private funeral so that is what will happen. Only close, immediate family will be there. It'll annoy the wider family but as none of them have visited her in hospital over the last year, I don't give a fuck.

Yesterday I listened to a guy on the radio talking about how abusive his (reasonably well known) father was to the whole family, how it impacted them and led to one of the family taking their own life. 
I checked the father's death notice and it said "beloved husband"
"will be sadly missed by......🙄🙄🙄
and " May His Gentle Soul Rest In Peace" was also put in - in bold !!!!
I was gobsmacked.
@Livefreely a lot of stuff around funerals is bullsh*t.

I’m the only child of only children, so no family at all; DH has a nephew in another country whom he never sees ( not estranged, just not relevant). Both my parents asked for and were granted direct cremations, they had outlived their ( rather few) friends. DH has asked for the same if he dies before me ( which is likely).

Funerals are not a popularity contest, no one should judge anyone’s life by the number of people who turn up to mark their death.

Not relevant but…. Have your parents made wills in France? It is a very simple process, you write them by hand and leave a copy with the local Notaire, but it will greatly simplify things if one of them were to die whilst still resident in France. The French are a bit rigid about their processes, so this is a really good idea.

What sort of funerals do they want OP? If cremation then you could either do direct to crem and have a family get together/meal after to celebrate the life, or a small intimate service in a crematorium. There's nothing to be embarrassed about if there's only a few people.

If they prefer burial then you can have a graveside service rather than the full church thing.

My own parent is 89 this year and the last of their family and also has no friends. If we have a crem service there will be a max of 8 people probably.

My DF died in his 70s and had a big funeral.

My DM is heading to her 90s and has opted for a direct cremation. Most of her friends and family that would go to her family have died already.

The number attending means nothing.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen thank you for your post. My parents went to the not sure recently who told them that there wasnt much point writing a will because it automatically goes to the children and as I am an only child it will be a simple process? Should I question this?

I really don't see the point of funerals.
Every one I have been too has caused arguments between family members.
The whole lead up to it everyone has just argued about the arrangements and the costs.
I certainly don't get anything out of going to funerals.
I would rather just say goodbye in my own private way.
I personally think that if a funeral is important to someone then they should have everything arranged and paid for themselves in advance.
Obviously if someone dies young and unexpectedly then they probably wouldn't have given much thought to their funeral.
My nan's funeral caused so many issues and arguments between her 5 children.
Soon afterwards my dad paid for a simple cremation for himself.
When my dad dies I only have to make one phone call to let the company know he has died and where to find him.
They will then call me back once they are ready to deliver his ashes.
No fuss, no stress, no complicated arrangements and no fees to pay.
When my husband and I turn 50 I will be buying a simple cremation for the two of us as well.

As you get older you realise your time in this earth is limited and you only want to spend it with people who care for you and uplift you . That's probably why your parents have cut off from a lot of people I would only want people at my funeral who I really meant something to. A lot of people attend funerals to socialise or because they feel obligated to be there .

DPs were very sociable and had many friends. DF died at 80yo - big funeral over 150 friends and family. By the time DM died 8 years later most of their friends and family were either to frail to attend or had already died. Some younger members were travelling overseas. Less than 20 people attended.
DFs funeral was the last time DM got to see all her family and friends together.

I would as it could take longer to sort out without a will . Make sure that they have informed their pension company that they want you to benefit as this is not included in the will

Direct crem, this has been the wishes of some of our even well loved family members. I can see funerals reducing in popularity.

Tbh they can't put well he was a Cunt or a Shit or a waste of space good riddance 😂

@Luddite26

Spot on

When my DM dies I will be organising a direct cremation and a nice family meal out to celebrate her life. She is old and all her friends are long gone.

Trust me I’ve been there, my parents both died three months apart. They were young & knew quite a few people although some people came to their funerals that hadn’t cared when they were terminally ill, had never made an effort when my mum was in a hospice & generally came to the funeral as a ‘show’. My mum’s particularly was very busy, I found it very overwhelming & difficult as my Dad was also terminally ill at the time, it was the worst time in my life. It should never be a competition how many people you have at a parent’s funeral! The older you are the less people you will likely have & for that please count your blessings.

It's everyone's choice as to what they do. My parents don't have many friends and are not very sociable with others - their choice. I am very involved in my local community because I need to be out and talking to people. Everyone is different x

just because 350 people attended doesn’t mean they were all close and treasured friends who the deceased would have wanted there.
I have seen funerals where people turned up for a free feed , a gossip and a nosy.

the people who love your family will be there. No need for worry about the rest.

I buried my dad a few years ago and there were people there who came for above reasons and there were people there who loved and supported us. They were the ones who we concentrated on and were thankful for. I didn’t even notice the others.

My grandad was 86 when he died. From retiring he spent many years attending a lot of funerals at his peak 3 in a week.
When it was his turn most of his friends and colleagues and both his brothers and their wives had passed before him and my grandma.
But I always remember turning round and at the back were four men who he had kept in touch with other the years. They had been some of his apprentices and I will always find their presence touching.
I love a good funeral!

@MystyLuna Why wait til 50? You want something different should the worst happen before you turn 50?

Yes, those who live a long life often outlive their friends.

My husband was in his 80s when he died. We were restricted to 20 because of lockdown, but the number wouldn't have been much bigger in 'normal' times.

My grandmother in law is approaching 100 this year, and is in a nursing home, she has two children (one of whom is now suffering with Alzheimers), 3 grandchildren and 3 great grand children. 2 in laws.
I think the funeral will be sparse (if she has one).
Myself I will be opting for direct cremation - it's much cheaper.

One of my aunts had no children of her own. She died in her 80s and 8 of us (nieces, two relatives through marriage plus a stepdaughter) attended the funeral.

There was a brief ceremony at the local crematorium and then we repaired to the local pub for a meal. That worked out quite well.

I doubt whether anyone will attend mine - I've no children of my own - but I'm going to organise what I want for the local crem.

I contacted 3 different companies. All 3 said they will only accept payment in advance for people aged 50 and over.
I will still have the same thing if I die before I am 50 it will just be paid for at the time (money already put aside).
Once paid in advance there aren't any more fees to pay.
So the funeral companies set 50 as a cut of point to try and still make some money out of it.