Mum is at the end and I feel so sad and helpless

[profiterolesarelovely]

Sorry, a pointless post really, I just wanted to share with people who understand. Mum has had Alzheimer’s for about 7 years. She also recently had a stroke. I live about 300 miles away and work full time - also mum to 3 teenagers but travel to see her when I can.
I came up this weekend after two weeks not seeing her and she has massively deteriorated
She doesn’t recognise me, has pretty much stopped speaking and is just lying in bed . She’s not there but I can’t grieve her because she’s still alive.
Her partner is nursing her at home with carers visiting.
She doesn’t seem distressed or in pain. She doesn’t seem anything. I can’t stop crying and just feel so sad.
thank you for reading

Sending you all the love op. It's heartbreaking. Big hugs x

I'm so sorry about your mum, sending you lots of love x

sending you a hug OP xx

Thank you. Such a stupid, self-indulgent thing for me to post because no one can do anything but it helps to know I’m not alone

I'm so sorry that you and your Mum are going through this. It's such a tough time. Sending you my best wishes.

It's a horrendous disease - I lost my mum to Alzheimer's 4 years ago, and I know so well that feeling of grieving someone while they're still there. Thinking of you and everyone who loves her. It's not self-indulgent at all to reach out for support, there are so many of us who know exactly how you feel. Virtual hugs xx

We found out my dad was dying 2 weeks before he died. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, the anticipatory grief. We had two weeks of it and I felt like I was going to die of heartbreak.

Be kind to yourself and don't chastise yourself for feeling whatever it is you're feeling. When he died I didn't cry for a week and I felt so guilty about this. Do whatever it is you can to deal with what you're going through. It is rough

Been there op, I’m so sorry. Finally lost my mum just before Christmas, but she hadn’t known me, or have any quality of life, for a few years really. It’s brutal. Hugs to you, there’s nothing anyone can say or do, but we do understand.

Sending you the biggest of hugs x 🙏🫂❤️

Of course it isn’t. Anticipatory grief is very very real.
So sorry OP.

@profiterolesarelovely It’s the cruelest disease. I’m so sorry for what your family is going through 💐
I’ve been there myself with a family member and it was like going through some kind of grieving process twice - once for everything that made her her and then once for her physical self.

Its not a stupid thing to post at all - lots of people on here have been through similar. And sometimes it’s nice to be able to write down your actual feelings to strangers rather than sharing them out loud.

Not at all. You vent away here @profiterolesarelovely: we are all listening. Thinking of you and sending love and light to you and your mum.

I am so sorry, that must be really distressing for you. How is her partner coping?

So sorry OP. Not self indulgent at all. It’s heartbreaking. Harder for you than it is for her, if she seems peaceful?

I’m so grateful for your kind words. Thank you.

This is not self indulgent at all, it shit and really fucking hard! I am in a very similar position my Mum has Alzheimer's diagnosed about the same time, living grief is a very real thing. I am fortunate to live very close but Mum has been unable to speak now for a few years, I attended find myself talking about her in the past tense, even though she is still here.

It sounds like she has declined very quickly which is always scary and more pronounced when you don't get the chance to see her all the time. Do what you can and be kind to yourself

You're not alone. My DM asked me who I was when I visited last weekend. It's heartbreaking and I worry my DC might see me like that one day.

I’m going through this with my dad. He's in a care home, no longer speaks, needs help and encouragement eating, sleeps a lot. I hear you, you’re not alone. It’s a cruel disease. Hugs x

And it’s strange because we keep thinking it’s the end and then she sort of rallies and wakes up. I want her to be at peace but I don’t want her to be gone

Same here. Dad suddenly looks up and smiles after days and days of nothing. It’s so difficult it’s certainly the long goodbye.

Mum is hanging in there and everyone is spooning water and liquid food into her which she struggles to swallow; just keeping her alive and for what? I hate this so much. She isn’t going to get better

I'm so sorry. It sounds dreadful. Your poor mum and poor you as well. 💔

I think this is a balance it's incredibly hard to get right.
My elderly relative was in hospital last autumn - mid 80s, his second bout of cancer, had gone downhill very quickly in the preceding fortnight.
His wife and I both thought he was a goner and were bewildered that they kept on with the IV antibiotics and even a feeding tube and drip. Did they know something we didn't?
He was still "in there" and had capacity, so all I could do was show them what he'd put in his POA and urge them to ask him if he wanted those things.

If your Mum gave her partner or you health PoA, which box did she tick - did she opt in to let you make decisions regarding the withdrawal of medical treatment and nutrition ?
Either way, you can ask to talk with her doctors and carers about "best interests" and see where that leads. It can just be a discussion - see what everyone says and a consensus may emerge naturally.

She stopped breathing and slipped away quietly this morning. I feel like I’ve been run over by a train. Thank you so so much everyone who took time to comment. I’m amazed by the kindness of strangers and you helped a lot

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

The death of a parent is one of life’s biggest events. It sounds like the end was peaceful albeit incredibly sad and painful for you all. But she was home and surrounded by love and I think that is what most of us would long for given the choice.

Death is an inevitable part of living and as much as you can try to focus on the life your mum had. Share memories and photos and give yourself whatever time and grace you need to process this.

Grief never goes away and it never lessens but our lives around it grow so that it doesn’t take up so much space in the day to day and the possibility to think of your mum and the first memories be good ones becomes more the norm.

Thank you for sharing with us.