My father

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Those of you who’ve been here a long time may remember my father, who passed away early Friday morning. Aged 102.

Funny thing, grief. I’ve been thinking “he’ll never sit at my dining table again”, but I knew that 5 years ago.

I feel I’ve a huge wail inside me wanting to get out. But I don’t want to let it out because I don’t cope well. I don’t know how to self-soothe

Wailing will soothe you as it releases calming hormones.

Sympathy. I find shutting myself away for an hour with sad music, a large glass of red wine, chocolate and a very large box of tissues and just letting it all out helps.

I’m sorry for your loss of your Dad @MereDintofPandiculation allow yourself to feel whatever comes. Grief, relief and fond memories 💐

That’s what DH does. I can’t conceive of doing that, I can’t cope with that level of pain.

When my best friend died of cancer earlier this year, I found it very hard to cry. I took on the role of being there and being strong for everyone else - her daughters, our colleagues, our shared friends- and I found it very hard to acknowledge my own grief. In the end I took a very long, hot shower and bawled my eyes out. I deliberately played back in my head some of the most precious time we had together, and just let it go.

it was very cathartic, but I needed to do it on my own, in private.

big hugs to you xx

You won't be able to stop the emotions , especially if they are bottled

My DH has stage 4 cancer. I’m scared - if I can’t cope with this, how will I cope when DH goes?

I can offer no thoughts on how you grieve but I want to say how your love for your father has shone through your posts over the years - he was obviously an amazing man even as his light started to dim. I hope that you can find a way to look back with fond memories. Look after yourself.

It is such a lot - can you take the support you can from your DH. savour the time together however long that may be and leave tomorrow's worries for another day?

@MereDintofPandiculation, I am so very sorry to hear about your dear Father. Your love for him, and the relationship you have with him has always shone through your posts here. It doesn’t lessen the loss, but I hope that can bring you comfort in time.

You have a lot on your plate at the moment. I hope you and your DH have good support around you.

It’s ok if you can’t cry. I’m very much someone who struggles to publically cry; I am more likely to cry through anger than sadness, I tend to process sadness more quietly. I felt I really needed to let myself wallow in the sadness to be able to let myself fully feel it and cry. I found reading poetry etc about loss helpful in this but know that isn’t for everyone.

I’m 12 weeks into this journey ahead of you, and have found the grief comes in waves. I know you have walked this before in different capacities. I’ve been surprised how different it is each time though.

Sending you love for the coming days and weeks head. Here to chat when you want to.

Thank you, that’s such a lovely post

Thank you so much.

i”m amazed my love showed, stubborn infuriating man that he is!

I’m sorry for your recent loss

My father died 2 years ago at the age of 98. He lived completely independently and was just an amazing and dearly loved person.

I have no helpful words. I miss him more as time goes on. I haven’t found a way to self - soothe. Embracing the pain of loss and accepting it rather than trying to find a way to ease the hurt is paradoxically the only way I have found of bearing it at all.

You have been such a source of strength and comfort to so many posters on these boards - condolences on your loss.

A couple of years down the line for me but the sense of loss hits at strange times and you just have to do whatever it is that gets you through it

I’m so sorry Dint. The little snippets of his engineering skills and his quirks helped build a lovely picture over recent years.
I walked with someone yesterday who has had profound loss and was discussing coping strategies.
She said she puts her body into shutdown mode and goes off grid. She also spoke about observing wildlife, literally watching the birds for hours while she felt so empty. A focus without a focus, which let her free to just remember. She also said recognising what ‘joy’ meant to her was her most important new life skill.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm so sorry - I hate the expression but that's one helluva good innings- and he was a very lucky guy to have someone who clearly loved him and cared as much as you do .

So sorry about your Dad, Mere. And I can only imagine your trepidation about coping with a further loss down the line.
You'll grieve in your own way. I don't know if anyone does it right. DH is coping with the recent death of his own father by giving himself way, way too much to do, then wondering what's wrong when things inevitably go tits-up. Grief either leaks or bursts out, I find.

Sending you a hug MDoP. x

I sighed when I read your post. Over the years I’ve read and followed your posts on a number of threads (including gardening) and I’ve built up a mental image of you, your life and family. I’m so sorry now to hear about your father.
Grief is truly awful and the pain of it is all yours, yours alone as no one else experiences it the same as you do. I found it a very lonely time.
I had to be strong for my Mum when Dad died and plough on as normal as I could, as my son was only 6 and still needed to be taken to school.
It was late at night when everyone was in bed that I allowed myself to wallow in grief and feel the shock take the wind out of me again and again. I played Roger Whittaker’s Last Farewell on a loop well into the early hours whilst staring into space. I remember the shock and the anger well. I also remember having to consciously look for and concentrate on moments of joy, the warmth of a cup of tea, the softness of stroking my cat, the heat of the sun on my shoulders. Eventually over a good few months, those small snippets of joy began to get longer.
I found the biggest comfort was reading through the threads on the Bereavement board. Posters there were far better than me in putting their feelings into words and I could relate to what they were describing and I could make sense of what I was going through. I also found strangers in similar situations to be far more supportive than friends who had not gone through a bereavement and didn’t know what to say or do.
I can’t recommend those boards enough.
You also really do have to be kind to yourself now and take the next weeks and months as they come. Wishing you love and strength

DH is coping with the recent death of his own father by giving himself way, way too much to do I think when DH goes, Ill do what Dad did when he lost his wife at only 61 - fill my life with activities. I'm not sure whether he ever truly got over her loss, but he created a whole new life for himself, and had enjoyment and a sense of purpose. Which is not a bad result.

I also remember having to consciously look for and concentrate on moments of joy, the warmth of a cup of tea, the softness of stroking my cat, the heat of the sun on my shoulders. That's a good point - I remember crawling out of depression using the technique of writing down each day one achievemnt ("gor my hair brushed") and one good moment. I still remember coming out of hospital after 5 days - how soft ny cat was - I had quite forgotten.

Thanks - I hadn't thought of looking for a bereavement board.

Thank you so much everyone.Although I haven't replied to everyone, a am reading every post, and every single one is giving me strength and things to think about.

@MereDintofPandiculation thinking of you today. The Railway Children film gets me every time, so maybe watching something would be cathartic but less focussed.

I completely understand not wanting to open the floodgates and remember being quite ‘strong’ at DMs funeral, then weeping uncontrollably years later in the same church (at a wedding - so I felt terrible about it) where the service for my DM had been held.

Looking for the little joys is great advice and I’m glad that’s worked for you before.

Big hugs on the loss of your father. What a great age he reached ! I hope you find a way to grieve in your own way and in your own time. It doesn't have to be today and it doesn't have to be falling apart either.

I'm so sorry to hear about this Mere. May his memory be for a blessing.

Because of your posts about him in the nursing home I have a mental image of your dad, and it's a nice one. I see him in comfort, at peace, still with things he enjoyed.

I don't know if walking is possible for you. The rhythm of feet moving and the increased breathing seemed to let some of the pressure out when dh died. Wailing in the woods - or by the sea perhaps? - is easier.