How long does end of life last?

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My DM had a stroke on Tuesday, has dementia and is in a care home. We were expecting her passing to be quite quick, however she's still going. It's been torture, her breathing has that horrible rattle sound to it, and every minute or so she stops breathing for 30 secs or so. But she's now in day 4 and it's still the same. How long can this phase last before she passes? I know everyone is different 😔

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this. When I was with my grandmother she was in that stage for around one day. So I am so sorry that it seems so prolonged for your dear mum.

Sadly all that can be done is keep comfortable and pain free, practice mouth care, are the carers in the home helping or are you left to it? When I was with my grandma at those stages I was left to it myself and didn't have a clue what I was supposed to be doing, but I suppose it's just hold their hand speak to them and keep them comfortable,

I'm so sorry your going through this x

Yes the carers have been amazing. They come in often to swab her mouth with the water. We just don't understand how she's still going, she's had 3 full days of no food or water (apart from wetting her lips). She's definitely a strong old girl!!!

Sorry to hear this.
My grandmother lasted 7 days with no food or water. It was awful. Thinking of you x

My dad lasted two weeks.. he was so strong to the end 😔
You sound like you're in the last 24h tho with that breathing. Thinking of you. Hold her tight as it's hard to believe it now bit when it's over, it's over. Look after yourself.

My mum was in a similar position (care home/dementia) She stopped swallowing on Saturday and died on Wednesday. I suspect you're close to the end now. On the last day, we noticed mum's colour slowly changed throughout the day. At the end, she took one huge breath then slipped away. I hope peace comes soon for all of you.

My dad lasted for 16 days with no food or water after his stoke.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.

My DFiL lasted a few days with the rattle and on/off breathing.

My mum was end of life and we could see each day that she was deteriorating over the course of a week. Then on the Sunday we could hear the rattle as we went up to her room (she was in a care home) but her breathing was regular. She made one strange sound and then her breathing stopped although her heart kept going for half an hour or so.

It's so awful in a way that everyone is different, so you can't prepare yourself for how long it might take.

I'm sorry about your DM.

My mum died over Xmas. It looks about 4 days with no food or water and it sounds very similar to what you are currently experiencing. There are signs that death is coming nearer. Hands and feet get colder and there can be changes in skin tone. The carers may be able to make an educated guess about whether things are very close - although they will probably be very keen to say no-one can say for sure.

My mum went for5 days after major bleed on the brain. Breathing was very laboured sometimes rattly throughout
On her last day she did have a slight blue tinge, especially around her eyes. That was my only sign of anything different.
Look after yourself

My grandfather was like that with the rattling breathing for 5 days - and chose the first moment in those 5 days when everyone happened to be out of the room to pass. The nurses told my dad it was incredibly common and not to be upset that he hadn't been with him at the precise moment after sitting there for 5 days at his bedside.

Sending love and strength and hope you have wonderful memories to look back on

So sorry to hear this, it's heart breaking. My Gran hung on for 7 days and decided going on my daughters birthday would mean we would never forget. That's tongue in cheek, we do laugh about it now although at the time I hadn't even realised the date til later in the day.

It’s an awful feeling, just waiting for them to die.

I know it probably feels like you lost them a while ago anyway but it’s still difficult.

Is she on a morphine pump? We found our dad passed shortly after the doctor’s visit.

I sat with my DH for 7 days or more after end of life care was started. It was a slow business and it felt impossible that anyone could still be alive without water for so many days.

The nurses gave him an injection of midazolam every time he showed even a tiny sign of distress.

Sending love and support - it is a very hard time I know.

Currently going through this. Mum seems very calm and on a driver but no morphine yet. Nil by mouth, just swabs to moisten lips. Stopped drinking on Wednesday and has not eaten since she vomited the previous Wednesday. She looks at me every few minutes and then closes her eyes again. Praying she slips away like this without any pain or stress.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. As you know, everyone is different and timings vary.
My uncle died in 2023. He'd had a stroke and was on end of life care but I visited him at the weekend and although he couldn't form the words, he was trying to talk to me and knew who I was (I think). He died the next morning. Although we were expecting it, we weren't expecting it to be so quick.
I have lost both my mum and dad who were on end of life care and I think they both hung on for about a week. Maybe slightly less.
All you can do is be there for them. Hold their hand. Tell them you love them and it's ok to let go.
I really feel for you because it's horrendous

My mum lived for just over 4 weeks after she stopped eating. Eventually I spoke to a doctor about removing the I. V. She died two days after.

The important thing is that the dying is a natural,process that is without pain. Gradually all senses are lost, hearing being the last one to go. I was shocked at how long my tiny mum could go without food.

Sorry you're going through this also. It's such an awful process. Xx

Sorry you are going through this. I do know someone who lasted 13 days after water was withdrawn, but her family were moistening her lips with water so maybe she got tiny amounts then.

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP.
no words of advice, just sending good wishes to you at this time.

For my dad, and also my best friend’s mum who were both put on the hideous ‘pathway’ where they stop food and water, it was 10 days.

It can be any minute, to a couple more days. Hope you're doing okay OP. You're not alone.

So sorry to hear this, when dad was at this stage the nurse told me to give him permission to go as you'll be ok and their hearing is the last thing to go. Sending you love.

It’s not hideous if done properly and at the right time. Giving water to someone who can’t swallow very well can make them choke. It also prolongs suffering if their body can’t actually process fluids.

I told my mum she was brilliant but it was okay for her to go now.
She had had a massive bleed on her brain, and was not really able to swallow and had the rattle breath but she had been like that for two days.
Once I told her to go, she took two more breaths and went. You do have to tell them you can manage without them.
Actually it's a massive lie and I still need her several years on, but she didn't need to lie in that bed for another two weeks.