Attention seeking behaviour

[HettyMeg]

Feeling very sad and fed up about my DM's behaviour. She has never been able to cope very well with her own emotions and has used me for emotional support since I was a child. She isn't abusive but she has often exhibited attention seeking behaviours or somehow made a situation about her while disregarding my feelings - this has included e.g. her sobbing in my room on my first day of university because I "snapped" at her. Not wanting to drive to see me in hospital when I was acutely unwell because it was unfamiliar roads but also refusing to take a bus or taxi meaning my DH had to drive her. Ringing me at 9pm, drunk and upset, because her friend was dying, while I was staying in an airport hotel and getting up at 4am for a work trip. The friend's condition wasn't a new fact and hadn't deteriorated rapidly that evening. I share these to give a bit of context. In amongst this she is not an involved mother or grandmother. While these things aren't new, I have come to dislike our interactions as she rarely asks how I am and instead tells me banal stories about people she knows who I don't, or slags off other family members. I've had a lot of therapy this year to deal with anxiety and trauma and have seen the light a little bit and I believe she can sense that something has shifted ie that I am less pliable and willing to be emotionally available. As such she has begun to lash out in passive aggressive ways such as guilt tripping, silent treatment etc.

I often feel guilty without really knowing why, feeling like I'm a bad person, analysing things I've said and done and replaying conversations with her. I find it hard to relax and I'm also increasingly just finding it hard to be around her as I can't help but think about all the negative things.

Can anyone relate and am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?

All I can add to this is my empathy. I have endured a similar dynamic since childhood but coupled with emotional and physical abuse.
I too moved away as soon as I could, first university and then a stint working for a cruise company, so I was at sea for long periods. I met my husband on board ship and moved in with him about a year into our relationship.
There is an element of history repeating itself here, not in the way I have brought up my own children but in that my Mother married my Father to escape a violent childhood herself.
My sister and I swore to each other that we would never behave as my Mother did to us and we are extremely close as a result. We present a united front and she knows it's no longer any use trying to play us off against each other. We still get the guilt stories but we tell each other everything so she doesn't dare tell tales as the other will say "I'll just call and let her know you said that" !
You don't mention whether or not you have any siblings ? This can be a true support in some cases, else in the case of my Mother and her three siblings, more fuel to add to the flame !!
Distance has been key for me. We moved due to my husband's job about 20 years ago now. My Mother never learned to drive but she wouldn't get on a train to see us. Suits me. I speak to her once a month but only because I call her. She never calls me. The guilt versus resentment dynamic is an honest one and all the ideas people have given here are very helpful.
My Mother knows the effect her abuse has had on us girls but will never apologise, we know that. I understand her behaviour but I will never accept it.
Set the boundaries you need for your own mental health and continue your counselling. It will help give you strength x

Put your phone on silent 🙂