Attention seeking behaviour

[HettyMeg]

Feeling very sad and fed up about my DM's behaviour. She has never been able to cope very well with her own emotions and has used me for emotional support since I was a child. She isn't abusive but she has often exhibited attention seeking behaviours or somehow made a situation about her while disregarding my feelings - this has included e.g. her sobbing in my room on my first day of university because I "snapped" at her. Not wanting to drive to see me in hospital when I was acutely unwell because it was unfamiliar roads but also refusing to take a bus or taxi meaning my DH had to drive her. Ringing me at 9pm, drunk and upset, because her friend was dying, while I was staying in an airport hotel and getting up at 4am for a work trip. The friend's condition wasn't a new fact and hadn't deteriorated rapidly that evening. I share these to give a bit of context. In amongst this she is not an involved mother or grandmother. While these things aren't new, I have come to dislike our interactions as she rarely asks how I am and instead tells me banal stories about people she knows who I don't, or slags off other family members. I've had a lot of therapy this year to deal with anxiety and trauma and have seen the light a little bit and I believe she can sense that something has shifted ie that I am less pliable and willing to be emotionally available. As such she has begun to lash out in passive aggressive ways such as guilt tripping, silent treatment etc.

I often feel guilty without really knowing why, feeling like I'm a bad person, analysing things I've said and done and replaying conversations with her. I find it hard to relax and I'm also increasingly just finding it hard to be around her as I can't help but think about all the negative things.

Can anyone relate and am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?

Sounds like a complex history that can’t be solved in a mumsnet chat. I wonder what made your mum into the person she is? Perhaps some trauma in her younger days? Possibly finding out how she is feeling and why she is behaving as she is might help? You clearly want to have a relationship with her, she appears to want one with you. I don’t think any of your feelings are unreasonable. You can only feel the way you feel. There’s a lot of history in your feelings, so difficult to unpick. You mention your first day at uni, that she was sobbing because you’d snapped at her. Maybe she was feeling scared she was losing you, uni often is the start of independence for many young people. Mums can feel suddenly unneeded and feel a sense of loss. I accept though from your position, you needed her support that day/term/year because you were starting a new phase in your life that was likely also scary for you. Your mums friend dying also likely to trigger a fear response in her, particularly as she struggles with emotional situations as you’ve described. Did she know that you were away on your work trip? We often need to speak to people in the moment of feeling that sort of grief/fear. Maybe your being ‘away’ made her feel more lonely? Your mum sounds fearful of your position now, as it is shifting and she is struggling with the change. She is responding with fear and using coping mechanisms, like guilt tripping, to keep you from changing. My position is entirely different to yours, so I cannot ‘relate’ directly to your situation perhaps in the way another person might if they have experienced similar. I have been very lucky to have an amazing mum who gives great advice and is very supportive. I am sorry that your experience hasn’t been the same. You say you mum is a grandmother, not sure if they are your children or a siblings’. But if yours, no doubt you will be able to draw on your experience of parenthood to understand more from both sides of the parent/child relationship. Parenting is hard and we often repeat the mistakes of our parents. Perhaps that is why your mum is struggling to be a good parent to you? Good that you are noticing all this, it will help you ensure you don’t pass on the same to your children.

I don’t think it’s clear OP wants a relationship at all! I think OP wants to escape rather than get further enmeshed in her mothers disordered way of thinking.

It isn’t your job, OP to fix her. She probably has no interest in that. So you need to find ways to emotionally withdraw.
The guilt is a sense of living independently of your mother, and knowing she has to cope with her own emotions.
You are deep in FOG, fear obligation guilt, and part of the FOG, is the fear and guilt at even trying to get out of it.

I sympathise OP, emotionally immature parents are exhausting and can have a real effect on your self-esteem and mental wellbeing. Your mum shouldn't be using you as an emotional crutch, whether or not she has had trauma it is not your job to do that. If you want to continue a relationship with her it's time to start setting some firm boundaries, and explain that if she doesn't respect them you will simply leave the situation/hang up the phone etc. Meanwhile it's a good idea to read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and also to get some psychotherapy to explore and unpick the lifelong impact your mother's behaviour has had on you. When parents are not technically abusive but don't respect your boundaries it can be very confusing and guilt-inducing, making it harder to advocate for yourself, but it's clear that your mother doesn't understand where she ends and you begin so it's time to start putting your foot down about what you won't accept.

She sounds very like mine. I'd had inklings in the past, especially when I had a period of counselling for depression, but having my own child made me question a lot about my own childhood. And I made a conscious decision to parent very differently.

Creating boundaries has helped. Look up FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. I've reduced phone calls to weekly and see her a handful of times a year, which has made a big difference.

You might find it helpful to have a read of the "appalling behaviour" thread.

Mine is like this too, no matter what the situation is she has to be the centre of attention.

Also read up on parentification. Parents are supposed to emotionally support children not the other way around. She sounds utterly selfish, self absorbed, manipulative and hard work. My mother was the same, they are exhausting. My mums attention seeking was off the scale during my husband's cancer treatment, I ended up having to go no contact as I just didn't have the energy to deal with it.
The guilt is because you have been made to feel responsible for her happiness instead of your own but guilt is easier than dealing with resentment.

I have come to dislike our interactions
she is not an involved mother or grandmother
I believe she can sense that something has shifted ie that I am less pliable and willing to be emotionally available
she has begun to lash out in passive aggressive ways
analysing things I've said and done and replaying conversations with her
finding it hard to be around her as I can't help but think about all the negative things

I hear ya, OP. And I could have written all the lines I’ve quoted above and then some. My mother has always been uncaring and at
times during my adulthood extremely abusive. We have had periods of NC. Your mother sounds perhaps a bit histrionic, mine an average narcissist.

How old is she? I ask because they usually get worse with age.

I see you have had some therapy and personally I think it’s good to keep it up - if you have the right therapist. I have found it a source of support and an outlet.

Keeping boundaries and emotional distance is the only way to go. Whether they like it or not is irrelevant as they have to accept it and over time it becomes the new normal.

My mother is unfortunately also passive aggressive at times which is irritating and annoying to deal with. Eg talking about how a neighbour is “so good to her” to invite a negative comparison with me 😠 However, any other direct rudeness or nastiness and I end the phone conversation immediately (she’s got that memo now) and with my irregular visits i no longer stay overnight. If any contentious topics of conversation arise - I now change the subject immediately. It’s still not perfect and it means I never relax or enjoy the conversation in any way, but it’s also better than before in the sense that I feel more in control. Also if she is giving you mini silent treatments, can you turn that space to your advantage, to help increase boundaries further?.

The guilt is because you have been made to feel responsible for her happiness

Agree with Binkie. The guilt is because her agenda and manipulations are to make you feel like you “owe” her. When you don’t.

Have you ever tried saying “I am genuinely sorry that you are having these feelings, it sounds very difficult for you but you do understand that I cannot fix your feelings Mum, don’t you?”
because actually she doesn’t understand that, she actually thinks that you are responsible for fixing her feelings, just put that on repeat and see her not getting the response she wants from the behaviour.

My MIL is the same she has DH’s sisters particularly mithered with this behaviour. Then it has moved on through the SIL’s who try the same behaviour on those around them. DH doesn’t give MIL the reactions she wants from it and in fairness the pressure is different on females anyway but MIL tries to manipulate everyone then onto SILs and on and on.

May I suggest having a list of reasons to cut the conversation short? Reasons why you need to leave? Doctor’s appointments, someone at the door, scheduled appointment with tax accountant, etc… start keeping tabs on what excuses you’ve used and make them really, really boring. Doctors appointments for pap smears or iron studies results (all fine), make them things she won’t be interested in…

Guilt at living independently is accurate. Haven't lived at home since I was 18 and have lived a couple of hours away since then, but emotional enmeshment seems unbound by distance. I do want a relationship but slowly accepting she isn't going to change.

Thank you. I actually have this book on my bedside table but haven't got around to reading it. This has been a slow realisation over the past couple of years.

I totally empathise - no advice as my situation is totally messy now

I haven't used that exact phrasing but I've said "it's not my job to make you happy" and she said it's everyone's jobs in families to make other family members happy. My husband sounds like your DH in the sense he doesn't give the reactions but it's not his mother so it's not as hard on him.

Good idea but the main issue I have is speaking to her after a certain time of night when I know she has been drinking. Dh says just to ignore the phone so I need to start doing that or say to her I won't be speaking to her

I'm sorry to hear that. She is early 70s and it has got worse with age. I can see her isolating herself more and more from family members too and spending more time with friends from work as it's lighthearted and she can project her own version of herself that she wants to project with them

Yes same - our relationship has worsened since I became a mother because I realise I no longer have the time or energy for her emotional blackmail on top of parenting. I also feel very let down by her lack of interest in being supportive

If the issue is her calling after drinking then you need to be a hardarse. “Mum, it’s late and I’m tired. I’m not going to talk to you when you’ve been drinking. I’m going to hang up now. If you call me back I will block your number until the morning.”
Of course you follow through and call her in the morning and tell her that her behaviour is intolerable (when she is hungover and tired) and that this is going to be the new normal.
Keep this up your sleeve for further escalation:- (because this will happen when she realises you’re serious…) If she continues this harrassment then you will organise a police welfare check. (And follow through.)

It is part of the issue, but not the only issue. She did it again over the Christmas period phoning up at 10pm for no other reason than to upset me and spoil my night.

Sounds rough… I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. I can say I’m familiar. Mine is dead now and I don’t miss that. You do need to set very clear boundaries. Set a timer when she calls and tell her you have only got five minutes and then you have to cut her off. When the timer goes off, say “Right Mum, that’s your five minutes. I’ve got to go. Speak soon. See you later.” And hang up.
If she is sober, also get in first and say “Is this going to be you talking all about yourself and people I don’t know and how terrible your life is again, or are you going to ask me about my life for once?”

Ever thought about going no contact- ??! once I had mentally realised that I wouldn't be inheriting as that was kind of held over me - I just cut contact as I realised she was a horrible parent who had always prioritised male interests - sounds harsh but some people are simply arses

Is she ringing on a mobile or a landline? On a mobile you can use the "Do not disturb" setting so that calls only get through at certain times. So you can opt not to receive calls in the evening or at night. You can set it so that certain numbers are allowed through. Mine is set up so that DH or my children's school/childcare can always reach me,
but everything else is limited.

Landline just unplug it from the socket in the evening/night or turn the ringer off.

The calling thing is actually easy to solve. Ask when she's sober not to call early night or late morning. You don't need an excuse, or if you really want to you can say it's distributing you winding down before you go to sleep.

This is not an unreasonable boundary to have.

And then job done - change the settings on your mobile and or/unplug the landline. Or just don't answer.

For ages I was conditioned into being on call all hours in case my Dad was ill but my Mum started really taking the piss with it. She did, after a couple of goes, accept she couldn't call late night or early morning because they were reasonable boundaries (she did immediately find other boundaries to shove though).

@HettyMeg this will help you develop the strategies to deal with her manipulative nonsense.

Try not to let resentment destroy your relationship.

She needs to be shown that what she is doing is not acceptable.

It will take effort, if you are willing?

Good luck, it's, sadly, a not uncommon dynamic.

She's displaying narcissistic behaviours and you implementing boundaries has broken her poor wee brain.
Best of luck, I had to cut mine off eventually.