Would it be unkind to visit on Christmas Day

[MmeHennyPenny]

Normally my parents,who are in their nineties come to my house for Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
I also host lots of other family members :- two babies, two toddlers, teens, 6 people in their twenties and assorted middle aged people!
Last year was a disaster. My parents wanted to hold forth with quite unpopular and out of date opinions. They struggled to negotiate their way around my unfamiliar house. They were highly critical of the children’s presents. They demanded to be taken home early when things were not going their way.
Recently they moved into a residential home. They have settled well and enjoy all the communal activities.
The majority of the residents will stay there over Christmas and there are planned festivities, which my parents would enjoy.
However my parents want to come to my home again as usual.
They are both less mobile than last year and can be a little confused. They both still like to be the centre of attraction.
Would it be terrible of me to insist that we will visit them in their home on Christmas morning and take them out for a walk join them for tea on Boxing Day instead of our normal routine?
I would like everyone else to enjoy their Christmas Day this year and not have it completely dominated by my parents as usual.

They may have done, but have now lost that ability.

Not unkind at all - do it for everyone else. You'll be less stressed and enjoy the day more. Its not just about them but the whole family. Put yourself first.

We are visiting FIL in his assisted living and then MIL in her care home on Boxing Day. They will be together at MIL's care home on Christmas Day.

What’s an ‘out of date opinion’?

They could live another 10 years. The teenagers don't have many Christmases left before it all changes. The small children will only be small for so long. They are notbeing abandoned.

What's wrong with teens and small children being around elderly relatives....? Yes they can have outdated views but even then, I think it's beneficial for younger people to be around them. When I get together with my sibling and cousins we often laugh and reminisce about quirky or eccentric relatives. Why do all occasions have to be absolutely perfect nowadays?

I agree with this. It is good for the younger members to understand different perspectives. This could be their last christmas.

Casual homophobic, and racist remarks.
My daughter is gay and her long time partner’s parents were originally from Nigeria.
My parents don’t mean to be unkind (I hope) but they are of their time and use out dated phrases etc. Despite having things explained often.
They also believe children should be seen and not heard. This was how they were treated when they were growing up. I could go on with more examples but you get the idea?

I have spoken to the manager of the home today. She feels we should visit the home only as all the other residents are staying for the festivities and my parents may feel they have missed out.
There will be a sherry party and Carol singing before Christmas lunch. After lunch there will be a chance for each resident to perform their party piece, then there are presents from the staff to be distributed.
As long time amateur dramatic performers both my parents will love this. Mum has just asked for help with her costume.
Thank you everyone for your input. It was very helpful.
Happy Christmas to you all!

When i was a lass, we hosted loads of elderly relatives at Christmas (grandma was the youngest of seven and many of the siblings didn’t have children of their own). DB and I look back with fondness at it all - dad getting grumpy at the influx of his MILs family, the very familiar stories and good natured arguments that took place over the table every year, me getting “the look” from mum for trying to argue with her racist uncle (“he’s been like that all his life, he’s never going to change his views at his age so Christmas lunch is not the time to have another try. Learn how to change the subject if someone says something unpleasant in a social setting.”)

HOWEVER, one year the racist uncle had a strop about something on the television that had the rest of us in stitches (a Victoria Wood skit, how controversial!) and demanded to be taken home at that very moment, causing chaos. Grandma was absolutely steaming about the bad behaviour of her brother, and said a few choice things which have passed into family legend. After that year, we no longer hosted the hoards of elderlies, just grandma. I don’t know why but looking back I assume mum had had enough.

Roll on to this year and for the first time, I am not seeing mum on Christmas Day. Last year DB and I forsook our spouses and spent the day with her and she couldn’t have been less bothered, didn’t even get out of bed to come downstairs and eat the meal I prepared. Wasn’t bothered about the gifts, chatting, watching telly, nothing. This year she has declined even further, so will be even less bothered. So DB and I will spend the day with our respective spouses and I will visit mum on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Like a PP, I was reluctant at first because of being judged and “Christmas is about faaamily” and this possibly being mums last Christmas. But it’s just another day to her so I’d rather remember fondly the festivities of my childhood and make new traditions with DH.

It sounds like a very good care home.

Both my grandmother and later my MIL found the noise and chaos of a family Christmas too much as wee. We used to drive to see them on Xmas morning (sometimes with my adult children) and do present opening. We also visited at other times over the break. It was over 50 miles away so couldn't go every day

It's not unkind or terrible. It's perfectly reasonable and practical of you to do this and your parents will be fine.

I wouldn't even be visiting.

This. Just this.

Awwww @funnelfan I'm trying to hold it back reading your reality. Hope you and db enjoy your Christmas with your families. You are right to leave your mum to it. Christmas is a different beast these days. I won't waste the precious day trying to please anyone now.

That sounds like a result then @MmeHennyPenny

Sounds like you have made peace with the idea.
Good.

Personally, I would not visit on Christmas day - it sounds like there is a LOT going on at your house, and also a lot going on in their residential home.
I would tell them I would leave them to enjoy the day with everyone there, and then go and get them to spend some time with you on one of the other days - Christmas buffet, and the teens / young adults / Grandchildren can opt in, knowing this is your parents' time, as they wish.

Thanks. For the past 10 years, DH and I have spent Christmas apart as his elderly mum lived 300 miles in the opposite direction to my mum, and neither of us could bear to see them alone on the day - both mums were only children and DH doesn’t have siblings. This is his first Christmas without MIL, and he deserves something better than a Christmas like DB and I had last year. He’s actually looking forward to it and making plans for food etc which is very nice to see. MIL had a very restricted palate and the one time I had Christmas at her house the meal consisted of a couple of dry slices of turkey, some boiled potatoes and boiled carrots and peas. Not even any gravy let alone the other trimmings.

Who said they have to be perfect? Not all elderly people should be around anyone. These two caused upset being rude about gifts and OP described Christmas as a disaster. Disaster is v v far from perfect. Quirky, fair enough, wrecking Christmas? No invite.

We also had this situation with my Mum who was in a care home and wanted the usual Xmas activities at our house last year. However, she couldn't really use the loo here (lack of bars to hold on to), she found it difficult to navigate around and was really awful to one of our DS who she didn't agree with. He did nothing wrong (and actually was really sweet and kind to her) but has an earring, clothes and hair style that are normal, but are currently in fashion. She would be very vocal about this, expecting him to look like it was the 1950s! She stayed in the home for Xmas day and we all went to see her and took an Xmas tea as a picnic to have with her in her room. It was much easier because she was much less critical and DH could go out with DS to the pub if needed.

EDIT - DS is in his twenties, so pub not an issue. It was nice to be able to have a "get out" if needed.

This.

@MmeHennyPenny great update thank you.

To those who think elderly relatives should be rescued from a ‘nursing home Christmas’ and tolerated because it might be their last Christmas… today my elderly parent told me he wishes I was dead and wouldn’t kill me only because he’d go to prison. He thinks I should go to prison because being in the home is like being in prison.

It is just not as simple as taking him to my house for Christmas dinner.

Been through this myself, I'd visit them in the home in the morning.

By the sounds of it last Christmas at your home was too much for them anyway, they will probably be better off in a smaller quieter setting although they may not be prepared to admit that even to themselves.

@HalfasleepChrisintheMorning that's what I would do - I would say you find it a bit much when everyone and his mother is there and can't give them as much attention-

This!
These are your parents!! And they want to come to you. They probably really enjoy it and being with family.

We all have elderly relatives with old fashioned views but we learn to live with it and be patient with them. They could be gone at any time soon. I’m sure you can put up with them for one day.

One day that ‘elderly relative’ will be you!