Would it be unkind to visit on Christmas Day

[MmeHennyPenny]

Normally my parents,who are in their nineties come to my house for Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
I also host lots of other family members :- two babies, two toddlers, teens, 6 people in their twenties and assorted middle aged people!
Last year was a disaster. My parents wanted to hold forth with quite unpopular and out of date opinions. They struggled to negotiate their way around my unfamiliar house. They were highly critical of the children’s presents. They demanded to be taken home early when things were not going their way.
Recently they moved into a residential home. They have settled well and enjoy all the communal activities.
The majority of the residents will stay there over Christmas and there are planned festivities, which my parents would enjoy.
However my parents want to come to my home again as usual.
They are both less mobile than last year and can be a little confused. They both still like to be the centre of attraction.
Would it be terrible of me to insist that we will visit them in their home on Christmas morning and take them out for a walk join them for tea on Boxing Day instead of our normal routine?
I would like everyone else to enjoy their Christmas Day this year and not have it completely dominated by my parents as usual.

Defo time for a change. Sounds the ideal compromise so the parents still see you but don’t ruin things for other family members.

I’d host them, they won’t be around for much longer but I’d plonk them in front of a TV with programmes they enjoy and then you all play games / chat etc.

I’m a big believer in everyone making space for the generations - from babies to the elderly - so I think we all just have to try and adapt.

If your parents have had 75 years of getting their own way at Christmas, it's more than time somebody else got a say.

Late DM was in a lovely nursing home for nearly 6 years following a stroke which left her paralysed, non verbal and with epilepsy and dementia. The home organised a lovely annual christmas lunch halfway through december so residents and their families could sit down together for a meal. Does your parents place have this option? It sounds like they'd feel overwhelmed at yours?

We visited DM either on christmas eve or christmas day and opened her presents with her and her grandchildren. It wasn't possible for her to leave the home due to her complex medical needs but we did feel judged and got snippy comments (from "friends" who visited her maybe once a year!) about why we weren't having her at our house (no wheelchair taxis available, we live up a flight of steep steps and have no downstairs loo) over Xmas day. I also feel it would upset her too much to come round and then have to go back as she didnt understand her physical limitations due to the dementia. I miss her so much this time of year as she loved christmas.

90-odd years of life, they could have learnt to show some patience too?

90 year olds hold outdated views? Stop the press!

I think I would host them for a quiet but festive meal at your house on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with a few family members to pander to them. The day itself I would visit in the morning taking Buck’s Fizz, mince pie and presents and then spend the rest of Christmas Day at home enjoying the mayhem!

Why should anyone have to put up with cantankerous family just because they're old?? I've got one of those and will be quite happy when he's not around at Christmas anymore if I'm honest.

If I'm honest it doesn't sound as if they enjoyed it that much now being at yours. It's perfectly possible to overestimate your ability to cope with events and to keep doing so every year. Go and visit them, ideally a few short visits over the season, and/or multiple people dropping in, and they can stay in their routine and comfort while enjoying seeing you and having your attention. At yours they wouldn't have that.

Hollow laugh at the idea that visiting relatives in a home doesn't require any patience.

YANBU. You're not abandoning them, you're still going to see them on the day, and if they can't behave themselves it is reasonable to decide they shouldn't ruin a lot of people's Christmas day.

Spend a good chunk of time with them on Stephen's day and let them hold forth with fewer hostages.

I mean it depends if there's any fondness there....I've had plenty of elderly and/or difficult relatives but I still have a fondness for them and I kind of think they added something to occasions...even if they were hard work

In general I agree but in this case there are two of them working as a team and it sounds as if they are successfully dominating in a negative way, which is worse than the usual situation.

I would absolutely visit them in their nursing home. Remind them that they didn't enjoy Christmas at your house last year and that they asked to leave early. I suspect they'll have a much nicer time if they stay where they are and where their mobility isn't an issue.

Exactly, I can't imagine my DF x 2 ....

let them come to yours but keep the session short. Maybe to get back to whatever is on in the home.

The way you treat your parents will be reflected in the way your children treat you.

Oh come on. That sounds like a meaningful saying, but it just isn't, is it? Or we wouldn't have the hordes of threads on here where adult children dutifully look after their aged parents even though those parents were neglectful or even abusive to them. Platitudes do not necessarily sum up the complexity and difficulty of dealing with elderly parents, and we shouldn't pretend that they do.

Maybe visit them earlier in the day on Christmas day and have your Christmas day and lunch a little bit later than normal presents with Saint cows do all that stuff maybe take mince pies or sausage rolls but do it earlier

Not Saint cows sing carols voice text is a nightmare

you're twisting it tho aren't you? The Principle is 'Do as you would be done by'

would not apply to abusive parents would it.

My mum invited my grandma for Christmas with the family every year for years. However, when she went into a home in her early 80s she actually preferred to spend Christmas Day there with her friends of her own generation, kind staff and entertainment laid on. We would visit Christmas morning with presents etc.
She said she found the mayhem of young families all crammed into one house, the noise and the chaos very tiring.
Hopefully your elderly parents will prefer this too.

OP, when my grandmother was in a care home and doing similar things to your parents we would visit her and do gift opening and a mini Christmas on Christmas eve. She ended up wanting to stay at the home for Christmas and was not at all distressed about having her Christmas a day early. This might work ?

I didn’t have a great relationship with my dad during most of my life. He was at best of times a tadge self absorbed. Last Xmas he was in a nursing home with Lewy body dementia. Me and my siblings put on a party for him the week before Xmas. Took over mince pies, Xmas cake, sausage rolls etc . Mulled wine (in a thermos on 2 hour 1 way journey- I’m sure it improved with the long steep) . We bought him presents including a Xmas stocking full of silly things, which he’d not had since he was a child. We got a play list of his favourite carols. He loved it. Dad died in October. I’m so glad we did this, it is a very happy memory to look back on now, admist a very dark time of his decline and some frankly shitty nhs facilities (he ended up sectioned for his behaviour) he had to go into over his past year. I was looking at the lovely photos we took of that time as we were planning his funeral, and it cheered me no end to know he’d had a few lovely times with us even at that point .

so, plan something special for them, just before Xmas. Make it just for them. Drag along as many family members as you can. Do the xmas stocking and silliness. Play some party games. Care homes are monotonous and not breaking up the year with festivals like Xmas with family can cause all sorts of emotional heartache. Depression is common- all too common in folks in care homes. They might be cantankerous old people, but do something specifically and uniquely family time for them, and you can do it now as starting a new tradition.

also do rememebr, some of their less than subtle behaviour is caused by loss of inhibitions. It is the last bit of our brain to develop (self control, risk assessment) as late as 20s we now know, but sadly the first bit to go agian in an aging and cognitively declining brain. All the shit that they kept repressed in younger years just comes out. Try to take that into account when evaluating their behaviour, it’ll come to most of us eventually. 🙂‍↕️🥹😱

@MmeHennyPenny firstly thank you for the thread, I am in turmoil about this too.

But I am realistic about DFs physical limitations now (and DF has spent the last few months being quite unpleasant to me specifically). It might be his last Christmas, or the last one where he recognises complains about me. But he’s not the only elderly parent to consider - my siblings and I have in laws in various situations too.

Secondly, many thanks to all the posters making helpful suggestions. I think we’ll go for making a visit special on another day so I know we’ve tried but give the day itself over to other elders who have been much neglected while we’ve been running around after DF.

This! I'm afraid you do need to weigh up your parents wants with consideration to the other members of your family.
I grew up with a grandparent who insisted on ruining every Christmas with manipulation and dramas if things didn't go exactly their way. To this day,I do not enjoy Christmas as I associate it with upset and stress.