Would it be unkind to visit on Christmas Day

[MmeHennyPenny]

Normally my parents,who are in their nineties come to my house for Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
I also host lots of other family members :- two babies, two toddlers, teens, 6 people in their twenties and assorted middle aged people!
Last year was a disaster. My parents wanted to hold forth with quite unpopular and out of date opinions. They struggled to negotiate their way around my unfamiliar house. They were highly critical of the children’s presents. They demanded to be taken home early when things were not going their way.
Recently they moved into a residential home. They have settled well and enjoy all the communal activities.
The majority of the residents will stay there over Christmas and there are planned festivities, which my parents would enjoy.
However my parents want to come to my home again as usual.
They are both less mobile than last year and can be a little confused. They both still like to be the centre of attraction.
Would it be terrible of me to insist that we will visit them in their home on Christmas morning and take them out for a walk join them for tea on Boxing Day instead of our normal routine?
I would like everyone else to enjoy their Christmas Day this year and not have it completely dominated by my parents as usual.

It's not terrible of you at all, you are still giving up your family time to see them and they're not going to be alone the rest of the time. I know elderly people can be difficult, my FIL on Christmas day always waited till everyone was enjoying a film or a game then decided he had to be taken home NOW.
Visiting them how you describe sounds like the perfect solution.

Do it. It will be an adjustment.

Do it! For everyone's sake.

I so wish my parents had done this when I was a child instead of insisting on the elderly relatives being there every single Christmas.

I'd visit them, the home will have carols, Christmas lunch, drinks and games, they might get agitated if they are nit ready in time, it's supposed to be a relaxing day for everyone

Now they're in a home that sounds like a great compromise.

Sounds ideal to me. Hope you all have a lovely day.

Is there a compromise, they come to you for Christmas lunch and get dropped home around dusk.

Can you get them round briefly for an hour in the morning and then have everyone else arrive after the parents have left?

otherwise yanbu

No...I'd host them still. Lots of people have tricky relatives...they're in their nineties, to be blunt, they don't have many Christmases left. How about the other guests show a bit of patience for one day of the year?

I'd change the routine altogether as you suggested, boxing day tea or Xmas eve with presents for them. They will have activities and company on Xmas day and you have enough to do catering for all those people without interrupting it to go out.

Last time my mother came for Xmas dinner, she faked a choking fit in the middle as she didn't like my attention being on my adult kids instead of her. She insisted on being taken home straight away even though we were still in the middle of dinner......never again!!

Sounds like they were rude and out of order last year so visiting them seems the best way. It’s not all about them (even though they might think it is!)

I agree now is the time to bring in the changes. I work in a care home but not in the capacity as a carer. Yes, there will be a Christmas lunch, I would not anticipate carol singers or entertainment from outside providers on the day as most people will want to spend it with their families. The run up to Christmas day is the busiest time calendar wise. Christmas day I would expect to be quiet and reserved for visiting families.

We had this conundrum with my father. He had dementia but could hold a conversation so long as he was allowed to monologue with his opinions (not that different from pre dementia tbh).

He was in a brilliant home and we discussed bringing him to ours for Christmas Day. Like OP it would be a busy day with lots of adults, teenagers and children. We decided not to as he had become increasingly overwhelmed when we’d previously taken him outside of his day to day environment plus he tired easily with the family noise.

We realised that the main driver for bringing him out was that we knew that people would judge us if we didn’t. Thus visiting him in the morning with presents and love, then leaving him to rest and enjoy the activities and Christmas lunch in the home was actually the kinder thing to do for him. So that was the decision.

iIn the event he died 2 weeks before Christmas. But we still felt that it was right to make the best decision for him and not for what others might think of us.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I'd still host them, they won't be around forever and I imagine a Christmas in a nursing home might be very difficult for them. I totally understand your predicament though so no judging but I would probably just do it. Maybe have them round early then take them home after lunch, saying you want to drink. Xx

We've got this situation with FIL this year. He's always spent Christmas with his ladyfriend and her family or friends. We've always had them both round for a meal on Christmas eve. However, this year he's in a nursing home and we've decided to visit him in the morning and then he'll join in with their Christmas lunch etc He's always been extremely hard work and has never really socialised with us until he became ill and couldn't get around to his usual social activities (he was always away for weekends or going out for meals with friends etc). Now he's in the nursing home and the friends are no longer in sight. He's always put others before my dh, even buggering off to stay with friends when dh was about to start cancer treatment years ago and we needed help with lifts etc I wondered about bringing him out of the home to join us for Christmas but have decided it'll be too much like hard work so a visit from us on Christmas morning will have to suffice.

Just tell them your plan and if they question it just remind them that last year they wanted to be taken home early .

If it was me I would have them over. They may have settled well into the home but it's still nice to be included in family gatherings. You could pick them up in time for lunch and drop them back at the end of the afternoon - half a day all together. Everyone has relatives with different opinions, you just agree to disagree and don't turn it into a battle. That doesn't mean everyone else can't enjoy the day.

My father (94) was very difficult towards the end of his life - I decided to put up with it and invite him for Christmas as it might be his last one (it was).

He was absolutely vile - spiteful, selfish, bitched on the phone to my brother about me (I was in the room!) and picked arguments with me at every opportunity. I managed to get through it without biting back but was hugely upset.

He died the following year without me seeing him again (because of covid) though we did speak on the phone. That final Christmas really coloured my memory of him for the first few years after his death and I wished I'd not invited him so that it wouldn't be the last week we had ever spent together.

So maybe you are doing what's best for everyone - parents, yourself, your guests - if you visit them in their care home as you suggest

They are very lucky to still have each other and to be in there together. I would let them stay there Christmas Day and visit them during the day at some stage. They obviously don't appreciate your hospitality. Most people don't come out of a nursing home regularly once they go in. It may be unsettling for them also.

You’ve hosted them for years and sound like you’ve done a very good job of it. Time to ring the changes! You can explain that it’s too much and just visit them on Xmas eve or Boxing Day instead. Say it’s your age and energy levels, all the driving etc!!

How awful and mean. I hope your children never treat you like that.

Everyone has relatives with different opinions, you just agree to disagree and don't turn it into a battle. That doesn't mean everyone else can't enjoy the day
that is easier said than done if the views being expressed are racist or homophobic for example , some things you can’t just ignore .

Of course, do it!

My DM is in a home, and she very surprisingly announced that Christmas wasn't just one day, when we said we'd try and visit as close to the day as possible - it's a 2 hour drive from us. She was very level headed, and she enjoyed all the activities that the home laid on throughout the month, rather than focusing on one potentially busy and tiring day.

OP- reading your original post, can’t believe why some posters think you should still entertain them on Christmas day! You’ve done your bit, and been very long suffering. I wouldn’t let them blight the day any more. They’d be better off in their familiar surroundings, expressing their views to all the other residents , who probably sympathise with them, and enjoying the festivities laid on for them. It’s your turn to enjoy the day!