Teen son and FIL

[Whatthewhatnowreally]

Hello, I started a thread here about FIL living with us while recovering from heart attack. You were brilliantly helpful, thank you .mind you, you ALL said, don’t let him live with you! But I don’t know what else to do.
Please help again!
situation-FIL is staying here while recovering from a heart attack. MIL (who is bed bound and who he looked after) had to be put in a home. Probably forever, certainly while we sort out next steps.
DH (their son) has found a house to buy near us and wants to sell their house (500 odd miles away) it will give FIL and MIL a project, and will save on inheritance tax as it will be FIL main home. he cannot live in the home they have and it is too far for us to help. FIL happy with this plan, MIL wants to be the financial guru.
It all seems logical etc, BUT… FIL driving me crazy. I wfh and cannot get anything done as he is always padding about. I feel bad because he’s had a LOt to deal with - heart attack, UTi, so memory loss, really nasty wife, and total upheaval to stay with us where he is feeling useless.
My lovely teen son has had a lot to deal with before - re his sister- and is finally finding a place in the world, but..I’m sitting in the kitchen with him tonight and just getting him to open up and…FIL appears. So DS legs it. He just told me FIL wandered into his bedroom at night .
DS tells me it’s wierd, he doesn’t really want lots of people at Xmas as he likes it just me and dad, since DD left home.
there is so much in here that I need help with! But the most important is DS. Do I say,’yeah granddad driving me nuts too’ or do I say, ‘what a lovely chap! He’s interested in the things you like’
its tricky as, while their grandchildren were babies, MIL and FIL moved 500 miles away, so no relationship there.

Put your son a bolt on the inside of his door. Tell FIL under no circumstances is he to go into DS’s room.

Why buy a project. How long will it take to move into. So he'll be with you even longer.
Get him a rental flat if he's old enough get one in a secured retirement building.
Put a lock on your Childs door so he can be in there without being disturbed.

If mil is staying in a carehome they don't need a project. He just needs a manageable one bed flat. I'd sell the house if mil is not returning there and help him look. Locks on all the doors. He has to respect your privacy. Xmas day he could spend with mil at the carehome. They often have lunch and activities on Xmas day for relatives.

Why does an OAP who's just had a heart attack and put his bedbound wife in a home need a project??

If your FIL and MIL both have capacity, then it’s up to them to decide what to do about their home. Your DH cant just decide to sell their home! Where is MIL actually living and how is her care home being funded?

Project is a super-bad idea. A simple, modern, retirement property is what FIL needs.

Why doesn't he move to a retirement village with other people his own age around, assistance on tap and lots of activities etc to keep him busy?

That makes much more sense to a man who's already had one heart attack than a building project.

It's fine to tell your son that FIL is doing you head in too. There's comfort in solidarity. Plus you'll be able to roll your eyes at each other and try not to laugh.
speaking from experience here

Please tell your son you know how he is feeling. He needs to not feel alone in this and have the reassurance that you aren’t going to accept it long term either. You could be so helpful to each other running interference for one and other.

Ps Their project will become your project, run a mile from it!

Nothing new to add to what’s already been said. A project is just an excuse to stay on living with you while it’s done, and FIL needs to be set straight that he goes not go into DS’ bedroom for any reason- and yes, a little bolt on the inside. Yes tell DS how you feel, it’s important he knows he’s not alone.

Thank you so much! I was worried I had to be all ‘lovely grandad’ which is how I was brought up. So much nicer to say,’ oh no, he’s padding around again like a silent ninja’, and ‘he’s lovely but he’s driving me nuts, is he driving you nuts?’
I can’t help noticing that we were just about to chat in the kitchen after school, and up pops grandad. And off pops son.
re retirement village.. yes, agree!
we have a challenge..FIL and MIL have a house 500 miles away. They can no longer live in it.
apparantly, with MIl in a home and FIL living with us, their main residence would be ours. Which means their home would be a secondary home subject to capital gains, when they sell it.
complicated af! And I don’t know if we have it right -

Why would there house be yours. Why doesn't he just sell the house.

PLEASE put your child first.

You tell FIL he is not to go in DS room. If he tries it again FIL moves out. Your poor son!

Thank you! Sorry missmoneyfairy I meant that if he lives with us, his main residence is our home. Apparently this means that if we rent his house out, all rent is 40% tax, and if we sell, the entire house would be up for 40% tax.

He doesn’t live with you. He’s just staying while he’s unwell. Sell the house quick and get a retirement place for granddad. Take your son out for tea once a week, just you. Leave granddad to DH. Tell son how you feel and you know it’s hard but it’s just for a little while. Tell granddad not to go into his room.

So you and your son are having to put up with this so your FIL can pay less tax?

it would only be capital gains tax on any increase in value from the date they moved out - and capital gains on property is 24%

so that is very much a red herring

there might even be exceptions if moving into care home etc (don’t know about that)

sell The house and get them into a small
flat in supported living

And if you’re finding your fil annoying why do you think you have to pretend to your son that he shouldn’t be finding him annoying?

tell him clearly you understand that this is imposing on him, your finding a solution and thank him for putting up with it

and go somewhere just with your son to do something nice one to one

This all sounds insane.

MIL is in a care home, likely forever (your words). FIL who has had a heart attack and is suffering memory loss doesn’t need a project, he needs to sell his house asap and buy or rent a nice one bed flat somewhere close by.

You and your DH seems determined to complicate this by talking about buying a project and going on about main residences and capital gains tax, which as a PP rightly pointed out is a red herring. Why?

Never mind about the tax. This is your life and your son's life. You will never be happy if your father-in-law lives with you and neither will your son. It's not fair that you are expected to live with him.

I would talk to my son out of the house even if that means taking him to the café every day for an hour or two after school. I'd get him a lock for his bedroom door as well. He needs his privacy.

Where is your mother-in-law's care home? Near you or near her old house?

Sorry you are unhappy son but its REALLY important that your grandad pay as little tax as possible so suck it up.

What was he doing going in your son’s room in the middle of the night? So fucking weird.

The OP mentions both memory loss and a UTI in her first post, both reasons for him entering the son’s room. He may not know where he is or what he is doing. Put a lock or bolt on the inside of your son’s door as he deserves privacy.

I think you need to sort suitable accommodation for your FIL, not a project as lots of others have said. I think your son is also old enough to realise his grandad needs support right now and you need to emphasise that to him if he doesn’t understand. He may prefer Christmas alone, but is he happy to think of his grandad on his own for the day?

Oh ok, I missed that, my apologies.

Still, that would really freak me out as a teenager.