Teen son and FIL

[Whatthewhatnowreally]

Hello, I started a thread here about FIL living with us while recovering from heart attack. You were brilliantly helpful, thank you .mind you, you ALL said, don’t let him live with you! But I don’t know what else to do.
Please help again!
situation-FIL is staying here while recovering from a heart attack. MIL (who is bed bound and who he looked after) had to be put in a home. Probably forever, certainly while we sort out next steps.
DH (their son) has found a house to buy near us and wants to sell their house (500 odd miles away) it will give FIL and MIL a project, and will save on inheritance tax as it will be FIL main home. he cannot live in the home they have and it is too far for us to help. FIL happy with this plan, MIL wants to be the financial guru.
It all seems logical etc, BUT… FIL driving me crazy. I wfh and cannot get anything done as he is always padding about. I feel bad because he’s had a LOt to deal with - heart attack, UTi, so memory loss, really nasty wife, and total upheaval to stay with us where he is feeling useless.
My lovely teen son has had a lot to deal with before - re his sister- and is finally finding a place in the world, but..I’m sitting in the kitchen with him tonight and just getting him to open up and…FIL appears. So DS legs it. He just told me FIL wandered into his bedroom at night .
DS tells me it’s wierd, he doesn’t really want lots of people at Xmas as he likes it just me and dad, since DD left home.
there is so much in here that I need help with! But the most important is DS. Do I say,’yeah granddad driving me nuts too’ or do I say, ‘what a lovely chap! He’s interested in the things you like’
its tricky as, while their grandchildren were babies, MIL and FIL moved 500 miles away, so no relationship there.

Definitely not a project for him. A retirement place where things are going on and he can keep himself busy. Rental if possible but if not try and buy a second hand one. He can keep his savings for his future care needs.

Choose a place for his possible long term future needs such as dementia and other care needs.
If he has memory loss, then the sooner he makes this move, the better.
His house needs selling and you need professional advice on how much of the proceeds are to be designated to MIL for her care.

Everyone on your previous post said don't have FIL move in, so it being awkward can't be a surprise to you, this could be your reality for years.
Mil in nursing care why can't fil join her If he is unable to live independently? If they have capacity to make stupid decisions like 'a project ' then they have capacity to deal with the consequences as disastrous as it will be.
Tell fil to instruct a solicitor to deal with the finances, house sale, house purchase, care home fees etc it simply isn't worth the aggro and your sons feelings to keep this situation going. Is your husband hoping for an inheritance and trying to save the money, at yours and your sons expense?

It doesn’t sound to me like FIL does want a ‘project’.

It seems to be the OP’s DH who seems to have taken over, and the DH who has found a house to buy and is focused on saving inheritance tax.

DH (their son) has found a house to buy near us and wants to sell their house (500 odd miles away) it will give FIL and MIL a project, and will save on inheritance tax

Put a lock on your son's door.

Re the tax - it was fil's primary residence for many years.

He therefore only pays cgt on the increase in value for the time he wasn't living there.

In effect it is like he sold it when he moved in with you.

Speak to a tax person but this will not be a significant amount of tax as you don't pay capital gains tax on primary residences and he will only be liable for tax on the increase since he has moved out.

@WickedlyCharmed I think you are right, how could a bed ridden mil and a fil unable to live alone manage a project!
I said on the first post, buy fil a flat and move into it with the son, leave husband to deal with his dad.
An inheritance isn't a given and I seem to remember there is a sister expecting 50% share for doing nothing. This is the husbands clever plan.

Surely if FIL sells the house and MIL is in nursing care the expectation from the local authority will be that MIL funds her nursing care from her half of the value of the house ?
a project for an elderly man recovering from a heart attack and someone who is I. A nursing home, is a ridiculous idea. your "D"H is being absolutely absurd and naive.
also if your FIL moves from 500 miles away how is that going to work with care home funding or have I got it all wrong and she is self funding anyway ?

Re your DS find some time so he can talk to you. Go for a walk, just the two of you? Or if necessary, once you've made it clear to FIL that DS's bedroom is out of bounds and preferably with a bolt on the door, go and sit with DS in his room. Actually, it's often easier to talk when you're in the car and not looking at each other.

Thank you so much everyone. I’m feeling totally overwhelmed by this family. Thank you for the insight re tax. DH is under the impression that if his dad moves in with us, we will be his primary residence.
I keep telling DH to get a freaking IFA but, no. For whatever reason I can’t recall.
personally I’d have started there?
MIL is self funded in the care home- for a couple of years at least. We would like to get her into a care home near us, but she is terrified of the move - she has ra, and refused to take any medication and is now in a bad way- and refuses to take pain killers. Ouch.
I actually don’t want anything to do with MIL she is very difficult and FIL is ok but he is driving me nuts. DH does get it which is something. He’s been working from home as much as possible and makes his dad lunch etc.
At the moment I’ve put FIL in the spare room next to son and my room. The floor boards squeak when FIL paces all night, and son mentioned it,so I want to move FIL into the spare room closer to DHs room. DH says the room isn’t decorated ( it does need work) and it’s near him and FIL will keep him awake. 😯was a bit suprised tbh. I know he has a Big Job but DS has school, and I have my odd collection of jobs. And it’s his fucking dad.
It sounds like we have loads of rooms! They are very small and go like this..my room, sons room, spare room ( FIL now in) spare room (junk but could move FIL there) DHs room.
son is very cool - he gets that FIL needs looking after and thinks a latch on his door is a bit strong. Bless.
Im also cheesed off that I’m irritated by FIL padding around and sighing a lot. DH is watching footy with him as it’s something they both enjoy, I don’t want to be in the living room with them both.
i am also resentful that I work , admittedly part time and it doesn’t pay much, but I get to tidy the kitchen, cook, tidy the kitchen, and finish tidying in the morning. I’m also washing, ironing, sorting out cupboard fridge cleaning everything etc. and I can hear freaking squeaky shoes outside my room now as FIL wanders about. It’s like a horror film!
while I’m at it I also put all the endless tins of beans that DH buys on the shelf on ref serviettes like an old shop. It amused me, but no, DH finds fault,
. Do I even live here? just venting!

OP it’s bloody tough having olds to look after when you’re working and have kids. My PILs are next door- old, frail, ill. DH and I pull together, he does the lion’s share now. You need to talk to your DH or this will break your marriage. He needs to pull his weight with his parents and not rely on you because you work PT. You need to set boundaries for PIL, he might snivel a bit but you’re a big girl, you can walk away, and he will learn. No doubt the MN angels will say that’s cold but until you’ve walked in these shoes your opinion matters not. Space and self-care OP. You’re the DIL not a carer, not a nurse. You have one life so enjoy it.

@Whatthewhatnowreally you don’t need an IFA what you need is practical options:

• sell the house asap. I would wait until the new year then sell it. As pp have said the quicker you sell it the better. As FIL only owns one property and is selling it to move to a new home I suspect there maybe no CGT to pay.
• get input from MIL’s care home and decide what is best for her, to stay in the current home or to move near to you. They can also help to define what level care she needs now and potentially as she ages. Personally if she is up for a trip in an ambulance I would move her asap.
• Get FIL assessed by the GP and possibly community services and decide if he is capable of living at home on his own - long term. Long term is the key, from what you have said it sounds like he is likely to deteriorate and have increasing care needs.
• Research options from sheltered housing, residential care and nursing/dementia care near to you.
• Make sure you get LPoAs in place asap, it’s a nightmare if you don’t have them and they lose capacity.
• Getting MIL and FIL settled near you asap is going to make the most sense.

Take your lovely DS out for a coffee/hot chocolate at the weekend and be honest with him. Say it’s difficult for everyone, that he must tell you if he is finding it an issue e.g. cominginto his bedroom, that it will be sorted asap and finally you are proud how he is managing the difficult situation.

Finally tell your DH to face up to his parents aging and that he needs to find the right solutions for everyone asap.

OP, you need to tell your FIL straight that he can't go on disturbing everyone else particularly at night. It's massively, massively unfair on your son, who needs someone to advocate for him. FIL doesn't need to pace in the house but your son needs his sleep.

If you wanted to be nice you could suggest a 24 hour gym. But really it's FIL's problem to solve, not yours.

It might upset your FIL and/or cause a row with your "D"H but it sounds like he needs to get more of a grip about how his unrealistic plans are impacting on other people.