Hi all, I've been following this thread for nearly a year but only posted occasionally - its given me comfort to know how many people go through this and are on the same empathetic path. My father, 95, died 7 weeks ago and I'm still foggy with grief. I've actually found returning to work helpful to keep going. Some days being invited out to see friends seems daunting and others a welcome distraction. Up and down.
My father was in decline since Christmas, hospitalised a couple of times with infections and hallucinating quite a bit. In his last weeks he slept a lot and finally he went into the heavily sedated last gasping days of life. I sat with him for 4 days as he died with incredibly kind support from the care home staff. I was worried it would haunt me how he looked but happily thats faded from my memory. It was gruelling but it felt right. I was with him.
Given how too long he'd lingered I thought it would be a blessing when he went. It was, intellectually, but it still felt overwhelmingly sad. I wasn't prepared for that. And my Saturday morning's spent religiously with him for 9 years since my Mum died seem empty. There are very wistful moments when I realise no more questions or discussions. A photo found in his papers I'd like to ask him about. His life during the war, at university, meeting my Mum. And my chidlhood sealed, long ago, in the days of moon landings, the 3 day week and powercuts. The past is another country.
After his death I was overwhelmed with having to register the death and book the funeral on my own, but the ensuing bickering with siblings over arrangements and admin was horrid. I opted out of all that for my sanity - said that mattered to me and then left it to them. The funeral was a haze on a boiling hot day, feeling fluey and emotional trying to keep my composure to get through the eulogy. But afterwards, being with close family with pizza and drinks sitting out in the garden till late was lovely.
In the weeks after his death I felt like every small mole hill became a mountain, feeling angry or grumpy or over stressed with day to day things. Its up and down the grief, restless and lethargic, wistful and anxious. I know time will ease it. And that I need to start to putting more energy into what follows from here, booking social pleasures and things to look forward to. In the end, I remember him in his healthier days, the wry jokes, discussions, the foibles and affection. And I'm glad that he told me how much he cared for me in the last months as i did him.