To not understand how to do more

[Facecream24]

So long story short, my sibling is annoyed at me. I’m not doing enough to help. They’re making the sacrifices. From my perspective I don’t feel massively close to DM but don’t want her to struggle. I live an hour drive, when there’s no accident on the motorway, 2 primary age kids, work full time. When sibling asks DM what I’ve done, apparently gets told she’s too busy but I’ve never said this, always asked her to call me if she needs anything but she hasn’t actually called me full stop in years now.

She recently had a knee op. Seems she was discharged with no care in place after. She lives alone after DF died last year. She never communicated the op or what might be needed to the last minute. Sibling stepped in, was on leave and due to visit anyway. As far as I can tell when visiting, other than recovering from the knee op gradually and a few moments of confusion she can take care of herself - toilet, get to bed etc but obviously don’t know what I don’t know.

So I guess my questions are about going forward. What am I supposed to, what do others do? Do I have to drop hours at work, visit more regularly, how often? See my kids less to do more her end? I’m struggling with seeing it. She has cleaners, gardener in summer and already online shops for herself. Sibling seems to be saying more care is needed and she can’t cook for herself anymore but when I was there last she made herself a salad. I think she’s just not cooking because sibling in trying to be helpful has batched cooked for her so she doesn’t need to.

The crux of my question is I guess, how much and what am I expected to do? I don’t want to
diminish my own life or that of my kids who still need me and I’m finding working it out hard. I’m also scared for the future in thinking how to move to care, funerals etc when my sibling clearly now resents me so much.

You think because she made a salad she can still cook? Maybe you need to have a good chat with your sibling and find out what’s really going on. A knee op is a really big op & recovery can take a long time. Do you visit at all as it’s doesn’t sound like you do very much tbh

Hmm.

I'd suggest you do nothing that impacts your own very busy life.

Come and join us on this thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3

You sound busy enough - the comments aren’t going to stop even if you were to give up your weekends / take the children over more often. It sounds like your DM could have more care if she wanted it - it sounds like your sister wants to make this a battle.

@yeesh I’ve been visiting about once every 10-14 days since the knee op and phoning each week. Before the op I probably saw her about once per month. An aspect I’ve found hard is it always being on me to arrange to see her and contact her. I was in a very bad place about 7 years ago now(before she became ‘elderly’) and called her sobbing to tell her I needed her to contact me occasionally, to feel like she was making an effort as it’s been on me for years. She called once and then never again. And still never arranged to see me so if I’m honest since then I kind of withdrew to protect myself, although never told anyone this.

I don’t feel I can now chat with sibling. For years I’ve not been good enough, about anything. Although sibling would be too pigheaded to see my side on that too and would simply point out my flaws, of which I do have some!

Knee op is day surgery now. Still a significant operation and you probably do need support at home immediately afterwards.
I'd have a chat with your sibling and explain the same as you have said here. DM hasn't asked for help.
Plus your capacity to do more is limited.
Maybe your sibling is actually the one who needs a break here. Or maybe they're anxious about your DM. It needs a conversation.

I think you're doing all you can and all you should be doing. Why does your sibling want to turn this into some sort of drama I wonder. Just carry on with what you're doing and ignore it. If your sibling can't manage then talk to them about getting carers in.

Maybe your sibling has the majority of the mental load, along with the practical, time-consuming things she does.
Maybe your sibling has more going on in her life than you are aware of.
Maybe your mother is playing you off against each other.
Maybe your mother has become more demanding or manipulative towards your sibling.
Maybe your sibling just wants a break.

Directly caring for, or even managing the care of, an elderly person can become very draining, very quickly.

I suggest you and your sibling meet up, somewhere neutral, and have a full and frank discussion about your mother's needs, what each of you is and is not prepared to do, now and in the future. It's almost guaranteed that your mother's care needs will increase as time goes by. Better tgat you two work together to ensure she gets the care that she needs, and the sooner you two understand each other the better for both of you - and your mother.
Good luck. It's no fun!

Apparently DM is getting old. For me yes 76 is getting on but she could still have another 10 years yet. She’s lonely. I get that but don’t think I can be responsible for filling the gap and she does have friends and family that contact her regularly. Sibling spends nights with her as lives further away so does have more awareness but when I visited last for 5 hours the only thing she wanted me to do was fix a curtain. I would say definitely needs a break but I don’t understand why they’re doing so much in the first place to need that break but they obviously do so either they’re overreacting or I’m under reacting. I’ve taken another day off work to visit tomorrow so will try to explore with her further then. As the much younger sibling with younger kids I think she just doesn’t want to burden me and sibling has presented themselves as burdenable if that makes sense?

@ICouldHaveCheckedFirst I’m sure that is all mostly true, but I’ve been mostly unaware of what has been done until very recently and now sibling has let it all burst out at me in such an angry and aggressive way I don’t feel like I can meet with them for a chat. I struggle with communicating at the best of times and when confronted fail to remember any of the good points I had to make.

I do understand what you're saying but as the most sibling with the most initiative and intuition in my family, I also get where your sister is coming from.

Mental load is exactly it. Do you have a partner OP? Do they ever say to you, 'well what do you want me to do to help, just tell me'? And if so, does it irritate you because sometimes the hardest, most draining thing is working out what needs doing - anticipating it, seeing it, making arrangements, juggling these things in your head? You can't just say to your sister, tell me what to do.

I suspect that your sister has been taking on more and more thankless work with no one ever seeing it, let alone appreciating it and rather than come to you in a calm way has snapped and been a bit arsey with you. We've all been there - you know it's not the way to sort things out, but sometimes only a crisis will push you to the edge. You say you struggle with communication, well maybe she does too.

I really second the advice to have a calm neutral face-to-face meeting with your sister to talk about what you're both prepared to do. I have one brother who lives abroad and he does all the finances and bills because he can do that online. It's brilliant and he's really good at it, a total anal excel head. Find your strengths and divide out what needs to be done. You don't need to sacrifice your life, but you will increasingly be called upon for your time and support. Make a rational decision how much of this you're prepared to give.

Your mother is still relatively young but it's only going to go one way.

Oh, and make sure you both have LPOA for health and finances.

You can't win whatever you do, your life is busy with work,kids,home etc every working mother knows your work load .
When we set out on this path usually dependent parents are a long way in the future and so the balancing act we become part of does not account for their future needs.
I think the best you can do is meet up with your sister and hopefully you will both reach some kind of understanding, apply for any thing your mom is entitled to such as attendance allowance and look at getting in some care, my mother finally 'gave in' to a cleaner they are now the best of friends and a large part of that responsibility is now taken care of for me and my siblings who all work.
Easier said than done but try and get rid of the guilt that i'm sure you feel ,these type of family situations certainly do that ! your children are your priority and you cannot be in 2 places at once, your mother if in sound enough mind should be very aware of this and so should be agreeing to some outside help which then helps both you and your sister.
Your sister may be choosing to be a bit of a martyr that's her choice, i'ts horrible when you get to this stage with elderly family but what exactly can they expect you to do? so you must talk clearly about what help you can give if you want to do so, but as someone else said you must not sacrifice your life.

It sounds to me as if you suspect your sibling has a point.

I am someone in your sibling's position, with a sibling who feels they are too busy to help much. I am breaking my back to look after our dad, despite my life commitments which are genuinely greater than what you describe.

Remember when they are gone, you will only regret what you did not do.

Sorry if I have read this wrong, but that's my honest reaction to what you've written.

She's only recently widowed. She's probably really lonely, sad, scared and unhappy. You sound as if you don't really care much for her or empathise with her situation. Is your relationship not a good one?

You are not obliged to do anything. Only help her if you actually want to. You may find it easier to support your sibling, whilst she supports your mother.

I understand intellectually that my siblings physically cannot do as much as I can, and it would be crazy to expect it, because I'm the local one. But sometimes my illogical side will get grumpy about it. It still can be incredibly helpful for them to be appreciative while reminding me that I'm allowed a life.

I think you may have to let go the need for your mum to reach out to you. That's never going to change. Would some counselling help with that?

I agree that meeting with your sibling is a really good idea, if they will. If they're staying overnight they sound quite worried about her. It may be that they think your mum can cook for herself, but is worried that she won't cook for herself and is subsiding onto the biscuit diet with little protein? Something like that? I'd let them talk. You don't have to accept their negative views of you, but they may know more about the detail of what's going on. Or you may be able to decide that she really is doing OK and it's your siblings choice what they do.

A good tip I read once about difficult conversations, is to let the other party really have their say. Only ask questions to make sure you understand what it is they're trying to get across. Let them have their rant, let them vent, allow them to let it all out.

Typically they then calm down a bit - both because they've expended some energy on expressing themselves (like a kid that's run round the field three times), and also, because if you managed to keep your lip buttoned and not get defensive and heard them out properly, they'll start to hope that you're dealing in good faith.

Then, take a minute or two to stop and think. More, if you need it. Imagine you're a different person who has been parachuted in to your life, without the hangups and bagge that you, personally, have.

And then pose your suggestions in terms of questions. "If we ... would that work, do you think? Or would there be problems?"

It's scary the first time you try it but it can really help move things along.

It's going to be harder in your case because of where you're starting from. But it's worth a punt. Worst case, if you've done your best and get unreasonable grief anyway, you can at least do what you think is best with a clear conscience!

Could it be OP that you, your DM and DSis form a rather awkward triangle? Your DM’s situation necessitates you and your sibling having to pull together but historic baggage is getting in the way.
Could you and she agree that you draw a line in the sand and start a fresh?

It sounds like you're doing as much as you can, and it's up to your sibling how much they choose to do. It might be worth meeting with them to discuss what you are doing, and what other options are to relieve the load on your sibling (use carers etc).

Knee surgery does require some care afterwards and she should have been talked through this in advance of surgery and asked what the situation was at home. Would your mum have told the truth or would she have implied she had one or other of you living there for support?

but I don’t understand why they’re doing so much in the first place to need that break

Some people need to feel needed when it’s really not necessary. Whether it’s some kind of weird guilt or obligation or trying to make a relationship happen or exist at least publicly, I don’t know.