Peace at last but feel guilty

[Lovingson]

Well, mum has finally gone to be reunited with Dad. I have felt so much guilt in putting her in a home for the last 2 years.

Mum actually died the first time when dad died in 2019. She never got over it and Covid lockdown screwed everything up too.

it’s strange but I can’t seem to get my head round the situation.

in one way I’m happy for her, then I feel sad, then I don’t feel anything at all.

I’m dreading the funeral but at the same time want to do the right thing.

sometimes I think the sooner this over the better, but then I feel guilty that I’m being disrespectful.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

PS Apologies to the Anal OCD members who have replied to my previous posts for not putting my message in the right forum or thread. I just needed to talk privately and anonymously, also I haven’t got a clue how to navigate this site.

To all peeps , Thankyou for your previous support regarding putting mum in care in the first place.

i’d like to think that my experience can help others and in a few weeks I’ll quite happily discuss on a one to one with anyone about our journey if you think it may help you.

As the Queen song goes “Who wants to live forever”.

Beautiful song and lyrics.

For the record. I’m not a wierdo or anything. I realise this is mumsnet, but there is no “dadsnet” that I could find.

Sorry to read about your mum. She is at peace. You need time to process everything. It's natural to feel all over the place. Try to get some sleep, have something to eat in the morning, and be kind to yourself. You have nothing to be guilty about. Big hugs OP x

Hugs can't imagine how hard that is. HUGS

I’m really sorry to hear about your mum, OP. But please don’t feel guilty about anything. I’m sure your mum had certain health or mobility needs that made her living in a Care Home somewhat inevitable. Lots of people live in them when they get older, it’s not a dumping ground, it’s a home which enables them to be looked after in a suitable way.

I can’t suggest any resources for you, but I have had some counselling sessions in the past. If you feel overwhelmed or unable to cope with your feelings (or indeed with your lack of feelings) then give it some consideration. You must be a mix of emotions right now, which is entirely normal and to be expected.

You said you’re dreading the funeral but want to do the right thing, if your mum left some wishes you can follow those. If she didn’t you can take guidance from the professionals. There’s no right or wrong way to do a funeral, or indeed a direct cremation if that’s what you/she prefer.

Accept any offers of help and don’t push yourself too much.

And I’m sure the people on this board will be able to give you more specific advice but I wanted to acknowledge your feelings.

You can post wherever you want, but here is dadsnet because you mentioned it -

www.mumsnet.com/talk/dadsnet

To be honest, I’d rather talk on here. I’m not looking for “man up” speeches or advice.

I'm so sorry OP. Any feelings are normal when you're grieving, and guilt is very very normal indeed. But I'm sure your mum wouldn't want you carrying that around with you.

Sorry about your mum OP, but pp is right. You will go through so many emotions when dealing with grief, all valid in helping you to digest it. Just roll along through them, how you feel is how you feel at that time. Hope things get better for you, take care of yourself.

“Just roll along through them”

This is good. Kind of, accept the good and the bad feelings, it will all come and just try to let it wash over you somewhat.

Funerals are tough - I would have given almost anything not to attend my dad's funeral - but so far I have nearly always felt better afterwards. I really hope you find the same. Is it all planned now?

My mum has been in a home for 3 years. I know what you mean about the dreary guilt. She nearly died last winter and my feelings were extreme, a longing for it to be over along with chaotic grief, and a terror above all that she would recover, which she then did. I'm assured by others that memories of the better times will revive after it's over. I can only hope so.

After a previous bereavement I had counselling which I'd really recommend.

I know how you feel about just wanting it to be over. I got through a horrible year of bereavement by counting down the days to the end of that December. Taking down the old calendar and putting up the new one felt very cathartic.

You've been through some very tough years, and reading between the lines, it seems you're the one who had to make tough decisions where no option was without negatives. That kind of experience can seriously deplete your energy. You only realise how much it has taken out of you when you're able to stand still and take a breath, which is what's happening now.

Be kind to yourself, and patient. There are no "good", "proper", or "bad" feelings. Grief is a rollercoaster.

You've probably already done most of your grieving while she was alive and gone through all the classic stages, and this is 'acceptance', if that makes sense. I'm assuming she had dementia/depression, and dementia is a terminal illness OP, a physical disease of the brain. It doesn't make you a terrible person to wish for release for a person suffering in this way. 💐

Sorry about your Mum.

You do sound a loving son. It’s heart wrenching watching a frail parent suffer the odd of the other.

She had a loving son, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Hi,

I'm in exactly the same boat. My dad had dementia and lived in residential care for over a decade and finally passed away yesterday. He's been 'gone' for so long that even his teen grandchildren have no real memories of him as a person.

I mainly feel frustrated that because he died at a weekend, I can't do anything practical.
I'm also worried about being judged by others for appearing not to care, but I've been grieving for 10 years and I'm mostly just relieved that it's over. I'm planning to delay telling my boss so I can crack on at work tomorrow to get some stuff finished that can't hang around because I think I'll be told I need to take leave...

It's really hard when you've already lost them to them have to lose them again publically.

I feel for you.

I think I understand what you mean about your mum dying twice. After losing her life partner, Covid and then the home, it must feel like you have both been in limbo. Deep down you want them reunited with the loved one but feel guilty about even thinking it.

All you can do now is try to live your best life without her. You have a difficult road ahead. I don’t believe that time heals but things definitely become more bearable. I really hope you find some comfort.

Well it’s the big farewell tomorrow and I’m feeling shite. I’ve somehow ended up in the middle of a battle field between younger brother and the wife over service, readings,eulogy ,coffin carrying you name it. What the is wrong with people! !!!!

I just feel like a punch bag, who can’t do right for doing wrong. My mum has died and I’m getting emotionally hit from all sides.

I’ve actually thought about just packing a bag and disappearing for the next couple of days but that would be disrespectful to my mum, so for her sake I’m going to go along with this farce.

instead of bringing us together as a family this is doing the exact opposite and I feel caught in the middle trying to appease/ apologise/ dissapointed/ let down to both of them.

lesson learned, when I go I’ll have written my own eulogy, chose my own music, readings, cheap cremation, no service, no wake. Bollocks to ‘em all

rant over for now.

will let you all know how it went!

@Lovingson hope it goes well.

As for fractures in families I cannot fathom why people do not want to keep it uncomplicated and just work together. I get we all experience life differently but when relatives make it a competition to who appears to ‘care’ the most etc it is ridiculous. Hopefully things will start to pick up for you once everything settles.

Rather than packing a bag can you just decide to be dignified and rise above any silliness by just not rising to any bait which will inevitably occur?

We don’t all need to ‘perform’ our grief we can be quiet, humble, reserved, have a little humour. Some people seem to NEED to show angst etc. I am quite unemotional in public and I have been judged to ‘not care enough’ when actually behind the scenes I am desperate to sort a situation.

Stay strong and do let us know how you are doing after tomorrow. There is no right or wrong way.

It will soon be over - try to get through the best you can. Your emotions may be all over the place for a while - try not to let your family wind you up any more than they have done.

Condolences. A parent dying does weird things to your emotions. Everything surfaces in time. I found just letting them roll through and acknowledging the emotion without necessarily working out why you were feeling it was a good coping strategy.

You may find feelings about your father surfacing too, now you no longer have to worry about your mother.

Before the funeral is a weird time of limbo too, so much to organise. Afterwards there'll be plenty of time for reflection. Go easy on yourself. You've been through a few years of turmoil. Take the time to process it all and come to terms with it. 💐

Sorry you are going through this OP. I cared for my late DM along with my two siblings. I still think what if she had come to live with me? Even though I know with her health issues it would have been impossible. In the end she needed more care than any of us could give.
This was also the case with your Mum and you did your absolute best by the sounds of it. You were a loving son.
One of my siblings virtually had a nervous breakdown because of our situation. My siblings fell out with each other because of the strain of caring and I had to act as peacemaker. You just need to get through the funeral as best you can tomorrow.
My mother left instructions on everything she wanted for her funeral but there were still squabbles. It was the heightened emotions due to the bereavement that contributed to the arguments. We all get along fine now.
As others have said be kind to yourself and of course post here if you wish. I know some on MN can be harsh but I have had a lot of kindness on here also.

My condolences op, I lost my mum a fortnight ago. Get the formalities over, hold it together and get through it - I hope it goes as well as these things can. Then you can get on with grieving. It’s a strange time - I am finding it harder than I expected (my mum had advanced dementia, could do nothing for herself and really it was a relief and a blessing), this realisation you are actually now parentless, and that chapter is over. Take care, be kind to yourself, and take each day as it comes.

Hi, thanks for your messages of support. You’re right blue legume. I will rise above this. No booze for me tomorrow, not ending up fighting . Tomorrow is all about my mum for me. If other people want to get into a “Psng competition I’ll leave it to them.

I must be either naive or an idiot to be caught up in the middle of this ego battle. I don’t give a s*2t who is the best mourner, what is wrong with people?

I’ve read quite a bit about human relationships but this seems to be so far out of the ball park. FFS this is my mum I’m saying goodbye to.

who carries the coffin, who writes the eulogy who gives the eulogy who reads a poem who chooses the music we have?

I’m sick of it all, as far as I’m concerned tomorrow is a circus act which I’ll go along with to keep the peace as much as I can.

I think I’ll have my own solo second funeral to honour and remember mum sometime next week.

love my brother and my wife but at this moment in time would be happy to physically smash their heads together.

On to the next rant.

Dad was a Catholic, who at the time fell in love with and married a Protestant (o’h the shame).

As you can tell I’m in a mixed emotional time so I apologise to any people of faith I might offend.

anyhow, back to the story.

I can remember countless nights as a child crying about mum because as Father Murphy’s had pointed out, mum wouldn’t be able to live in heaven with dad and my brother because she wasn’t a Catholic.

Well for the record, “Fu?k Father Murphy” she made it!

second rant over but there may be more to come.

Apologies to anyone I’ve offended but these are my current thoughts and feelings at the moment and which I feel in a safe environment to express them.

DHs father had dementia; some months ago when someone was a bit shocked by DHs attitude DH said “my dad died years ago”. He grieved as FIL declined. I am sorry for your loss, but whatever you are feeling is OK.

Other than weddings, funerals are the occasion most liable to bring out the bad behaviour in families. I hope you get what you need, OP. All feelings are normal and valid at this time, including feeling relieved, angry, hyper and even weirdly elated. You’re absorbing bit by bit the loss of your mum and that’s hard. Keep posting if it helps.

@Lovingson we all hear you. We are all behind you and tomorrow will be over before you know it. Present the best version of yourself. Shake your brothers hand and know you have an army of us quietly behind you.

Your last post really sat with me. I absolutely respect anyone with ‘faith’ but goodness me it is divisive.

I do think those of us of a certain age 70s/80s children we have had an eye opener about ‘the church’. If you can put all that aside for now Father Murphy had been brainwashed to sell his own religious beliefs-to make loads of people scared that if they didn’t behave a certain way they would ‘rot in Hell’. I can’t wait it - sounds a riot. Gallows humour I know.

I wont preach ( I just did!!) but if you can stay off the booze today and tomorrow. It’s a Catholic/Irish mess up when you need a clear head and to be able to look back on tomorrow without regrets. Booze will mess with that. Tough as it is try and steer clear - the maudlin crap it brings out is just that. you know the truth. Tomorrow is the start of the rest of you life. Take care