Peace at last but feel guilty

[Lovingson]

Well, mum has finally gone to be reunited with Dad. I have felt so much guilt in putting her in a home for the last 2 years.

Mum actually died the first time when dad died in 2019. She never got over it and Covid lockdown screwed everything up too.

it’s strange but I can’t seem to get my head round the situation.

in one way I’m happy for her, then I feel sad, then I don’t feel anything at all.

I’m dreading the funeral but at the same time want to do the right thing.

sometimes I think the sooner this over the better, but then I feel guilty that I’m being disrespectful.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

PS Apologies to the Anal OCD members who have replied to my previous posts for not putting my message in the right forum or thread. I just needed to talk privately and anonymously, also I haven’t got a clue how to navigate this site.

To all peeps , Thankyou for your previous support regarding putting mum in care in the first place.

i’d like to think that my experience can help others and in a few weeks I’ll quite happily discuss on a one to one with anyone about our journey if you think it may help you.

As the Queen song goes “Who wants to live forever”.

Beautiful song and lyrics.

@olderbutwiser great post. I am sort of a similar mindset. I had a really lovely day with my Dad just weeks before he got really ill and then had to be admitted to nursing care. That is what I remember.

My mum 'left' about 5 months before she actually died and it was horrible. Although I was dreading the funeral, it was actually really helpful and I did feel some kind of peace and relief after. Commiserations on your loss.

Both my parents are gone, DF 30 years ago, DM 10.Both at good ages after years of needing increasing amounts of care, and worrying and all the rest. I didn’t (really) begrudge it, but certainly could have done without a lot of the constant worry and ‘stuff’ that took me away from career and my DH and my kids. One can only do the best one can in the circumstances given, no more, no guilt.

@Lovingson sorry for your loss 💐, both ways from years of decline to recent events. You will ‘get through’ tomorrow because you are a reasonable adult and will act with dignity despite your grief. You will ‘get through’ the next days, weeks, months, years because of the same.
You just keep reminding yourself that you did the best you could do in the circumstances you were faced with, and there is no reason to feel guilt. You will get there. (((Hug from a stranger)))

@Orphanannie68 💐 Sorry for your loss. (((Hug from a stranger)))

In all honesty, you feel how you feel. My dad died 6 months after my mum and it was a relief, I was his carer after we lost her and it was painful and difficult. Doesn't mean 2 years later I don't miss him, and wish things had been different.

So sorry to hear about your mum. It'll take a wee while to make your peace with it but it will happen.

If your family are going to be difficult or performative mourners just step well back. It's fair to say that people do find comfort in the ceremony of religion and the words. When everything settles down that's when your family will need you, and maybe the other way round.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Grief really is a roller coaster and can do peculiar things to people so you're right, rise above it tomorrow, put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. I liked that you said you would do your own 'funeral' for you mum at a later date - that is such a good idea.

@AgnesX spot on. It’s abit like when you have a baby and everyone wants be there at the beginning. When you really need them is about 2 months later. Be strong

So sorry for your loss @Lovingson it is a very difficult time for you. Loads of different emotions whirling around and it is hard enough dealing with your own without trying to deal with other people’s. Just mind yourself, it is a huge loss, even if you were grieving before now. Tomorrow is just a ditch full of thorns and you have to walk through then, whether you tip toe or run through it is going to hurt, just focus on what you can manage yourself and take regular —toilet— breaks to catch some air for yourself.

@Lovingson genuinely do not understand why your wife is getting involved? her only job at the moment is to support you, her husband, because you are one who has lost his mother. it isnt her mother! at least you get to be involved! I did not get a say at all in my mothers funeral. neither me nor my younger sis were even allowed in the funeral car! big sis took charge and had her son, son's wife, daughter, daughter's son, and daughter's friend in the car??

Funerals are a minefield of emotion for everyone involved. Even though they are behaving badly don't fall out with your B and SIL. People are not at their best and still want to think that they are contributing to the service in a way they think of as appropriate. Not worth falling out over a hymn!
The funeral is the formal part of grieving , a public ceremony to honour your mother. However afterwards you can grieve in your way that is meaningful to you and you alone. If Irish Catholic you can have a Mass said in months time where perhaps you can choose everything. Or mark it some other way .

Ideally we would all die peacefully in our beds . But that is not reality and it will come to us all. The phenomenon of living longer leads to many more people needing residential care . Unfortunately longer lives do not necessarily have great quality lives . Your mother in her rational thoughts would have known that you tried to do your best. It is not as distressing as you think as we are looking at it from a different viewpoint . Many people in homes are glad to feel safe and taken care of, not alone although they may be unable to express it .

When my Dad passed from alzheimer's I felt relieved, he hated how he was living, and the last few weeks were awful. When Mum passed a few years later it gave me comfort to imagine them together.
With time it does get easier, be kind to yourself.
For the family issues at the funeral, I'd try to not let it get to you - let them be as unpleasant as they want - just focus on looking after yourself

It will go well, OP. The funeral people who attend in their professional capacity will guide you through. I remember your previous posts. Stay strong.

Hi everyone. Firstly I want to say thankyou for all your support and words of wisdom.

Yesterday was both mentally and physically exhausting but I got through it.

I even managed to take part in reading the eulogy.

Today has been a weird day. I’m so tired but sort of at peace with things. Whilst I’m sad she’s gone, I have the comfort in knowing she’s where she wants to be with Dad.

This may sound odd but every time I try to think about her it feels like my brain is putting up a brick wall that I can’t get past and won’t allow me to get through and do that.

I realise I’ve got nothing to feel guilty about putting her in a residential home. TBH at this moment in time I don’t feel anything at all just numb. It’s just like being on Diazapan, you’re aware of what’s going on around you but you don’t feel anything or even people speaking to you.

Time will heal and I’ve no doubt I’ll have some blips along the way but in the end I know I’ll be fine.

once again many thanks to you all.

LS

I'm glad you got through the day okay. I think the grief is said to ebb and flow, I'm sure you'll have good and bad days to come, but that is normal and you'll get through them.

And you're right to not feel bad for ensuring your mum was in the best place for her, which was a nursing home where the staff were well trained and were able to care for her as she needed to be cared for.

I'm glad you've found some relief and kindness on this thread too.