What am I supposed to do now?

[BrainstormGreenNeedle]

I think my mother's mind is failing but it's not presenting with a typical memory loss. It's more behavioural and mood based stuff. Unless if her memory is much worse than what I realised.

She told me last year after she got the oil tank filled that the tank needs replacing by the next oil fill. The delivery guy said it.

By Christmas she wanted to get another delivery of oil and I reminded her that we have to use the oil in the tank so that we can start replacing it in the spring. I was only met with snarliness and anger from her.

The same thing happened again in the spring.

Basically by the summer - the same thing happened. She has no intention of ever getting that tank replaced.

It's not a money thing. She has the money. Also I was willing to help with it too. So it's a money thing with her.

She's just completely ignorant to implications of ignoring this.

I didn't know what to do. I emailed the oil company back in September to see what we can do about this. I was asked to call back on a number and I was talking to a lovely guy. He said he was going to put a notice on her account to not deliver any more oil to her until the tank is replaced. The notice would have acted as a push to get the work done.

So my mother picked up the phone yesterday and she rang the oil company for more oil and nothing was said to her. The oil company still came and delivered oil to her.

The tank is rusty and over 30 years old. It's an environmental hazard at this stage. My mother has no awareness over the shit storm that may happen if this is ignored.

What am I supposed to do here? She's ignoring it. The oil company is ignoring this.

It's all so stressful.

Hi. I think the oil company can lead on it. Ring them and speak to them again, maybe complain under health and safety.

My elderly father won't accept any help and will die that way. I will not be able to change that. It is his choice.

Is the oil tank replacement something you can afford to do or do you have power of attorney to access her money?
If yes, I'd just organise it - when ours was replaced they drained the oil, fitted the new one and put the oil back in.
She may be anxious if losing heating and hot water whilst waiting on no oil and a new tank?
Or worried it's the wrong time of year and she'll be cold for the day?

Also does the oil tank need moving? Ours did to comply with new regulations so was a bigger job having new base etc built

If you can organise the work and remove her obstacles she may agree?

I don't have the money. I could take out a loan but that doesn't make any sense either. I don't want to invest in a place that's not mine and I won't ever be appreciated. She also made her will and she wants to leave the family home to a brother who is living abroad. I won't be investing in the place.

I don't have power of attorney.

We have a back up fireplace. Surely that could be used while any work gets done. She's not anxious about any of that. There has been a gap of 14 months to get this done. She hasn't done it. Shes just completely ignorant of the implications of ignoring ignoring this.

Also the tank is so rusty that I reckon there is bits of rust in the oil. It doesn't make any sense putting in a new tank and putting the older oil in. That tank is going have to be empty for any work to be carried out.

Leave her at it. If she left the house to your brother she doesn’t think that much of you and you seem to be the minder / career. Tel your brother abroad and then leave it.

I think what you need to do is step back and live your life. You aren't responsible for her. It is not your job to sort her out. She has money, so when she can no longer cope on her own she can have paid-for help.

Environmentally, that's on the oil company. They have the power to not refill the tank so leave it to them.

Financially you don't have POA so leave it up to her.

Personally, put yourself first. Disengage and concentrate on making your life nicer. If you feel bad about oil possibly leaking, just donate a tenner somewhere to an environmental charity or something then disengage.

You simply can't win, so try not to play the game. At least, that's what I try to tell myself.

OP you need to take a step back.

It is your mother's house and decision to make. If she is losing capacity but you have no POA there isn't alot to do about this if she won't agree.

Ultimately the tanks are stronger than they look but will leak eventually. Its up to the oil delivery company to decide if they will fill it.

Once it leaks then she will lose that oil, and a new tank will have to be put in and filled. Its a day's work at most.

Yes its frustrating to watch a disaster coming but step back and let go.

Even if the oil company refuses to deliver chances are she'll just order from.a different supplier

I'd just step back too.

We've just had to have ours replaced. It took 5 hours including emptying the tank, moving the base and extra pipe work as newer regulations meant it couldn't stay in same place. The oil company will eventually say they can't fill it (or they should) if it's not fit for purpose.

Oh my god, I'm in the toilet in tears in work. I won't be going back into work ever again as soon as I have today-tomorrow off. I am going to kill myself if I ever have to work like this again and I swear.

I had a lady come to relieve me if my work and to give me a break. For 2.30 and that's lovely only she sat on her fucking ass and did not take over. It was just there about 5 minutes again when I ran from my work because ei had to go to the toilet and I was in tears shouting at her to take over from me. You see I am still wearing the same fanny pad that I put into my knickers at 7 o clock this morning. Why am I not allowed to changed my used period pad? Why do I have to kill assault someone for something basic? I would actually jow do better in prison. I seriously would. If I started work in any other job at 8 am I would had at least an hour's lunch break by now. My god that fucking cunt of a relief person.

What a fucking job. I'm going to fucking kill myself if I ever do another week here. I swear to god. I am gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Why is suicide an attractive option for a break? Even when I am dead those cunts will dig me up out of my grave and make me work or at least piss into my grave.

7 o clock in the morning I placed a pad into my knickers. It is 3.30 pm and I had to cry and beg just to change my pad. My fucking god almighty.

Sorry this was supposed to go into another thread about a never ending work schedule

@BrainstormGreenNeedle reading your mistaken post plus the original post re your Mum, her oil tank is a low priority for you

I don't know about you but when I'm overwhelmed everything can seem like a major issue.
Be kind to yourself and please reach out if you need help or need to talk. Sounds like you are going through a lot

It's my job. I started at 8 am and I won't see a finish til about midnight and I have a bed in work just to do it all over again tomorrow. Its too demanding and I never signed up to work like this. A lady came to give me a 'break' for 2.30 but never realived me of my work and care duties. I work in care. I was wearing the same period pad since 7 this morning until I just fled into the bathroom. I want to kill myself. For a break

Any other job and your clock in. You do your hours. Get a break. Clock out and go home. Just not this job. You going and you may get a break in a 16 hour stint.

Being a carer is an exceptionally difficult job/vocation and you have my utmost respect, but you can't care for people if you're not looked after yourself.
I don't know you, I don't know how serious you are in your comments re killing yourself but I really do want to ask you to have the strength to call Samaritans number is 116 123

You working hours and conditions sound illegal.
Any chance of a change of job?
Carers are in short supply round us.
How come you’re sleeping on site?

OP, you sound exhausted and unwell. Can you go home now , or just tell someone higher up that you are poorly and have to go home. Do you have any support at home?

@BrainstormGreenNeedle with a gentle hug I mean this with kindness - I have asked Mumsnet HQ to intervene.

The company have been warned about the state of the tank.

Call them one more time about it and this time ask for an email confirming that they have been notified about the tank, and that it has been 14 months since the problem was first flagged by them, amd that you are raising the matter with them for the second time.

Then you'll have a record that they ignored it.

OK, I see your other post.

Walk away from your mother's problems.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

All the best, OP