Convincing Mum to accept a weekly care visit

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My 81 year old mother lives alone 60 miles away from her daughters.

I have found a carer that can visit.

It's just £16 an hour.

She says she doesn't need it yet.

I need help convincing her.

What arguments can I use with her?

Hit me

The other thing that annoys me is when they refuse to socialise with peers because they are convinced they’re all a bunch of old fogies. I said to my mother that if she was so switched on and cognitively fit as a fiddle, then it would be nice to befriend some of the people who were lonely or struggling. Obviously this won’t happen because my mother still thinks there’s a cool girl gang that she should be a member of.
Frankly I’d be happy enough to go into an aged care home now and have someone bring me cups of tea and wheel me around the garden periodically.

Say its just a trial for 2 months

Spin a sob story about the carer - how she is down on her luck and really needs the job

@Happyinarcon agree with you. My mother struggled from her 50s to be part of her own peer group age wise. She has always struggled with aging generally and if anything it has helped me to embrace my older face, body and abilities with some grace. That said I still think my mother has a personality disorder. She has always known better than everyone else despite having little life experience. She has always judged people based on looks, status and how much money they have. It baffled me that she would talk about someone and say ‘oh it’s alright for x and y they have £500k in the bank’. She did this about the husband of one friend for years and years. The amount never changed. When he died there was no money. So either he spent it on living in later years OR as I suspect he said it in passing years ago and she fixated on the comment, which is very her. Her fixations have caused lots of trouble. My cousin has 4 kids and has worked really hard in life. She was fortunate to be able to pay for them to be privately educated. In passing at a family gathering my cousin mentioned that one of her children was not very academic. That was all she said. Mum then proceeded to tell everyone that this kid wasn’t privately educated and went to the local comp because ‘cousins name says it’s not worth the money’. This was absolutely made up. Lovely cousin just chose an independent school more suited to said child’s needs. Utterly ridiculous fantasy from my mother.

Just don't push it would be my advice. Sometimes the more you try to persuade an elderly person they need something the more they dig their heels in and refuse

Hello - For my 90+ DM I took the opportunity after she had a tummy upset to say that I had just found out about a local lady (In fact a private carer I had my eye on for ages) who could come and make sure she had a thorough shower and hair wash after being ill. And that went so well that from then on, as I had hoped Mum decided all by herself to have her come round twice a week- maybe you could find a way in like that?

Wow. What a bitchy comment. You must feel very superior.

@PortiasBiscuit we try support each other on here. Your comment was unnecessary.

Thats a good idea.

Lots of good ideas.
It's hard to be patient enough. They push your limits don't they?

My mums quite physically able at the minute.
It's more mental stimulation she needs.
She is keen. Just wants a clear idea of what they will do with her.

Yes. Sigh.
Very funny response btw.

She won't go to places either. I could try the church again. But she swore off catholic priests. After all the scandals.

Frankly I’d be happy enough to go into an aged care home now and have someone bring me cups of tea and wheel me around the garden periodically

No you wouldn't. Not if you had no choice, had your freedoms removed, couldn't choose and cook your own meals... and a list of other things that you don't even think about and that mean independence.

I'm 69, and I see this situation getting real on my future. My friendship group is of a wide age range. I would never choose to only socialise with people of my age, and as I get older I'm sure my age group will get even more homogenous, and there's no reason for me to have anything in common with most of them. And I probably wouldn't have chosen to be friends with most, if we hadn't been thrown together.

My mum, a very bright, intelligent and previously active woman, had to go into a care home due to her stroke, which didn't affect her mentally at all. There wasn't a single person in there who she could engage with and have a good conversation. The activities were basically bingo or infant school type crafts.
I have never felt more sorry for her than I did when I was visiting and they were trying to get her to join in bingo. A game she's have died rather than play before her stroke. In a plaintive voice that I'd never heard before, she said to the carer "one day, couldn't we just have a quiz?"

One of the things that helped with my mother was that my Dsis (who was visiting them twice a week as she lives closest to them) was likely to get busier at work and we wanted to have someone local that we could call when needed. This lady came recommended and it would be sensible to get to know her and she us, we told her.

My mum accepted although I had to be there the first couple of times as she was nervous.

The carer now attends 3 times a day and we couldn’t do without her.

DFIL used to do crosswords, until he couldn't see to read (also had dementia). One carer latched onto this. She read out the clues, he gave the answers, she wrote them down. Success.

In our experience it’s better never to mention the ‘carer’ word. A driver, a person to help around the house, someone who needs a little job doing housework, anything but the care word.

Definitely never say carer.

I think this is v true, sadly I didn’t realise this sooner.

Or as someone else suggested, turning it around:

'My 'friend' Sandra is having a tricky time, and SHE would enjoy YOUR company mum/is looking for a few hours of cleaning work to help HER out/could do with getting out of the house a bit more' etc.

I agree with another poster about it being so difficult when people don't realise their own age. My nan could still play piano well into her late 90's. Knew all the old classics, war tunes etc. Multiple times we offered to take her to local community places to play. She refused, as didn't want to be around such old people!