Convincing Mum to accept a weekly care visit

[Flyhigher]

My 81 year old mother lives alone 60 miles away from her daughters.

I have found a carer that can visit.

It's just £16 an hour.

She says she doesn't need it yet.

I need help convincing her.

What arguments can I use with her?

Hit me

We went through this with MiL.
What brought it to a head was a fall- the district nurse was visiting daily to dress the resulting ulcer, we asked her to suggest it. That backed up with her neighbour knowing a "lovely lady" who "knows how to lean properly "
Once she had accepted that first step, more help was gradually allowed.

She also had regular visits from the mobile hairdresser, wash and set and tea and natter.

Is there a local church? Other neighbours were in the Salvation Army and organized (including transport) to the weekly lunch club. There was religious stuff apart from a quick grace at the beginning- but a lot of socializing and a good 2 course hot dinner.

Mil lived 100 miles (2 hours) away - we wore ruts in the motorway I'm sure.

I was in a similar situation to you, and I lived an hour away from my mum, and was working almost full time, so could only spend one day a week with her. When my mum was at the stage your mum has reached, she was very resistant to having any support, other than me. I found a wonderful care charity who provided more of a befriending service, and were quite happy to never refer to their staff as carers when talking to my mum or to ask them to do traditional caring work. I was able to persuade my mum to meet the co-ordinator and he spent an hour with her to find out as much as he could about her to find a good match for a carer. It took some more persuasion before my mum woukd agree to have someone coming in, but she eventually accepted that she was a befriender who would keep her company for an hour each week. The agency always sent the same member of staff so they built up a good relationship. As time went on and my mum's dementia progressed, I gradually increased to four visits a week, and I changed the time so that the carer was there to heat up a ready meal for my mum.

My mum had recently stopped driving when her dementia began, and the lockdown had started, which made it easier to get her to accept the extra company when she couldn't get out to see her friends. I always told her that I wasn't going to push her into having carers to take over her housework , and she really did see the woman who came each week as a friend.

Once I realised that she wasn't cooking regularly, I paid for her to have meals on wheels so that I knew she was having a hot meal every day. It was also an added reassurance to know that the drivers were going indoors with her meal every day, and they always contacted me if they were at all worried.

My mum took a range of medication including warfarin and gabapentin, which had to be taken at the same time each day, and which caused problems if she missed a dose. I was also lucky in that the local district nursing service were willing to visit elderly and vulnerable people to administer medication, and once the dementia got worse, they visited my mum twice each day, which was really really reassuring. I know not many district nursing services do this, but it might be worth exploring for your mum if it would be relevant.

I do really feel for you - my mum's decline was such a difficult and distressing period in my life, and I felt so helpless for much of the time.

I am at exactly this point too, and it is so frustrating that they won’t do anything to make their (and my!) life easier.
I am scared for the future and this would help assuage some of those feelings.

Is there a day club she could go to? A bit of company and lunch ?

I would second this

Phrasing it less as caring, more about company and help getting to social events perhaps?

I agree that something like a lunch club sounds like a good option. My mum also goes to a Salvation Army one and they pick her up and drop her back home. Now she's got to know people there she also goes to a coffee morning another day.

I would say it's a social visit to do whatever she fancies and let her slowly build a relationship with the carer. Just say could she try it once a week for a bit to do something fun and hope they click.
I use to do these sorts of visits and absolutely loved it. We did all sorts, some weeks just have a cup of tea and a chat, or go to the shops, help her order stuff online, go to the garden centre, make appointments for her and take her. A bit of cleaning if she wanted.
A few clients in particular I built really lovely friendships and having a carer they trust in the future will really take the pressure off you.

Can you make up a friend whose mum was in a similar position and she said her parents really appreciated having a bit of help? Again say it's just a trial.
Ensure there's a list of things to do (& how to do them) so time is maximised. If carer arrives and says what shall I do she might say nothing.

There are social prescribers at most gp surgeries now or they can refer on if she is lonely. Have you tried those? It’s a good step toward getting carers sometimes.

Exactly

@Flyhigher no advice really as we are in a similar position. Sadly our mother point blank refuses to have any outside care. She had a social prescriber - she refused to engage with her. She had a cleaner - as soon as Dad went into the nursing home she cancelled her saying ‘my daughters will do it’. We only learnt that when we contacted the cleaner asking if she would take the job again, offered her a higher rate ( we would pay not Mum) - she declined the job because she didn’t mind it when Dad was around but she found Mum difficult and judgemental about her cleaning. She won’t go to church - she was there all the time until a few years ago. She won’t have meals on wheels. She throws away food we make so we have stopped. If she doesn’t throw it away she says it’s inedible. She is impossible and she has broken our families. We have had her at various specialists but she is deemed to have no illness and full capacity. She has always been difficult but she is now utterly defiant with us but she knows we are decent people who keep doing what we can so she has control over us. I have backed right off recently as she has essentially lied to all three of us and pitched us against each other. Well our brother specifically.

I really hope you can perhaps show your Mum what has happened to us and convince her if she wants you to be able to spend pleasantly comforting time with her she needs outside help otherwise you will simply visit to do all the jobs needed.

I started by employing the cleaner myself then telling dm she was looking for more work… after extensively singing her praises..

@thesandwich great ploy and well done. Hopefully something the OP could consider but if she is like us we all live an hour away so it would need to be a slightly different conversation.

I think carer is the wrong thing/title. Carer to me says someone who is 'looking after you' eg personal care and meals. If she needs that then once a week wouldn't do any good anyway. Also someone coming it to take care of you really isn't the same as friends or family, its not company, its Beong Looked After. (Which sucks to accept for most competent adults, its demeaning) if she is willing to go the I think you would be better to look for community groups, memory cafes, hobby groups etc aimed at her age group and then this person is primarily there to drive her about etc. Then she has contact with people she may have more in common with, there is someone with regular oversight on how she is doing generally and can work up to getting her helper to pop to the shop, do some cleaning for her, get her laundry or any heavy household jobs done.
Think more home help than carer.

@Onlyvisiting great point. I know where our mother lives there is absolutely loads to do both at her local church and at various community places. I took Mum to a couple last year where she knew people and also there were various activities in the hope she might get a routine and be like some of my aunts who are so busy it’s amazing. One aunt has a weekly ‘timetable’. Aunt does something every day, sometimes morning and afternoon. Little simple chair exercise classes, flower arranging, art classes, a coffee meet up after a mid week church service. All similar aged people and it shows that she does it because she always has a cheery story to tell us. Our mother just point blank refused to engage when I took her and what became evident at one session at her church was that over the years she has clearly had some fall outs with people. In spite of that they were lovely and welcoming with a ‘Oh good to see you out and about again’. She literally turned her head away from two people and stared into the middle distance like a petulant teenager. I am watching this thread in the hope someone has a suggestion as I am willing to try anything. Oh and I got right involved in one art session - just craft stuff not drawing etc so anyone could join in. Mum wouldn’t even try saying ‘I’ve better things to do than gluing scraps of paper on a box’. Well actually Mum you don’t so anything. Bonkers.

Could you frame it as "It's not for you mum, it's for me. I need to know for my own peace of mind that you're OK." or that "She's a friend, just popping round for a coffee every so often."

Other good suggestions here. Sometimes the truth has to be stretched a bit. Is it worth also thinking about getting a POA set up if not already in train? Even if it's not needed or activated for a few years yet?

Best wishes with it all. Hope all goes well. x

"I know you don't need help yet mum, but it would be good to get someone now so that you can show them how you like things done. Also just to make your life a bit easier and have someone to do the jobs you're not keen on."

My MIL had a cleaner twice a week, but one of the visits ended up being her going for some shopping and bringing fish and chips back which they ate together. She was lovely company for MIL.

Yes. They aren't actually carers. Which is why it's so cheap.
Carer is the wrong word.

Do you do housework when you visit?
Maybe you have developed a bad back / knee / whatever and you can't do so much for her, so you're getting someone in to do the things you can't do at the moment. Just until your back recovers, obviously...

Is this a private company/person OP? Has your mum been assessment by adult social services as yet? If not, with her declining memory, I would be getting her assessed now. Do you have a power of attorney? Does she have a diagnosis for her memory loss? Some meds can help progression and she might qualify for additional help.

I feel the frustration OP. My nan lived alone until her late 90's! We tried to get a cleaner in for years. I convinced her that the lady was coming to pull the heavy vacuum around, so nan could spend more time on things she enjoyed doing- such as watching certain TV shows, coming out for lunch with us, doing jigsaws etc.

Trying to get a key safe installed with another nightmare! When we suggested it, and the fact nan locked the house up like a fort, her reply was that my mother could break in a window and climb through a window! My mum was in her 70's with both knee and hip replacements!

As others have suggested, some areas have day centres, where they collect people, provide lunch and entertainment. My MIL volunteers at a luncheon club which does similar, but its just 1 day a week. There are also free, befriending services in some areas. I've just signed my FIL up after his recent bereavement. There might be similar in your mums area.

Chat GPT has no experience of dealing with actual humans, especially difficult, elderly ones.

my experience is that they are so doggedly determined to keep fooling themselves that they aren't old that they are utterly immovable if they have decided not to accept help and will only accept it when they themselves are forced to confront their own failing abilities. Until then you might as well try and force a confirmed carnivore to become a vegan. It's just as pointless.

Exactly @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew my first thought reading that was "Chat GPT has ckearky never met my mother or FIL"

Gosh that was a good argument!! My sweet DM would have totally agreed to that if she had thought she was helping someone out!

We’re going through this too. We have managed to persuade DM that the local meals on wheels service provides good lunches and will make her life easier, and she’s allowed that (she wouldn’t engage with the reablement carers after a hospital stay).

We’ve also gone down the route of saying that we can get people in to help with the things that she can’t manage which means she can stay in the house rather than have to move to a residential setting.

She’s a safeguarding nightmare, but is deemed to have capacity so we’re a bit stuck.

@Flyhigher any update on any advice being helpful?