Convincing Mum to accept a weekly care visit

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My 81 year old mother lives alone 60 miles away from her daughters.

I have found a carer that can visit.

It's just £16 an hour.

She says she doesn't need it yet.

I need help convincing her.

What arguments can I use with her?

Hit me

Can you say it’s someone to drive her to the shops?

If she says she doesn't need it, What specifically has led you to believe she does?

What do you want a weekly visit to do? Is it to have her hair washed/ have a proper bath or is it more a pop in and a check in?
A cleaner to 'help you change the beds' who is happy to keep an eye on the fridge and socialise a bit as they clean is often ime the easiest entry point to accepting help in the home.

What arguments can I use with her?

None. Why do you think she needs a carer?

She needs company and someone to check on her. She's getting forgetful now.

She needs mental stimulation.

Needs a distraction.

She does need a friendly weekly visit.
She's lonely. And losing her memory.

I have had to navigate this just today. My mum has pushed back on help for months but she is not eating or drinking properly.
She was admitted to hospital last Tuesday with an infection- probably caused by dehydration 🤷🏼‍♀️ so in a roundabout way it’s done me a favour as the hospital will discharge her with the package and they’ve had to get her to agree. She has… because it’s not me 🙄
Can you get a third party that she will listen to, to have the conversation with her? Dr? Respected neighbour, an old friend?
It’s not easy
good luck …. £16 is a steal btw 😳

If it's more social, some areas have volunteer visitors schemes. Check with your local council/social care team. They should be able to point you to a directory of services and contacts in the area.

You can also get midday meal schemes that include a welfare check. Both those might be a good starting point to get over any initial reluctantance about paying for care. Then once established, add a cleaner or weekly shower care visit?

I've tried saying it's good to have someone to change your sheets so you don't have to. It didn't work. I'm still working on it, so I guess I'm just marking my place to get ideas.

Convincing your mother to accept a weekly care visit can be sensitive. Here are some steps you might consider:
1. Start with a Conversation: Approach her gently and express your concerns. Use “I” statements, like “I feel worried about your well-being.”
2. Highlight Benefits: Explain how a care visit can enhance her quality of life—providing companionship, help with daily tasks, or simply someone to check in on her.
3. Address Her Concerns: Listen to her feelings about accepting help. She may have fears about independence or being a burden. Acknowledge these feelings and reassure her.
4. Suggest a Trial Period: Propose trying it for a few weeks. This way, she can experience the benefits without a long-term commitment.
5. Involve a Third Party: Sometimes hearing it from a trusted friend or family member can help. Consider having someone she respects talk to her about it.
6. Provide Information: Share details about the care service, such as what it involves and who will be visiting. This can demystify the process.
7. Focus on Health and Safety: Emphasize that regular visits can help monitor her health, catch potential issues early, and provide peace of mind.
8. Be Patient: Change can take time. Be supportive and ready to revisit the conversation if she needs more time to consider it.

Ultimately, the key is to approach the topic with empathy and understanding.

Got this from chat gpt.

Is it faster and better than Mumsnet!!

60 miles doesn't sound a huge distance, can you and your siblings not agree to alternate visits so someone is there weekly? A short call daily from one of you to check she is up and ok?
If she doesn't need or think she needs personal care then that would be really intrusive. I'd probably agree with the others that 'I'm worried it's too much h for you, let me pay for s cleaner to come' would be better. But sending a random person into a vulnerable person's home isn't without its risks.
Does SHE think she's lonely? Local social groups etc could be great, but not if she doesn't want to go

No we can't.
We are already doing dentists and other visits.
We need some respite.

She needs help.

I need ideas on how to convince her!

Yes. She thinks she's lonely.

I have carefully checked out the carer.

Need tips on convincing her gently.

I need ideas on how to convince her!

You just posted them and said the advice was better than here

We ring her most days.
It's not enough.

With my mum, the SW convinced her that the carer was there just in case they were needed and could give her a hand with the housework if there was nothing else to do.

I was kidding! It is quite good. But a bit generic.
I was hoping I'd get a nugget from some experienced Mumsnetters.

My parents found it difficult to have carers at first - didn’t like the intrusion, and found it difficult to give them stuff to do.

Can you give the carer a job to do in the house, so she/he’s not a ‘carer’ as such, but someone to hoover, tidy up, etc, ie, a cleaner/housekeeper etc, so she’s not there to ‘care’ for your mum as such.

Surely you just say they're coming to clean and do her shopping / ironing.

How often do you see her?

I think I need third party help yes.
£16 is a steal. Which is why I'm so keen it's set up.

3rd party I think is the way forward. Just hard to get sorted out.

Sounds like what she actually needs is perhaps a day centre that will collect her and she can go for lunch and activities on one day a week. Or a cleaner or mobile hairdresser or similar to come to the house. Someone to take her out shopping? How often does she get face to face interaction with someone?

What would you envisage this carer doing in one hour a week?

What are her arguments for not having one? Try to see it from her point of view. And consider your own motives - what are you worried will happen if she doesn’t have one.

I have had luck saying a friend of a friend who lives locally to her is training to be a career and needs some practice hours and could they come round to your DM as a kind of practice /confidence builder and to get some tips on what might be useful to get her going. I then briefed the career and it all just went from there