Partner visits hospitalized mother everyday

[GayReader]

We for sure need to have a serious discussion about it, but I wanted to consult with people who may have experience with it before.

I will give some background:
Me and my partner are 3 years together and moved in around a year ago.
His mom has Parkinson (diagonsed around 8 uears ago), and was hospitalized around 3 years ago (when we started dating), and is unconscious since then...

It took us (and me specifically) a while to figure out how we see our future like, as we just finished university, etc.
So it is just now that I started to worry about it.

When my partner was in university, he visitied his mom few times a week, and spent the rest of the time studying or building our relationship.
Now after he finished university he started to go to the hospital everyday after work (around 3 hours, including commuting), coming home around 19:30 p.m.
He also goes there every weekend with his sibilings and dad for few hours, around 3-5 hours (he goes every Friday, and usually on Saturday if we don't have plans).
If we have plans for some day, so he will skip his visits, but it is not like we have plans every weekend or day.

I don't think he shouldn't visit at all, and of course he has to be there for every appointment - this is completely normal.

But I start to feel like it affects our relationship too much.

First of all, I feel like I am responsible most of the household work. He does mop the floors and clean the bathroom every 2 weeks (sometimes every week, if I didn't), but I feel like I am responsible for the rest mostly - changing bed, cooking, some other cleaning and regular things needs to be done. He might do it if I ask him, but I don't feel like I need to give him assignments as this house is ours and not just mine...
It might not be related to his visits to the hospital, but I feel like it is just normal for him not initiate that much if he is less at home (and I know there are way worse guys out there...).

Other than that, his dad doesn't really invite me to his home (because I am a male basically...), and every 2nd weekend my partner goes there, and I go to my parents' home - because we want to visit them, of course, but also so they will all go to the hospital together (but he also goes there when we stay the weekend together in our home). He is invited of course to my parents' home, but because I am not invited to his, we barely come together to my parents', and I don't come to his dad's - which means more time apart.

I start to fear about how our future will look like, because no one knows how long this would last (and I definitely don't want to wish for something awful to happen so we can have good relationship! That sounds sick). I am not sure I have enough trust anymore so he would step up and invest the same efforts in our household and family (if we decide to start one), and I fear like every big step we'll do just means more responsibility on me solely...
Not to mention this just affects our relationship emotionally, sexually, etc. (because we don't really have enough time together I fear).

I could go on, but tried to not make it too long. We definitely have a talk to do, but I wanted to hear what you think and hear your advice, and maybe know if I am unreasonable.

Thanks.

Having a parent in a coma was the worst experience of my life. You don't know if they know you are there, you have to believe they do or life becomes unbearable.
No one understands except other people in that situation, so being with family becomes important.

It does dominate your life and you don't know what will happen. You end up waiting for them to die. At some point you might decide that life would be easier if your parent died then you get the horrendous guilt for thinking that.

I was single when I went through it and can't imagine how I would feel if my partner resented me spending time with my mum.

@FictionalCharacter @Nanny0gg

Nanny0gg · Today 12:40
If I was the mother in this situation, unless the hospital said that it was The End I wouldn't want my family by my side every day if I didn't know they were there. They have their own lives to live
This is how I feel too. A 3 hour visit every day when I'm unconscious? I'd prefer them to be getting on with life. I want them to live their lives, that's what being the parent of adults means to me.

Two things about this

1. in this situation, whatever YOU want, do you think about what your children might want? Being with you, holding your hand, talking to you as you spend your last days/weeks/months on earth is likely to be a huge comfort for them. What do you want them to be doing 'living their lives'? Getting drunk in a bar with their mates? Having sex with their partner? Watching their kids nativity play that the child won't remember? Because I can tell you for free when you have a parent in this situation, you really don't feel like 'living your life' in any other way than being with your parent (assuming a good happy relationships of course).

2.Whatever you think you 'might want' now in the cold light of day, healthy and spry you have no idea what you will feel at that point if your life is ending. Plenty of people exhibit distress in a semi-conscious/end of life state when they realise no one is there. There's a lot of evidence that people in an apparent unconscious state are still 'there' and can hear. If you are frightened of dying, which you may very well be when the moment comes, you have no idea whether you will want your children there with you or would get great comfort from it.

Arriving at a hospital to be told of a loved ones distress in your absence at an end of life stage is horrific.

Until you have done it, sat by the bed of a person who is end of life or in a coma, you really have no idea of the emotional trauma involved and the stress of trying to be there 'at the moment' of death and spend as much time with them as you can before you can't any more. Fortunately many people will be lucky enough to not experience this as it is a heavy heavy weight to bear.

@kittykatsupreme

Hugs to you from someone else who has lived through the experience.

I agree. My late parents would have been sad to think that I felt I needed to visit them every day unless they were actively dying, and I don't even have a partner or children. If I did have children I would have feel the same way. This could go on for a long time and in the meanwhile OP might as well not have a partner. Of course the partner should visit his Mum, but every single day is not necessary.

I have sat by the bed of a dying parent, and I told him that it was okay to go when I was not there - which he did. I know many people who were not there at the moment of a loved one's death without it blighting the rest of their lives. If the partner's mother has been unconscious for three years I don't see that sitting beside her bed for however long it takes is healthy and I can't imagine anyone would want that for their child.

It's also not uncommon for someone to slip away while the person who has been sitting with them leaves the room for a short time.

I have been in this situation though (different illness but a slow death) and I agree with the poster you’re criticizing. I visited my mum regularly but also had to prioritise other people and events in my life. This meant days when I didn’t visit at all and days when I just very briefly stopped by.

As it was a long term decline of multiple years and she was well cared for, it also meant that there were occasions when I went on holiday. It was the most stressful and saddest period of my life trying to balance everything but I have no guilt over the fact that there were times that I didn’t put a routine visit to my mum over other people in my life (or vice versa). My mum would have been fully supportive of that.

I suspect the OPs partner may get pressure and expectation from his family especially as they are not supportive of his relationship.

What information have the hospital told your DH OP? Is mums death imminent or is she stable and deteriorating slowly? If she’s in her final days then it would be normal for her family to be by her bedside as much as possible but if this could go on for several more years then I think it not unreasonable for you to have a conversation about your feelings about how it is impacting the relationship.

. I visited my mum regularly but also had to prioritise other people and events in my life. This meant days when I didn’t visit at all and days when I just very briefly stopped by.

So what?

That worked for you; it may not suit others who are feeling this is precious time they may not get back. The point I was making is that some people may want to be there and prioritise the time with their parent and no one, but no one, has any idea how they will feel when the black door of the end of their life is in front of them especially if you don't want to die or are frightened.

If you are that child that wants to be with their parent because of your love for them (like the partner in OPs post), it's a totally understandable and it's not for anyone else to dictate to them whether that is 'a waste of their life' or they should be cleaning the house or anything else. Any more than it would be to tell someone who doesnt want to sit by the bedside of a parent they didn't love or was harsh or abusive is wrong to do that.

And thank you for the patronising information but unsurprisingly, I am well aware that "It's also not uncommon for someone to slip away while the person who has been sitting with them leaves the room for a short time." Anyone who has been in this situation gets told this repeatedly by all medical staff. Again, so what? If you want to try to be there, you want to try to be there - that's your legitimate choice. If you it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother you - your legitimate choice.

Yet again different roolz for those without kids 🙄

@JenniferBooth

Yet again different roolz for those without kids 🙄

Obviously, people who don't have children don't have the same level of responsibility as those with children.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but some very difficult, painful conversations need to be had.

If she is totally stable, otherwise in good health and the doctors anticipate she'll probably stay as she is gote years, possibly decades, then both you and your partner will need to decide what you want out of life long term. The current set up isn't sustainable forever, and would not be compatible with kids, so it might be either he visits less, you both move to round the corner from the hospital so he can pop in for half an hour a day and its less disruptive, or you split up so you can find a partner who is less divided in his time. If poor mum is deteriorating, then it's totally different, but it's also unlikely to have the same long term effect.

He also is a grown man in a relationship and future plans. Yes it is my opinion and judgement. OP is asking for everyone's opinion and judgement not just yours.

Wind your neck in love, I didn’t even say the comments you seem to be attributing to me in your third paragraph.

Wind your neck in love, I didn’t even say the comments you seem to be attributing to me in your third paragraph.

That's hilarious. 'Wind your neck in, love!" What a turn of phrase. Tell me you are working class without telling me you are working class. All I was saying to you was that what works for you may not work for someone else
🙄

@BananaSpanner

Did @kittykatsupreme claim you said those words?
You were not tagged in the post.
She referred to two people's posts.

Except clearly she didn’t.

@BananaSpanner

She used two quotes.

Were they both from you? No. How is that not referring to two posts?

Did she tag you? No. So why do you think the whole post is directed at you?

You’ve got lots of different pieces of advice here, OP. I also had a parent in a coma for several years in my teens and then again in my 20s.

Basically you feel bad whatever you do. It’s hard to maintain the intensity of daily visits over several years - and as still a child I wasn’t expected to - but I can see how you’d get into an expectation over time and find it hard to stop going because you’d feel you were abandoning them. But also you can’t totally put your life on hold. My parent did wake up in between, for several years, and very much wanted us kids to get on with our lives - which we were doing the second time, and not living locally enough to visit so often.

What I’d want from a partner in that situation - if they loved me and had the patience to stick with me at that relatively young age, would be the sense they had my back and understood that this was something I needed to do.

So no ultimatums, but maybe you can have a gentle conversation about whether this level of visiting is sustainable for them long-term and how your relationship can work around it. This probably isn’t the right time for your partner to be thinking about having his own kids but, if you are the right people for each other, that time will come. This won’t go on forever, even though it probably feels like that now and you are both very young. But the fact he stepped up for his family now should show you he’ll be capable of doing it for his own family in the future.

As a mum I'd be upset my DD was wasting her 20s and not getting on with her life.

As a daughter there is nothing that would stop me from visiting that hospital bed as often as I could.

It's time to let the relationship go, it's still early days, if you have only just finished uni you are both still very young. Your partner does not have the emotional bandwidth to do everything you want and you are going to feel resentful. If this is just about them pulling their weight then getting a cleaner to take up their slack might be worth considering.

You don't sound like you have the maturity to support them through this difficult time and the more difficult time to come when she passes away and your partner and their family need support and to grieve. That isn't a judgement, maturity comes with time and experience. But I do not think this relationship is happening at the right time for either of you.