Partner visits hospitalized mother everyday

[GayReader]

We for sure need to have a serious discussion about it, but I wanted to consult with people who may have experience with it before.

I will give some background:
Me and my partner are 3 years together and moved in around a year ago.
His mom has Parkinson (diagonsed around 8 uears ago), and was hospitalized around 3 years ago (when we started dating), and is unconscious since then...

It took us (and me specifically) a while to figure out how we see our future like, as we just finished university, etc.
So it is just now that I started to worry about it.

When my partner was in university, he visitied his mom few times a week, and spent the rest of the time studying or building our relationship.
Now after he finished university he started to go to the hospital everyday after work (around 3 hours, including commuting), coming home around 19:30 p.m.
He also goes there every weekend with his sibilings and dad for few hours, around 3-5 hours (he goes every Friday, and usually on Saturday if we don't have plans).
If we have plans for some day, so he will skip his visits, but it is not like we have plans every weekend or day.

I don't think he shouldn't visit at all, and of course he has to be there for every appointment - this is completely normal.

But I start to feel like it affects our relationship too much.

First of all, I feel like I am responsible most of the household work. He does mop the floors and clean the bathroom every 2 weeks (sometimes every week, if I didn't), but I feel like I am responsible for the rest mostly - changing bed, cooking, some other cleaning and regular things needs to be done. He might do it if I ask him, but I don't feel like I need to give him assignments as this house is ours and not just mine...
It might not be related to his visits to the hospital, but I feel like it is just normal for him not initiate that much if he is less at home (and I know there are way worse guys out there...).

Other than that, his dad doesn't really invite me to his home (because I am a male basically...), and every 2nd weekend my partner goes there, and I go to my parents' home - because we want to visit them, of course, but also so they will all go to the hospital together (but he also goes there when we stay the weekend together in our home). He is invited of course to my parents' home, but because I am not invited to his, we barely come together to my parents', and I don't come to his dad's - which means more time apart.

I start to fear about how our future will look like, because no one knows how long this would last (and I definitely don't want to wish for something awful to happen so we can have good relationship! That sounds sick). I am not sure I have enough trust anymore so he would step up and invest the same efforts in our household and family (if we decide to start one), and I fear like every big step we'll do just means more responsibility on me solely...
Not to mention this just affects our relationship emotionally, sexually, etc. (because we don't really have enough time together I fear).

I could go on, but tried to not make it too long. We definitely have a talk to do, but I wanted to hear what you think and hear your advice, and maybe know if I am unreasonable.

Thanks.

I agree with both @LouJ36 and @PestoPastaChaChaCha

You only have one mother and one father in your life. If you love them and have a strong relationship and a good childhood, that love will trump everything when they are approaching the end of their life.

Any obstruction at this time will just add huge stress to a difficult time for your partner.

I'd guess that your parents are alive and you haven't experienced anything like this yourself otherwise you'd know that trying to block or stop or even question the amount of time he's spending there will just make him hate you and think you are unreasonable and evil.

This is a choice for you - either you accept it and put up with it or you decide you can't cope and end the relationship.

There is absolutely no way I would put up with anyone telling me I could not spend all the time I wanted with a parent in hospital for whatever reason. I would see them as heartless, unreasonable and unsupportive and would cheerfully end that relationship because you know that they know this situation won't last forever whatever happens.

Either she will die or the intensity of visiting will ease off eventually because no one can keep doing that forever at that level. I'd tough it out if you love him.

He's visited every day for the past 3 years - 3 hours every day for 3 years? How does he find time for anything else? I understand its his parent but there surely needs to be a balance in these things. He still has to live his life even if his mum is in the hospital. It could go on for years. I'd be more concerned that you don't feel part of his family who he sees a lot per week and are excluded from.

I understand its his parent but there surely needs to be a balance in these things. He still has to live his life even if his mum is in the hospital. It could go on for years.

No one who loves their parents & had a happy family relationship with them, when their parents die, ever wished they had spent less time with them. He has probably spent every day thinking this will be the last day he spends time with her.

He is an adult man and is choosing to live his life this way. It's just your own judgment and your own view point that 'he still has to live his life'. He is 'living his life' in the way he wants to. He is choosing to spend the time he can with his mother while she is alone in hospital and is still alive.

It is up to him how often he sees his family, but that does not mean he does not do 50% of all housework.

he has it handily, his job, income and a full time housekeeper at home where he lives ( if owns then you keeping his investment in good condition).

I would stop doing any of his household tasks or his share of housework …. And use that tike to ensure am progressing in career, having hobbies. So if he wants his clothes washed, ironed etc or meals cooked then up to him.

This is not a situation in which being punitive makes sense.

I would recommend couples counseling. Your BF needs help coming to terms with the fact that he is caught, like a fly in amber, suspended in ambiguous loss and complicated grief. He wants to be living his life and thriving with you but he doesn’t know how to put down appropriate boundaries with his family. He doesn’t know how he got into this fix and he can’t see any way to change it. He needs help refocusing on himself and the relationship with you.

He might not want to do it but if not you are stuck, relegated to a side piece life while he dwindles into an adjunct to his family and his mother’s long death.

This.

If you are both men, how are you going to have children?

This is how I feel too. A 3 hour visit every day when I'm unconscious? I'd prefer them to be getting on with life. I want them to live their lives, that's what being the parent of adults means to me. If I was ill but conscious, I'd love to have visits, but wouldn't expect them every day or for that long.

@GayReader has she really been actually unconscious for 3 years? Is she in a coma?

Adoption or surrogacy. Not uncommon.

@kittykatsupreme

He is an adult man and is choosing to live his life this way. It's just your own judgment and your own view point that 'he still has to live his life'. He is 'living his life' in the way he wants to. He is choosing to spend the time he can with his mother while she is alone in hospital and is still alive.

This all day long.

People suggesting couples counselling and household task strikes - WTF?

This man lives how he chooses, of you don't like it, end the relationship.

Trying to change a person because they don't fit your idealism of them is not ok

Commercial surrogacy is thankfully illegal in this country. Adoption process will take a little while I assume.
of course they can always go abroad and buy a surrogate as it’s so trendy atm

Wow, how embarrassing for everyone derailing this thread so they can point the finger about surrogacy. Maybe they will adopt or foster. Do you always creep about online making snide remarks on threads that are nothing to do with your obsession? Or are you homophobic to gay people in real life as well?

He isn’t there for 3 hours! It takes him 3 hours incl commuting! Read the OP

I have a gay couple in my close family but thanks for making baseless assumptions.
this couple just finished uni, a parent is dying and the partner thinks about a child. Do you think they are in a good position to foster a vulnerable child? Their priorities are not aligned.

It was a small comment about their possible future, you're just being picky.

anything else?

Why so patronising?

Couples counseling is not some kind if opprobrious act. It makes a lot of sense for a young couple with such enormous demands being placed on them as they start out. They need to explore how they can thrive and grow their family under the circumstances.

It's hard. Haven't read everyone's responses so I don't know if someone has given this perspective before.

Honestly I'm going through this with my dad now. He had a stroke and has been in hospital and laterally a nursing home for a year now. I was going in every day but it was too much. My family suffered, I got ill and often dad wanted me to leave. You need to ask your partner if his mum would want him to put his own life on hold. Because I suspect she wouldn't.

My dad told me to put myself and family first, and I'm sure his mum would say the same if she was able.

Maybe a halfway solution would work? He goes to see her 4 times a week and you both get a cleaner. Meet him halfway once a week on the way home and go for dinner. Or go the the movies, or to a jazz bar. Do something you'd both enjoy.

And remember that although this seems like forever, it is only for a short time in the grand scheme of things. His mum will pass and you will have both grown and people and as a couple.

Tragic as it is DP and you are living a half life.
His mother will die at some point and if he is not careful he will have wasted the best years of his life. I bet she would not have wanted this for him .
To make it worse you are not welcomed into his family and he is so enmeshed that he lets this happen.

Honestly I would cut your losses and get on with the rest of YOUR life.

I don't think YABU for feeling the way you do OP. The bottom line is that this relationship isn't working for you. Whatever your DP feels he has to do for his DM/his family and whatever those expectations are on him or for him, you need to decide if this ongoing situation is one you can live with. There really is no right or wrong answer here - you can choose to stay with him and support him for however long this situation takes to resolve (his DM could presumably die any time or continue living for years to come) or you could decide to cut your losses. I think you need to decide what you want from life and whether this is it. And if it isn't, you should tell your DP that your respect his decision to be present at his DM's bedside every day, but that you need more from a relationship than he is able to give. There is no shame in that. She's not your DM and this is your life too.

It's no good worrying about what might happen in two years time.Just try living in the here and now instead of worrying over whether or not he will be a hands on father in two years time.

How much of the 3h commute is taken up by visiting? If it's just 15mins it's fine. If it's 2.5 hours a day that's a lot of time to spend with an unconscious person.

Are you sure he's there at all? Could there be another gf or bf about that's taking up his time?

Sorry to hear his family don't approve of your relationship. That's sad.

If everytime I saw my mother I thought it would be the last, I’d be going every day and absolutely expecting my partner to pick up the slack at home. I’d also likely be horrendously depressed and not interested in the washing up.

My partner could either be supportive of that, or report directly to the bin. I’d absolutely never negotiate about the life of my parents, and wouldn’t expect him to either.

It doesn't sound like you have too many other demands on your time. I think coming home at 19:30 is fine, and indeed preferable to coming home after work and going out again later.

It's not actually affecting your life yet - it would be different if you had kids, so if you do discuss TTC make sure to discuss that along with everything else - but for now I think he's fine.

Especially if you're both typical student age. That's so young to be losing his mum. It's not surprising he wants to be with his family.