Partner visits hospitalized mother everyday

[GayReader]

We for sure need to have a serious discussion about it, but I wanted to consult with people who may have experience with it before.

I will give some background:
Me and my partner are 3 years together and moved in around a year ago.
His mom has Parkinson (diagonsed around 8 uears ago), and was hospitalized around 3 years ago (when we started dating), and is unconscious since then...

It took us (and me specifically) a while to figure out how we see our future like, as we just finished university, etc.
So it is just now that I started to worry about it.

When my partner was in university, he visitied his mom few times a week, and spent the rest of the time studying or building our relationship.
Now after he finished university he started to go to the hospital everyday after work (around 3 hours, including commuting), coming home around 19:30 p.m.
He also goes there every weekend with his sibilings and dad for few hours, around 3-5 hours (he goes every Friday, and usually on Saturday if we don't have plans).
If we have plans for some day, so he will skip his visits, but it is not like we have plans every weekend or day.

I don't think he shouldn't visit at all, and of course he has to be there for every appointment - this is completely normal.

But I start to feel like it affects our relationship too much.

First of all, I feel like I am responsible most of the household work. He does mop the floors and clean the bathroom every 2 weeks (sometimes every week, if I didn't), but I feel like I am responsible for the rest mostly - changing bed, cooking, some other cleaning and regular things needs to be done. He might do it if I ask him, but I don't feel like I need to give him assignments as this house is ours and not just mine...
It might not be related to his visits to the hospital, but I feel like it is just normal for him not initiate that much if he is less at home (and I know there are way worse guys out there...).

Other than that, his dad doesn't really invite me to his home (because I am a male basically...), and every 2nd weekend my partner goes there, and I go to my parents' home - because we want to visit them, of course, but also so they will all go to the hospital together (but he also goes there when we stay the weekend together in our home). He is invited of course to my parents' home, but because I am not invited to his, we barely come together to my parents', and I don't come to his dad's - which means more time apart.

I start to fear about how our future will look like, because no one knows how long this would last (and I definitely don't want to wish for something awful to happen so we can have good relationship! That sounds sick). I am not sure I have enough trust anymore so he would step up and invest the same efforts in our household and family (if we decide to start one), and I fear like every big step we'll do just means more responsibility on me solely...
Not to mention this just affects our relationship emotionally, sexually, etc. (because we don't really have enough time together I fear).

I could go on, but tried to not make it too long. We definitely have a talk to do, but I wanted to hear what you think and hear your advice, and maybe know if I am unreasonable.

Thanks.

You've made a commitment to each other, but there's only you making the effort. I understand your feelings. He's putting family, including someone who doesn't approve of you, above your relationship. You need to have an honest conversation. It's difficult because of his mother being in a coma so there must be all sorts of feelings bound up in that.

I think your concerns are valid. His primary relationship is with his family. Part of growing up is that shift so that your primary relationship is with a long-term partner (if you have one) and your children (if you have them). He's not yet managed that shift.

Are you sure his df knows he is in a relationship? Maybe he expects him to visit so much because you are just a flat mate? Surely his dm wouldn't want his life on such hold? Sadly he isn't able to offer a partnership at this time.

Presumably, his mum will not be around for long? I guess you have to accept that he wants to visit her so much if you want to stay in the relationship.

Is the fact his dad won’t accept you a big deal? Your partner is not being very loyal to you if he just accepts this arrangement. Can you accept that you’re not your partner’s priority and his family clearly is?

I have a different take on this. You live together. It doesn’t sound like you have any children or massive pulls on your time. You can both come and go as you please. He gets one mother. She is seriously unwell in hospital of course he should visit as much as he can/wants. Your relationship may stand the test of time. It may not. In his shoes I would hate to have not seen my parent because I was cleaning a bathroom or being with someone I later broke up with. If you really love him you would understand that he has to prioritise his family who are going through a shocking experience. When he is at the hospital spend time doing things with your own friends.

Thanks for the replies.

I will add some more details, beacuse after reading again it sounds a little bit one-sided.

He doesn't neglect our relationship completely - he does make plans and dates for us, show his affection, etc.
But I still feel worried about his involvement if we make any big step forward.

I do too love visiting my family, so it felt ok for most of the time, but I start to feel like it might not be good for our relationship, especially when I cannot go to his, so we cannot just be together and balance it somehow.

Part of the situation is on me, because I am not very good at being communicative, and I approved of the situation so far. I felt like it is not my place to stop him from visiting his mom, which he might regret later, but thinking about the future, not knowing when this would finish, I am not sure anymore.

We talked about part of it (without me involving the situation with his mom yet), and he cried because he let me down, so it is not like he doesn't care - but I am still thinking how we can go forward...

I agree with this.

I wouldn't let anyone tell me that I should see my parents less, especially not if they were ill.

Yes he knows.

I kinda agree with you myself, that's why I didn't say anything so far, and have felt it is not my place to decide.

But at the same time I am starting to think - if we want to get serious and maybe have kids in the next 2 years or something, how would it look like considering the situation?
How can I know it would actually change if we go forward?

I don't know.

Anyhow, we have some talking to do about future plans regardless.

I’m shocked that people even consider he’s doing something wrong by prioritising his very ill mother!
When my MIL ended up in a care home, I’d have been very upset if my DH, her son, didn’t take the time to visit her - whether it be every day, week or month.
OP, you are not his priority, his dying mother is. Well done to him.

If I was the mother in this situation, unless the hospital said that it was The End I wouldn't want my family by my side every day if I didn't know they were there. They have their own lives to live

As a mum I wouldn't like my son to put his life on hold to visit me daily in an unconscious state. I think (if I imagine myself as the unconscious mum) a weekly visit is very sufficient. There has to be balance in all things and I would fear, if it were my son, he was avoiding living his life in some way. He will only get his 20s, 30s once. Live while you are young.

I agree with @Nanny0gg and @Winter2020 : I would so not want my child to visit so often and effectively put their life on

It's a sad situation, but his involvement within his family sounds OTT for a grown man with other commitments

I'm confused. She's been unconscious/in a coma for 3 years?? Is she likely to wake up??

It sounds like he's got stuck in a rut and can't work out what to do about the situation.

When someone like a parent suddenly becomes seriously ill, people rally, stay by the bedside, visit really frequently. You think it's all going to end imminently and you want to be there or feel you should be.

And then sometimes it doesn't end. They're still there and you feel like you've committed yourself to this and you keep going. I did a lot of visiting for someone expected to live a couple of weeks. It turned into twelve weeks. In his situation it's turned into years.

Is she at all aware of visitors? Is he going and doing something useful (chatting to her, playing music, collecting laundry, helping with washing, cutting nails type stuff?) or is he sitting next to her staring at his phone?! If she's in a coma, is stable (has this changed at all in these years?) and is not apparently aware of who is there why can't he talk to his family and split the week between them so they all go once? Visiting every day sounds excessive.

As a Mum I'd be horrified if my child was wasting her 20s visiting me in hospital everyday instead of getting on with her life.

As a mum i can assure you that I would be horrified to think my ds was abandoning his partner to come and stare at my unconscious body every single night. I would not be in the slightest bit pleased or proud. I'd be cross! And assuming my condition was progressive and terminal as Parkinson's is, I'd want him to start grieving, and not waste his life in limbo putting off the inevitable pain of losing his mum because he'd rather not face it.

It feels as though the whole family is in denial about the reality of his mother's situation - that she is unconscious and will in all likelihood remain so for the rest of her life. I wonder if they go in every day 'in case she wakes up'?

I am sure you would not be feeling like this if the mum was conscious and either newly ill or known not to have long to live. But if she were conscious and in a stable condition, as a pp suggests I'm sure she wouldn't want everyone (except perhaps her husband assuming he lives close by) visiting daily at the expense of their own lives. So her being unconscious makes it even more disproportionate in my view.

I think the problem for you here as pps have suggested is that this is a very enmeshed family, and I am not sure your partner is really committed to putting you first over the medium to long term. Which he should be if he is truly your life partner. Added to that his dad does not accept his relationship with you, I think this bodes badly for the future.

There are any number of threads on here from people struggling with their dps blind loyalty to their family of origin to the detriment of their chosen partner/spouse. Maybe have a read through some of them.

He needs to understand how this is making you feel. But I am.not that optimistic as I don't think fundamentally your priorities and expectations match..I must say I think his are the ones that are skewed, but, I am not sure he will want, or be able, to change them..

I suspect when his mum dies. His dad will need him to visit every day for some reason .
I don't see this ending when his mum dies .
I don't understand why you don't visit his parents and family
Do his parents know he is in a relationship with you ,you should be welcome in his home ..how will it work when you have children,if your not welcome in his home ..will he take the child to visit and leave you behind..
The issue is the mum is ill ,so you don't like to put demands on him ...but I'd put money on the fact ,that if mum wasn't ill there would be some reason for his to still visit every day ..
I think you have a difficult decision to make

You sound like you have been very understanding and flexible with him ..I'm not sure in your shoes I could of coped with not being prioritised

Reading the title I was ready to tell you how unreasonable you are. However with reading she's been in hospital 3 years (I didn't even realise was possible) yanbu if I was you I'd talk to my partner and come up with a compromise such as he has 2 hospital free nights a week to spend with you. Obviously if his mum deteriorates then that's different but why she's stable every night is to much

My mum was in a coma for three years before she died. My dad visited every day, unless he was persuaded to go away for the day. I didn't visit that often as I didn't live close by.

They say hearing is the last sense to go and I believe that my Mum could hear when we spoke to her.

It is a horrible experience and hard to explain how you feel. Be there to support your boyfriend

Yes this! Are you seriously going yo suggest he should visit his dying mother less to clean the bathroom. I don’t think you have compatible values.
you are jealous of a seriously ill person who is dying.

How are you going to have kids in the next 2 years? Pay a surrogate abroad?

After loosing my own mum this year I'd have ended any relationship if the person said I visit her too often!
You get one mum and you miss them when there gone .

This.

No.