Elderly parents abroad, only child, how to handle this

[Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo]

Mum and Dad now in their 80s, have lived abroad for the past 20 years. I live in the UK, married, no kids, busy and stressful job but I don't want to give it up. I can WFH most of the time but there are times when I absolutely have to be present. I'm self employed.

Parents were abusive during my childhood, mostly Dad, I now have CPTSD.

They are in reasonably good health still but their house (too big for them, rural) is an absolute pigsty - rotten food in the fridge, dust and dirt and general filth everywhere.

I fly over to see them around every 8-10 weeks and spend at least a day or more cleaning each time and it still isn't enough. Mum recently injured her arm so it's been worse. I'm currently staying with them. Mum cooks every day for Dad, her hygiene is appalling (e.g. raw chicken juice spraying everywhere, doesn't notice or care), I've cooked and cleaned since I've been here also having to work online.

Dad is completely dependent emotionally on Mum. I fear if Mum dies first (which is likely as she's older) he will kill himself. Mum fears the same. I don't know how long they can keep going in this house safely, with flying visits from me as and when I can. Also have to protect my mental health as after 5 nights max I have to get out of here.

They will not accept outside help (yet), so no cleaners or food deliveries etc. They are car dependent. Mum can't drive anymore.

I am not sure how to deal with this going forward. Doesn't help that the social care system is different here and I've been putting off engaging with it (though it may actually turn out to be better than in the UK).

I cannot move in with them or I will lose my mind. I basically have three options :

A. Stay living in the UK and carry on with flying visits, start engaging with social services, outside services etc. The downside : a lot of travelling and time away from home, and I never have enough time to sort everything that I think needs sorting.

B. Base myself in the capital city (they have a flat there which I can use) so I am nearer to hand for the inevitable crises, and WFH / travel to the UK for work when I need to. The downside : my marriage will end. But (long story) that may have to happen anyway.

C. Distance myself and let the whole thing fall. They don't ask for my help anyway, I just hate knowing they are living (albeit happily) in squalor and at some point fairly soon one of them will die and the other will need to move elsewhere. I know it sounds awful but it is an option.

I'm thinking it has to be A.
Moving to the capital makes it more likely I'll be drawn in and end up living with them.
I can't do C.
Writing this out has helped. Any thoughts much appreciated

Thanks so much everyone.

We are just back from lunch out locally. It was fairly pleasant, other than the usually stressiness of leaving the house, for some reason they both find this very hard. If they were 100% awful all the time C would be so much easier.
I noticed in the car (close proximity) that my Dad's personal hygiene is pretty bad too. Mum and went out in a filthy pair of trousers she's been wearing for days, but gets really offended if I mention it.

So, to reply to the main things people have said (and genuinely a huge thank you to everyone, this is really helping me think it through)

-B is legally possible as I have dual nationality, but I agree it is risky and best avoided. I'm self employed so can mostly work where I want, but over a set number of days a year I'd have to rearrange my tax status. I can't leave the UK completely work-wise, and wouldn't want to.

-I know I would benefit from therapy (if I can find the right person). I'm going to email around over the weekend.

-It's true they aren't asking for my help and will never change. Their domestic habits have always been fairly gross - it used to stress me out as a kid so no big surprise I can't stand being around it now. Cleaning for them is really for me, I get that.

-My husband is generally supportive (Mum and Dad think the sun shines out of his arse) but let me down badly last year - emotional affair - and I haven't got over it. M&D don't know, I don't give them information they could misuse.

My conclusion for now is A and C, with varying proportions depending on what I can face doing. B is tempting for many reasons but - no. Bad idea.

Nobody's awful all the time OP, so that's not saying much. If they aren't asking for help, don't seem appreciative, and weren't great parents, I'd echo other posters - stop going over so much, let them live as unhealthily as they wish, just don't cut them off entirely. My parents are getting older and have always lived in horrible conditions but I wouldn't dream of cleaning for them.

Another vote for C.

C because you are enabling their behaviour.

If you were not going back and forth they would need to accept that they need to put in place home support from social services and a cleaner.

They chose to move abroad, they are now choosing to ignore their loss of independence and instead expect you to 'commute' from another country to look after them. That's not sustainable.

The bit about your father wanting to kill himself if your mother dies sounds like emotional blackmail to me as well.

Honestly it looks like you have been raised to put up with poor behaviour from them and to be at their beck and call even if they failed you as parents when you were growing up.

Time to put some boundaries in place. Tell them that you can no longer travel that often and that they will need to arrange for home support.

Contact the country's social services and ask them to get in touch with your parents and tell them clearly that they are not coping and you are unable to provide any support.

And live your own life.

I hope you have therapy and put yourself first. They’ve chosen this life and there will come a point when they need to accept care or support; you’re helping to prop them up but it doesn’t sound sustainable. There will be a crisis and it’s not your job to support them in an unsuitable home in another country.
What do you want for your life? Don’t give up your marriage for your parents.

@kiwiane good advice

I have parents in a similar situation abroad, so can tell you what I did - although they were loving, and if abusive you could just go NC to be honest.

• moved them into the city flat, sold the rural place
• got added to their bank account
• got Power of Attorney (important to do this anyway)
• said I wasn’t cleaning anymore and arranged a fortnightly cleaner, paid by their bank account
• Arranged occasional Meals on wheels (though they then stopped it in defiance)
• As health declined also arranged a daily carer to help with washing/dressing/ medication etc

Finally, I did have to find and arrange a Care Home when things got very bad. Dad deteriorated very rapidly in the end, Mum is still in the home and taken care of there.

All of these amenities were available for a quarter of the UK cost .
They were defiant but I just did it anyway! On some level they knew they needed some help so adapted.

Just to add, I did have to make their local Social Services aware of them in order to arrange the Meals on Wherls, but this was actually really helpful. Once they’ve been made aware, they will do an assessment and are required to check on them etc so worth looking into
We also then found about many things on offer like free taxi services etc for the elderly

Option C every time. If you have Catholic guilt, I assume that your parents are Catholics too? Where is their Catholic guilt about the way they treated their own daughter? Your childhood was ruined by them, don't let them continue to ruin your life. They completely failed you so you owe them nothing.

C.

They can and must help themselves.

Or D. They have 2 homes and have chosen to live away from you. Souse their money to have the practical help they need!

Thank you @EdgarAllenRaven that is a really helpful list.

Looks like my first steps are POA and getting in touch with social services - I have no rights over the house and can't sell it from under them, unfortunately the flat is too small for the pair of them and no garden which my Dad hates.

But I take on board the point that you just have to do things and they will adapt.

Money is not a big issue - they are not rich by any means but social care is much cheaper/free here.

I wish it were as simple as feeling they had messed up my childhood (which they did, and the knock-on effects are still there) so they don't "deserve" my care now and I can just do 100% option C. I don't feel that way though as much as I try. And as much as they drive me up the wall I couldn't live with myself if I left them to it completely. Yes, they were shite parents but/and they both had their own debilitating traumas to live through. They shouldn't have had kids I suppose. Anyway - I am actively looking for a therapist now and hope that will help.

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate your thoughts.