Elderly parents abroad, only child, how to handle this

[Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo]

Mum and Dad now in their 80s, have lived abroad for the past 20 years. I live in the UK, married, no kids, busy and stressful job but I don't want to give it up. I can WFH most of the time but there are times when I absolutely have to be present. I'm self employed.

Parents were abusive during my childhood, mostly Dad, I now have CPTSD.

They are in reasonably good health still but their house (too big for them, rural) is an absolute pigsty - rotten food in the fridge, dust and dirt and general filth everywhere.

I fly over to see them around every 8-10 weeks and spend at least a day or more cleaning each time and it still isn't enough. Mum recently injured her arm so it's been worse. I'm currently staying with them. Mum cooks every day for Dad, her hygiene is appalling (e.g. raw chicken juice spraying everywhere, doesn't notice or care), I've cooked and cleaned since I've been here also having to work online.

Dad is completely dependent emotionally on Mum. I fear if Mum dies first (which is likely as she's older) he will kill himself. Mum fears the same. I don't know how long they can keep going in this house safely, with flying visits from me as and when I can. Also have to protect my mental health as after 5 nights max I have to get out of here.

They will not accept outside help (yet), so no cleaners or food deliveries etc. They are car dependent. Mum can't drive anymore.

I am not sure how to deal with this going forward. Doesn't help that the social care system is different here and I've been putting off engaging with it (though it may actually turn out to be better than in the UK).

I cannot move in with them or I will lose my mind. I basically have three options :

A. Stay living in the UK and carry on with flying visits, start engaging with social services, outside services etc. The downside : a lot of travelling and time away from home, and I never have enough time to sort everything that I think needs sorting.

B. Base myself in the capital city (they have a flat there which I can use) so I am nearer to hand for the inevitable crises, and WFH / travel to the UK for work when I need to. The downside : my marriage will end. But (long story) that may have to happen anyway.

C. Distance myself and let the whole thing fall. They don't ask for my help anyway, I just hate knowing they are living (albeit happily) in squalor and at some point fairly soon one of them will die and the other will need to move elsewhere. I know it sounds awful but it is an option.

I'm thinking it has to be A.
Moving to the capital makes it more likely I'll be drawn in and end up living with them.
I can't do C.
Writing this out has helped. Any thoughts much appreciated

C.

They weren't good parents to you.
They are chose to retire to a different country.
They don't ask for your help.
They refuse to help themselves even though the issues are obvious to them.

And most importantly they are still so horrid that you can't tolerate them for five days.

Is the capital city somewhere you’d like to live? If your marriage is dying anyway it could be the perfect solution. How far is it from their main home? As you’re aware of the potential to pulled there permanently and have recognised the risks- you’re less likely to succumb.

Please put yourself first (they never put you first and will not do that now either) and choose C. Or as close to that as you can manage. You are not responsible for them or their situation. What kind of toll is this taking on your mental health and wellbeing?

@AnnaMagnani

Thanks. I can see that I would be justified in doing C. I just can't, because of Mum. She wasn't a great parent either and enabled Dad but I can't do it to her.

C.

honestly this your conditioning as a child that makes you feel responsible for them. You aren’t. They are making their own choices as grown adults. Don’t infantilise them - you may not think the choices are right, but it doesn’t remove their right to make them.

they didn’t even give you a happy childhood for you to want to do this for them so why are you? Genuinely I think you need to step back and recognise that guilt is the only thing making you do this and you are sacrificing your life for them.

C with a dash of A.

They very obviously would benefit from a cleaner, more help etc (and you haven't mentioned that they can't afford it). I would stay engaged to the point that you stay in contact and keep suggesting these things.

Which voices are in your head telling you that you can't detach yourself more?

thanks @Lamelie yes, I like the city and in many ways it would be ideal - only a couple of hours from them. But I would be detaching from my UK life (such as it is) and fear the isolation. I'm not sure whether my marriage will end anyway. It probably should.

You can do a combination of A and C. Visit less often, insist they hire a cleaner / home help, and tell them if they don't you won't come running to pick up the pieces.

Tell them very plainly that they are making your life very difficult and being selfish and stupid by not taking reasonable steps to get help.

Tell them that their notion that they are living independently is bullshit, because it is YOU who is having to facilitate that and they are actually not capable of living independently without help.

Read them the riot act and take no prisoners.

I ended my relationship AND cut of toxic family. Highly recommended. Do you have support? Are you in therapy? It was a long road for me, but I have no regrets.

@Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo awful situation really feel for you. You will get lots of sensible advice and help on here. It might be that no one option is the solution it might be a bit of everything. Would they consider returning to the UK then you could get some sort of routine in place?

Option A, but cutting down your visits to maybe every 3 months. If you engage with local social services you may not feel you need to be there so often anyway. You say they are happy there, so no need to feel guilty about going less often.

C

For a couple of reasons:

1. they were awful to you. Abusive father, mother who stood by and let it happen.

1. You say they're happy living as they are. Leave them to it. Otherwise you're just going in and imposing yourself and your idea of how they should live.

I'd think about getting some counselling to talk this through. Wishing you the best - you're entitled and allowed to live your own life and not set yourself up as a carer.

I vote C as well.

If my mother had watched while another person abused me, I would consider her worth less than a slug. If said slug decided to go and live far away, I'd be relieved never to see her again, far less help her.

The exception would be if she had since realised what she had done to me, been hugely and genuinely remorseful, and left the revolting abuser and never spoken to him again.
Then if me and her could build a positive relationship moving forward, and she moved back to my area in the UK, I would help her with some things depending on what spare time I had.

If you cannot see this, it's because you are still mired in the effects of abuse. I hope you can get the help you need.

thank you so much everyone. I wasn't expecting so many responses - all really helpful.

@PermanentTemporary C with a dash of A actually sounds good to me.

The anti-C voices are probably my grandmother's (Mum's mum) who I loved. However Mum wasn't there for her when she was elderly, so...Also Catholic guilt.

@Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo @HellonHeels makes a really excellent point about imposing on them. I reflect on what we as family have tried to ‘help’ our parents with over the years and lots of things were incredibly sensible and practical for all involved. Only our parents with a very rigid view of life and somewhat odd ways just refused to engage - on reflection we were imposing even though it was from a good place. I will leave this here for you https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

To everyone who's asked - I'm not in therapy at the moment, have tried before without much progress. I will try again though.

You don’t need to make a final decision. A and C aren’t distinct - you can do A with more C (go less often, don’t do things unless asked), or C with a dash of A (hardly visit at all, but don’t cut them out entirely).

it seems to me you need to be upping the C quotient! And that B would be a difficult and risky choice.

it doesn’t sound as if the situation is very stable so maybe no need for big decisions, just tweaks.

C Tbh. You can choose A and run yourself ragged for the next decade or so for abusive people with no thanks or appreciation. Or you could have your own life. I’m not particularly self sacrificing though, it may be the lack of catholic guilt.

@BlueLegume thank you - I've heard of FOG and am almost certainly in it ..Will read that , thanks.

I can see I'm imposing on them too, to some extent.

C with occasional visits.

THEY chose to move abroad, they are choosing not to get help. It’s what they want. You don’t need to feel guilty about their choices.

If you were the one who had moved it would be very different, but it wasn’t!

If it makes you feel better perhaps think of it as mumsnet saying you aren’t allowed to do B!! That would be very wrong and I can’t imagine it’s what your grandmother would have wanted.

thanks @Leavesontheroad yes I agree- desperately want a definitive answer or plan but that probably isn't available.

B does feel difficult and risky to me deep down. So perhaps best not ignore that feeling.

@Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo there is some great information rather than advice on the website and the glossary is quite an eye opener. One thing I learned from the site was that guilt is an emotion we may feel but that does not mean we are guilty, and a little guilt is better than a lot of resentment.

C. C. C. C. C.

They are adults. They seem capable of making decisions for themselves, so let them.

Are they bad decisions - probably, but they are allowed to make bad decisions.

Why are you letting their bad decisions affect you?

You are running around trying to undo their bad decisions - this is pointless.

Leave them to it.

Definitely c, if they will not accept any help or have anyone in then there is nothing you can do. Alert social services for whatever country they are in. I know its tough but you need to look after yourself first. Can't keep pouring from an empty cup x

Would they consider moving to their flat? Easier to manage and probably easier for you to travel to?
If not then I'd mainly C with a dash of A.