Elderly parents abroad, only child, how to handle this

[Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo]

Mum and Dad now in their 80s, have lived abroad for the past 20 years. I live in the UK, married, no kids, busy and stressful job but I don't want to give it up. I can WFH most of the time but there are times when I absolutely have to be present. I'm self employed.

Parents were abusive during my childhood, mostly Dad, I now have CPTSD.

They are in reasonably good health still but their house (too big for them, rural) is an absolute pigsty - rotten food in the fridge, dust and dirt and general filth everywhere.

I fly over to see them around every 8-10 weeks and spend at least a day or more cleaning each time and it still isn't enough. Mum recently injured her arm so it's been worse. I'm currently staying with them. Mum cooks every day for Dad, her hygiene is appalling (e.g. raw chicken juice spraying everywhere, doesn't notice or care), I've cooked and cleaned since I've been here also having to work online.

Dad is completely dependent emotionally on Mum. I fear if Mum dies first (which is likely as she's older) he will kill himself. Mum fears the same. I don't know how long they can keep going in this house safely, with flying visits from me as and when I can. Also have to protect my mental health as after 5 nights max I have to get out of here.

They will not accept outside help (yet), so no cleaners or food deliveries etc. They are car dependent. Mum can't drive anymore.

I am not sure how to deal with this going forward. Doesn't help that the social care system is different here and I've been putting off engaging with it (though it may actually turn out to be better than in the UK).

I cannot move in with them or I will lose my mind. I basically have three options :

A. Stay living in the UK and carry on with flying visits, start engaging with social services, outside services etc. The downside : a lot of travelling and time away from home, and I never have enough time to sort everything that I think needs sorting.

B. Base myself in the capital city (they have a flat there which I can use) so I am nearer to hand for the inevitable crises, and WFH / travel to the UK for work when I need to. The downside : my marriage will end. But (long story) that may have to happen anyway.

C. Distance myself and let the whole thing fall. They don't ask for my help anyway, I just hate knowing they are living (albeit happily) in squalor and at some point fairly soon one of them will die and the other will need to move elsewhere. I know it sounds awful but it is an option.

I'm thinking it has to be A.
Moving to the capital makes it more likely I'll be drawn in and end up living with them.
I can't do C.
Writing this out has helped. Any thoughts much appreciated

I was just about to say the same.

C!!! Boundaries OP, you're not their parent. Seriously those suggesting anything else that's ridiculous. C C C!!!!!!

Where do you feel your roots are? Where are you happiest living? In this other country’s capital city or the UK? You need to think about your own life and happiness and then work around that. You’ll be no help to anyone if you get depressed. You need support too

When you visit, could you arrange for a cleaning company to come and do the cleaning so you are less tired, the place still gets cleaned and you can do something else with the time?

I am sorry things are so difficult for you atm.

If your marriage is on the possible blink, you need your friends around you, and a thriving business . Not isolation in a new city at the service of your unreasonable parents.

They moved abroad without plans for this stage of their lives. They failed to downsize before the house got too much. They failed to take measures to engage help (if they haven’t got the cash now downsizing or selling the flat could presumably liberate enough funds for cleaner / gardener / housekeeping help)

I would have a go at A, with C as your contingency. And explain to them that as their needs become higher you cannot increase your time or visits with them because of business. And maybe have an ‘emergency’ (‘catch Covid’ ???) that means there is an elongated gap that demonstrates to them how they struggle without you.

I understand the responsibility you feel (been there…) but they have neglected their own responsibilities. They could plan to swan off for an active retirement in the sun (presumably) but couldn’t plan to take care of themselves?

Good Luck OP.

Also, WRT your marriage: that needs dealing with, in whatever direction, on its own terms. Not jettisoned or neglected because you are turning your attention to something you don’t want to do.

If you want to save your marriage you need maximum time and emotional capacity to focus on it. If you don’t, or have no choice, you need maximum focus on yourself.

Do you have children?

This.

Do not do B. The emotional toil will be too great.

Hi, OP, I'm in a very similar situation.
The set up is almost identical, only father died 15 years ago, which leaves my (malignant narcissist)
82 yo mother in another country.
You do nothing!
You put yourself first and that's that.
Live your own life, which belongs to you (and you haven't asked for it, anyway)!
Some people shouldn't become parents.
🍀 Don't sweat it.

Another vote for C, but with some additional thoughts to all the very good advice that you are getting above.

One that this kind of squalor/borderline hoarding is not going to change in people their age. So if you move closer, you are signing yourself up to years of disgusting cleaning. Is this what you want for your life now? Is this what you owe them? I suspect not.

The second is that these kind of elderly people (there's a name, Diogenes syndrome) are incredibly stubborn and three times more likely to die if they go into hospital. They want to be independent at any cost. I think this is what they are telling you in talking about your father and suicide. To some degree you have to respect those choices. Which in a way makes things easier.

The other is to have a think about EMDR as therapy for the CPTSD. I have done all sorts of therapies before, which have helped, but this was a total game changer for me and I cannot recommend it too highly. Perhaps do this before you take any final decisions.

Also, you don't have to decide anything now. Perhaps wait until a crisis comes. This is what we did with my mother (a similar mix of squalor and stubbornness) and although it's difficult, I think it's actually easier than any of your choices.

Well, I'm currently doing C and I love my parents. I had a happy childhood and I live close by.

But they're my parents, not my kids (it helps that I'm child free and loathe responsibility for others). They're adults. They make their choices. I'm their daughter, not their carer or cleaner. Their house is dirty - I don't have to tell them that. I also don't have to tell them that they could spend their carers allowance on help if they wanted to. Up to them.

If your marriage is ending and the city is a nice place to live I’d actually go for B. Build a new life for yourself completely and in between go to your parents say twice a week to cook and clean. If that was me I’d tolerate doing that for them and enjoy my new life.

Another vote for something resembling C here, from someone who also dealt with abuse in childhood. The bottom line is that you can do C. It's an option. It's not an easy option in some ways, because emotionally it would obviously be painful, but there are worse things to deal with than guilt. And that's all it is. A bit of guilt.

You matter too, OP, and your health matters, and your life going forward, including your life after they've both died.

It might be worth posting on the stately homes thread.

I've also recently being having CBT and EMDR which I've found helpful, so another vote for that.

I bet you are financing the travel to and fro ?
Tell them you cannot afford to be coming over so much and, a reality check , is they cannot let their home fall to rack & ruin between your visits . They must get outside help because you won't be over as much .
Then do that , take a long break of not going over there , and when you do , tidy / clean minimally .
You have fallen in the trap of swooping in , sorting out , and they know they don't have to maintain the place because you are coming out to do it .
Why can't they sell up and move into their city flat ?

Immigration rules for many countries have changed enormously over the past 20 years - do you know for certain whether you’d even be able to move to your parents’ country on a permanent basis? You may find that A and B are impossible for you.

@GoldMoon makes a great point @Hatandcoatandhymnbooktoo Essentially you are ( and I mean this kindly ) enabling their behaviour. I think we all want a one size fits all solution for elderly people to try and help them and help ourselves navigate the consequences of having wandered blindly into very old age. It starts with a bit of light housework, bit of shopping then you find yourself there for a full day . Do take care - your marriage situation in itself is a huge issue for you even if you have managed to put it on a back burner.

C. With a hint of A on your terms. They don’t deserve your time, aren't asking for it, and you will likely make yourself ill if you are not careful. Ditch the guilt, seriously.

This is such a difficult situation for you. I really feel for you.

I think engaging with local social services is vital, whatever else you decide to do.

With your marriage also sounding shaky I think you need some self preservation. Looking after yourself and your business are vital.

TBH first look at whether anything you're doing makes a difference.
Does it really help that they're only living in squalor 95% of the time instead of 100%?
Just saying, at least save your resources for things that make a real and persistent difference. Which may be much less than what you're doing now.

Agree with @MysterOfwomanY

Yes the house is squalid.
Yes the fridge is full of out of date/rotting food
Yes the kitchen is coated with a film of raw chicken

However it's been like that for years and hasn't made either of them unwell.
They like living like that.

If they don't want to change you can't make them.

What does your husband think ? Does he also have elderly parents ? I think you need to continue as you are now but include some outside help , if they won’t take outside help then you have to accept that the problem is of their own making and stick to the current visiting regime .

This

C. And therapy (which may have the bonus of helping you decide about your marriage as well as sorting out the aftermath of your childhood).

They haven't earned your help. And you've not said anything that indicates they want your help - which means it isn't actually help.

So, C.

If you really, really can't do C (yet) then A but cut way back.

Not, under any circumstances, B.

As well as being a terrible idea, B may not be legally possible. You'd almost certainly need a working visa.

Setting everything else aside do you have a right to live wherever your parents live as well as the right to work? Will your UK employer allow you to work outside the UK as it has tax implications for them? WFH is not the same as work from anywhere and many employers don't allow cross boarder working.