Talking to parents about their death & wishes

[Oohitscoldoutside]

I'm not sure mine count as elderly but I didn't know where else to post.

How do you start the conversation of their wishes?

I'm 29, an only child and I just can't bring myself to do it, my mum (61) & dad (67) keep messaging me about flying out so I can visit their friends, see their home...etc and so she can give me a copy of their will. I don't want to even think about it and can't without crying.

If they die abroad, where do I begin (they live in Spain, myself England).
My DF has recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and has been struggling with the medication, my DM has some heart issues.

Where do I start?
How do I have that conversation?
What if they want to be buried and I want their ashes? I don't want to argue with what they want but also, as my dad says "when I'm dead, my body no longer matters" so do I put my own wants first, but then I feel like I'm disrespectful of their wishes.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this but I have no one.

My wife is very unwell in hospital. Before she became ill we made an appointment for us to see a solicitor and write our wills.
I had a long phone conversation with my daughter yesterday telling her exactly how much I was leaving to various people. It really helped me.
Talk to your parents for their sake.

I am sorry to read that you feel as you do. It is not just your parents who should be making a will, you should make one too, especially if you are a homeowner. Your parents are doing the right thing, not having a will when the day comes makes things more complicated at a time of grief.

As for burial or cremation, whether to have a funeral service in a church, these are wishes you should respect in my opinion.

Kindly, OP, you need to pull up your big girl pants and have this discussion with your parents. I’m the same age as them and I’ve been talking about these things with my DC for a while now - not because I think I’m going to go any time soon (and I hope your parents won’t either) but the reality is that we’re all going to die one day and trust me, the time to think about these things is not when someone has gone. It makes it so much easier for everyone if you - and they - can talk about what should happen, where all the important documents are etc etc…. For everyone’s peace of mind, it’s a matter of fact issue that needs to be talked about in good time.

Realistically, they've got an excellent chance of another two decades & more, & plenty of time to sort out their own funeral arrangements.

I'm in my 50s, live overseas, & if I pop off here I'd like to be buried without undue fuss in the local cemetery. If I happen to be visiting the UK, I'll be happy with cremation & couldn't give a scooby what happens to my ashes.

I'd mostly just like to avoid my frozen carcass being freighted across an ocean - wherever I drop, just do the local thing, with the least fuss.

I'd be annoyed if I thought my grown kids were going to ignore my wishes.

Not much I could do about it, obviously, unless I haunted them, but I can't actually imagine them thinking 'well I wanted to celebrate my mother by building her into the rockery/firing her into space/wearing her ashes in a locket, so screw the fact that she made it perfectly clear that she'd prefer to be quietly mouldering in a mango farm in Cairo'.

So YABU a bit.

You do sound a bit anxious about the whole thing - they'll probably be with you for years yet.

I hear you OP. It's tough to talk about the end with anyone you love. My DH died v. recently at 57. He had been fighting cancer for several years but we still didn't think the end would come so soon or so quickly - 4 weeks! We only just barely managed to organise a will for him to sign whilst he was in hospice! The solicitors had to make a bedside visit!

If your parents have organised wills which are valid both in Spain and in UK, be grateful. Sorting out an estate, even a 'simple' one, is pretty complicated so let them tell you as much as they want. This way, when the time comes (ideally a long time from now), you'll have an idea what you're facing in terms of accounts, property, belongings, pets. If you're feeling squeamish, I understand, but ask them to request that their solicitor brief you? Get to know their solicitor so that s/he can help you.

Most solicitors also keep with the will a 'letter of wishes' this is NOT legally binding but can be very helpful. Encourage your parents to write these so that you know their thoughts. They could copy you or ask the solicitor to send you a copy.

When my DH reached the very end, he was too upset to talk about wishes and I realised that, as well as I knew him, I wasn't completely sure what he would have wanted at his funeral. He was able to choke out 2 important ideas and I had to decide the remainder.

In the short/med term, it sounds like your parents have a good few years ahead of them so go ahead and start chatting casually. Maybe start with a funeral in a TV show - ask their opinions, just like you would about a wedding.

Op its a difficult conversation to have. However I'm an only child and I would rather know my parents final wishes than guess. My dad is nearly 80 and we sat down with a cuppa and talked about it. Yes it breaks my heart but I want to do the right thing for him

Have the conversation, you’ll be really glad you did if it ever happens. Them giving you a copy of their will is a great opportunity to find out what their wishes are.

If you think their wishes don’t line up with your preferences I would talk to them about it. They might have strong opinions that are really important to them but they might be happy to take your wishes into account. I would want to leave my children with the option to do whatever they felt would be better for them.

I'm 66.
I've paid for my funeral.
It's all in a folder... from songs to my wishes.
All my daughters have to do is ring a number and everything is sorted except registering my death..
My Mum did the same for us her kids.
My will is sorted.. they know what's in it.
Now we don't really mention anything.. unless in a jokey way.. like if l buy myself a nice ornament or something.. they will say.." l bags that when you die" and we do laugh.

If they are fit and well and only in their 60s, they probably don't want to talk about it.

If they have made wills they have already done a lot more than most people their age.

Probably the best way is to bring it up casually to generally get the gist of what their ideas are - for example if you are watching TV together you could make a comment about what you would want if you were seriously ill like a TV character, have they thought about what they would do? And so on.

Having just helped DD with her DH, my ex but we remained on good terms, I’d gently bring the subject up and on a visit. Jokingly for starters and see how they react. I am still sprightly and a decade before pension age but I am resolve to do some regular Swedish death cleaning. One thing I will definitely do is suggestions for music/readings as choosing those and discussion took a seemingly long time but once the service was in place other stuff began to take shape much more easily.
Obviously your choice in the end but knowing where paperwork is, an address book and some indication would have been v useful

I'd bring it up along the lines of either

I've been thinking about my will and arrangements I'd like made in the event I die. That made me wonder what yours were. Not that I want to die or want you to die. I'm just getting organised. Not sure how to start. Any advice?

Or mention a friend whose made their arrangements.

My parents are in their 70s. They aren't in the best of health. They've sorted out everything, as a PP has, and it's all in a folder for my brother & I to find. I know the basics of what they want, and I'm fine with it. It's just the next stepping stone, in my view. We are not religious, we don't believe in an afterlife, or any of that. My parents have always been practical people! Maybe my age has its advantages OP. My views on the matter have certainly evolved over time.

Or of interest (as the mother of an only child) why do you feel you have nobody to talk to about this? I understand that you don’t have a sibling, but would a conversation with a friend or partner not be helpful? Indeed perhaps more helpful as they are more emotionally detached from your parents so can offer objective advice, and might say how they approached (or plan to approach) the issue with their own parents and it gives you a wider range of perspectives.

For what it’s worth, it sounds like your parents are trying to bring up the subject by mentioning their wills. It seems like it would be very easy to go to visit them, listen when they tell you about the wills and then say “have you thought about what you’d like to happen when you die”. Believe me, unless they are completely self-absorbed they will be WELL aware of the burden on you as their only child and probably want to do what they can to make things easier for you. Don’t forget that the fact that they will die one day and you will have to deal with that emotionally is something that every child has to deal with, not just only children. My Dad had been dead 4 years by the time I was your age (sudden illness in his fifties) so you’re already doing better than I did. My mother died ten years ago, in her mid sixties. They were very sad times but the grief does become manageable eventually.

What I am trying to say is that there is no point getting upset just thinking or talking about it now when they are still hale and hearty because even when it actually happens it is not as bad as you might fear. And talking about it won’t make it happen any sooner.

It sounds like they do want to talk about it if they're mentioning wills? Everyone should have a will and it's a good idea to talk about all of this. Maybe make your own at the same time. I lost a parent a lot younger than you and younger than your parents are now. It helped a lot knowing I was carrying out their wishes.

I don't see that being an only child means you don't have anyone to talk to about it. My sibling is about the only person I haven't talked to about it...

Look up your local death cafe. It sounds really morbid but they are organised locally to bring people together to talk about their hopes, fears about death and all of this related stuff, alongside tea and cake. I was worried about going beforehand but it was an empowering experience.

You're completely right. I'm a mother of two myself and as a grown woman I should be able to do this. I just can't help but cry every time it's brought up. I don't want to think about it. My dad is very much a joker and will drop his wishes into random conversations, for example telling me about planting his lemon trees and adding he wants to be buried like a lemon tree, that kind of thing, usually making a slightly inappropriate joke at the same time.

My mother is much more serious about the matter and starts crying when she brings up their deaths which sets me off.

I think what terrifies me is them living abroad, I don't speak Spanish, I haven't in 15 years and doubt I could relearn now. Also if they died abroad or wanted their bodies to remain there, I feel it would be mentally exhausting to organise with the Spanish laws, language and their difference systems.

I actually do have siblings (I was adopted as a newborn). Difference is we're not really in contact and all my siblings have parents in their early 50s. Even my partners mum, he's 34, she's only 50. Actually I could talk to her about it I think. I'll give it a go.

As a previous poster pointed out, I just need to do it, the task isn't going away no matter how long I put it off.

I have never had a direct conversation with either of my parents. However, I am confident I know their wishes as it has come up peripherally in other conversations over the years. I was utterly certian my Dad didn't want any extreme measures taken and could convey that to the doctors - although to be fair I think they were being kind and we were beyond that. He often joked about it but was really very serious. My Mum is now very elderly and has expressed her opinions about other people's deaths and funerals several times which gives all I need to know. Just listen.

And no your parents aren't elderly. It is good that they are getting wills sorted but a very sensible thing they should do now is sort power of attorny. Then hopefully you can all forget about it for many years. Treat it as paperwork

My parents and I had this conversation years ago and I had it with DD aged 10 on what she would want. You never know what age you may go.

We're all organ doners, don't want a fuss and my parents and I have prepaid no frills cremations paid up with Co-op funerals. None of us would want extreme measure to be taken if it meant a drastic loss of quality of life.

Living in Spain complicates things a bit but it's really not a terrible convo to have particularly if they are passing on a will it's the perfect time. Do you have your own will and wishes set out?

I wish we had known my mum's wishes when she died. Made a terrible situation even harder because we were starting from scratch.

This is so hard but please have the conversation. It will give them peace of mind and honestly, when the time comes you will be grateful they have made decisions and you don't have to x

I've had the conversation with my mum. She's not 60 yet. It was hard. But it's important to know their wishes before it's too late.

I'm 58 and wouldn't mind it if my children asked me questions. As it is I try to tell them and they just go 'mum you'll be around for yonks'.

You will manage. People do.

Have you ever talked to them about how they dealt with losing their own parents? Remember, what you're scared about - they might well have already gone through.

If not, see if you can talk to someone older who has dealt with it. As you say, your partner's mum is about the right age.
DH lost his Dad when he was about 30 and his older colleagues, who had already been through this themselves, were supportive in both emotional and practical senses and gave good advice.

It is vital to do this. Believe me, when you are grieving you want those decisions already made.
My adult dc took his life 3 weeks ago. He left a will and funeral wishes. This has been a godsend as there could have been conflict about burial v cremation.
I have to update my Will and POA now, which I am doing next month.