To go low contact with ailing parents....

[WhatColourIsThatBalloon]

The situation with my parents reached a point last week where my dad was put in a respite care home after mum called 999 after an argument (there was no threat of violence on his part but just stuck on a loop about something and she was reaching breaking point).

Social worker deemed him to have lost capacity and his medication was adjusted as his medical team thought that the existing meds he was taking were not helping. The plan was to transition him to new medication which would help with anxiety, get a care plan in place for when he came home. At the same time she would have a mental health assessment.

This was all fairly dramatic - hours and hours of on the phone to them, to care/medical professionals trying to work out what was going on, trying to put a care plan in place for them.

Against all advice they walked out of the care home yesterday after him being on the new meds for one day, her still not having had her assessment/treatment plan. No care package in place. The cycle will repeat, I'm sure of it and we will be back here in a few weeks.

I just want to take a huge step back from things now. The situation has been so, so stressful. I was trying to prepare for my little son's birthday celebration while taking calls from them both as well as care workers on Saturday. I have a medical procedure coming up on Friday that she knows about (or should if she has listened to me at all, he doesn't care/wouldn't remember anyway). I've been snappy with my partner, less patient with my child. Found myself shouting at them yesterday which felt horrible but I was at the end of my rope.

They are so absolutely absorbed in their world, every conversation is about them. I come away from most interactions with them sad and stressed/angry. Its awful just to watch this slow car crash and keep trying to help, the emotional load of it, only for it to be thrown in your face - she said we (me/care team) were bullying them yesterday. These are people that growing up were incapable of being there for me emotionally, it was all about their depression, their marriage problems, it went on and on until they asked me to leave at 17.

AIBU to be go low contact? How would you approach this? I want to help but I can't let it keep impacting on my life.

If useful this is my last post: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5188622-where-the-fk-to-start-with-this

@WhatColourIsThatBalloon you have taken the step to post so I think you know low contact time has now come. As ever loads of great people on here so please vent away.

Step away.

They don't want your help. They don't want anything a more stable person would recognise as help, or would recognise as a good way to live. You cannot help them. You cannot turn them into the parents you want and deserve.

What you can do is protect your family - your child, your marriage - from their poison. Do that by stepping away.

Get some counselling if you can - paying someone to listen to you venting is very cathartic, and may help you come to terms with your FOG and grief.

@WhatColourIsThatBalloon some great hints tips and explanations on here which might help outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Yes - step away and drop the rope. You cannot help people that do not want to be helped. Back away for the sake of your mental health and family.

Be strong in the face of bullying social workers as that will be your next hurdle. They will call when one of your parents has fallen or had a medical incident that causes them to go to hospital and expect you to step in and help - this is time to be very strong and say no - and keep saying it.

Ring the social worker and tell them you aren't in a position to help, we hear it all the time.

YANBU OP and in a way it’s the right thing to do. Having you in the middle of it desperately trying to hold it all together just delays/ waters down the correct interventions, and breaks you. ‘Family rallies round’ is a massive hurdle to correct and full care. Do not break yourself just so the professionals can walk away.

Be strong in the face of bullying social workers as that will be your next hurdle. They will call when one of your parents has fallen or had a medical incident that causes them to go to hospital and expect you to step in and help - this is time to be very strong and say no - and keep saying it.

’sorry no, I can’t’ is enough, you do not have to explain or justify why, then ‘sorry, I have to go’ and hang up. Do not start doing more than you’re happy to do indefinitely. It’s easier to say no earlier on, please look after yourself.

They won't listen to you, they want everything on their terms and they gave you a shit childhood. Back away from them, either low contact or no contact, whichever feels best to you.

Bless you; I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's not your fault and you are not a bad person. I echo what the other posters have said.

As hard as it is, drop the rope and go low/no contact before you are dragged beneath the waves by them. However much you do, they will always want/need more and it will never be good enough. Your little boy needs you and he (and you) and his wellbeing have to come first. It's a cliche but true - you cannot set yourself on fire and be consumed by the flames purely in order to keep another person warm.

They asked you to leave at 17. Stay left.

Very best wishes to you and your DS. 💐x

Everyone here is saying you're doing the right thing and I think you're doing the right thing too.

You've done everything you can to help and they have ignored the help and the plan and just taken themselves home. Presumably they think any mess they create now will just be taken care of by you!

They didn't give a damn about you before, you owe them nothing.

After them walking out of the care home I would now go no contact rather than low contact.

Nothing to add other than big big hugs!

Do it. Go lowest contact. Same situation here. Abusive childhood made to leave at 16 and fend for myself and now endless problems and psychological manipulation.
I've moved hundreds of miles away and have barely any contact. My life has improved 100%.

Thank you all for replying. I needed a few voices to shore up what I was already thinking.

Low contact feels right - there were good aspects to my childhood as well, they were not complete narcissists. They cared and tried in as far as they could but they were incapable of going the extra emotional mile to support me with dad checking out from family life as lot of the time. And they have helped financially over the years in a way I can not deny has made my life more stable, and I'll admit that makes balancing my contact with them tougher. But non-the-less the the emotionally troubling parts were bad, I spent a lot of time crying and scared, I lied a lot as a child as I knew that who I was wasn't always acceptable or safe to be around them. And I don't want to keep being drawn into their turmoil further as they age and deteriorate. They are actually still relatively young in terms of elderly parents.

This really resonated for me @olderbutwiser

They don't want your help. They don't want anything a more stable person would recognise as help, or would recognise as a good way to live. You cannot help them. You cannot turn them into the parents you want and deserve.

So for me now, its about working out what level of low contact feels comfortable and also to find some emotional detachment. Counselling could help with that and understanding more about FOG.

Thank you for posting this OP.

Sending you virtual hugs and letting you know you are not alone. There's a lot of us out there with nightmare parent(s).

Definitely do what is right for you and your family.

I have a mum and sibling with many many similar issues. Mum has cancer and is now refusing treatment so will die some point in the next 6-12 months. I'm dreading the hospital phoning and trying to force me to move in with her or her with me. My family (DM and sibling) have tried for years to split me and DH (every tactic possible used). DH sees through all their nonsense. I will need to make it very clear that the NHS / social services will have to sort things as me destroying my marriage and mental health isn't going to happen.

I too suffer from huge amount of FOG. It took me until middle age to realise (from counselling sessions) that it wasn't my fault and that nothing I could ever do would make my mum love me. My sibling is the golden child. I'm scapegoat and emotional punchbag for both of them.

Nothing is every good enough for my mum. Every medical issue is a disaster and she's dying. This time she is actually dying but having been told this countless times over the last 30 years I'm almost like so what! Suggestions to do things to help her situation (moved house to a more sensible place for getting old, clear up the hoarding or stuff that should have been binned decades back, do some exercise etc) over the years have been ignored. It's almost like she just wants to moan all the time.

Phone calls leave me totally drained by the constant negativity. Visits impact me for weeks before and after. My boss noticed after the last visited as I was clearly emotionally messed up.

Best thing I've done is to move 4 hours away from my family.

I've not gone no contact but have cut down contact a lot to preserve my own mental health.