VERY FED UP

[rk0604]

Hi I don't know if I'm doing this right but here goes anyway. I may upset people but please I ask you not to judge as I have no one to talk to about it. I have an elderly dad, 96, who has lived in a care home for 18 months. We are not close and I no longer visit him because I just could not bring myself to do it anymore. I am fed up, even bitter that it's just been me looking out for him since my mum died in 2014; he was always a very difficult to like sort of man, and not a good parent, stripped away all my self esteem and self confidence, again which I am quite bitter about. I could bring myself to visit him once in a while if he wasn't totally deaf, he uses a hearing aid but the doctor said his ears are blocked so it doesn't help much, and he refuses to have his ears cleaned out. He won't have his cararacts removed either and has macular degeneration so he can't see me or hear me. He shouts and has poor hygiene and basically has no life at all, he doesn't even want to be here, I honestly do not know why God/the universe is keeping him alive. He is no good to anyone and also all my inferitance, which would have been left to my daughters in turn, has been used up in care home fees. I am a pensioner and pay rent so I could have bought a little house for myself. I am depressed, fed up, and with everything going on in this country with the costs of living etc I can't see life getting any better. I have seen nice people and younger people die but he is still here, WHY?

@rk0604 sorry for your situation. Are you un the UK? Also, it is totally safe to be fed up on here. Only you have experienced your life. Don’t respond to posters who criticise you for being unkind. Vent away.

@rk0604 you sound really fed up, maybe even depressed and I can see why you ciukd possibly be like that.

My "D"M wasn't what you'd call an ideal Parent either. I really would recommend seeking some therapy. I understand that you can't afford to pay for Counselling but you might be able to self refer to Talking Therapy in your area?

I understand OP

@rk0604 Talking therapy suggested is NHS and a great idea. 🤗

I definitely understand OP.
Life is just shit sometimes isn't it?
Keep venting on here if it helps.
Someone (many, probably) will be along soon to tell you how ungrateful you are because their parents are dead and they would give anything to have them back. Just tell them to fuck off.

Sending hugs op it's not an easy situation for anyone x

You might get flamed on here, but honestly, I do understand, and I really feel for you. It’s often the mean ones that live that long! Sod’s Law if you ask me.

@Bohomovies perfect quote. The mean ones etc…my view is they experience zero stress, just projection of how bloody perfect they are, in their eyes to those around them. @rk0604 look after your own health 🤗

Thank you for all the replies, it first the first time I have said all that 'out loud', thank you. 😊

@rk0604 purge away. 🤗 I will advise is ignore and do not respond to criticism. This is your thread your story

Totally get where you, re coming from. Life's difficult isn't it?. Go easy on yourself. 💐.

Just because someone has got old, doesn't mean they're weren't nasty and abusive. My parents are awful Op, I suggest therapy, it has helped me no end.

I couldn't care less now what happens to them at the end of their lives, after they spent so much of their time trying to destroy mine. You're not alone, leave him to it, you owe him nothing.

I'm sorry it's so grim. I won't go on but I certainly know the feeling of wishing a life that no longer has any quality would end. [Flowers]

@rk0604 you are not alone! Lots of lovely and tired but helpful posters on here.

There is a thread on here you might find useful @rk0604
I will see if I can find it

It is on the elderly parents section( as is this 😂)

Yes, in the UK, Northants

Definitely not alone

There was some research that suggested that the more cantankerous you are, generally the longer you live. I'm expecting my "D"M to live to at lest 120 even though the current thing that she likes to tell everyone at the moment is that "I haven't had a moment's pleasure since I turned 80".

@rk0604 do you have any hobbies or things you enjoy? I love the Ancient Worlds - can immerse myself in that online…might not be your thing but think you may understand my motive https://classicalassociation.org

It should have been the other way round, with my dad going first, I would have loved my mum to live longer, my dad seems to be immortal even when he was in hospital with a broken hip for 3 months he got many infections including sepsis but still bounced back. My mum deserved some time without him, he wasn't very nice to her.

yes I read, do crosswords and puzzles, walks, gardening . . . .

Thank you @BlueLegume The Classical Association looks very interesting! I have a difficult ish mother who I have distanced myself from. Suddenly have a lot more energy and bandwidth for my things. I went swimming for the first time in three years the other day. Amazing what happens when you’re not either dreading an interaction or getting over one! I phoned her today and inhaled a ton of crisps and chocolate after. Not good. at. all.

It would be pointless removing cataracts from someone who has significant macular degeneration. That’s one less thing to worry about. (I run a weekly cataract clinic).

@rk0604 , sometimes it’s really, really difficult to speak our truth because we don’t want to hurt someone or be judged. That’s one of the reasons a therapist can be so helpful.
The only thing I would say to you is to be careful that you don’t give yourself regrets when he’s gone, if you could try and make your peace with him now it might help you later.

Welcome to the board OP. Life is a grind sometimes, and some days you don’t see how it can ever get better. Try to let go of the guilt, and focus on how you can improve your own life.