Assisting a parent

[Onlyadaughter]

My dad passed away last year and DM (mid 70s) is on her own now. Myself and my sibling live a short drive away. DM doesn't drive so almost every week I've been taking her to get groceries. She can get the bus and walk to the supermarket but only to get things that aren't too heavy. We also have my DGM still with us but very elderly. She's been in hospital recently and DM is helping her back home now along with carers. I'm not sure how long DM will be doing this for as it appear the carers don't do everything. I think it was a bit of a difficult start and DM always sees the negative and makes things worse than they are so not sure how it will go. DM can be hard work, she is a bit emotionally immature and goes into helpless mode over various things. She doesn't use a computer so asked me to help with some things there as well but I feel it's getting out of hand a bit, tried to pull back and she pulled the "I'm getting old!" "I can't do this kind of thing" card. Refuses to learn. She also likes to try emotional blackmail ("You'll miss me when I'm gone!" type of thing) but I don't rise to it.

Sibling has refused to take her grocery shopping but has helped out once or twice with this when I've been unable. There's no other family to help really. Sibling also helped a lot with the legal stuff when DF passed, with household/practical things needing done and we both helped with the funeral. DM was stressing and unable to do much.

DM has also had some medical appointments that I've taken her to (I work full time, no kids). DM has some mobility issues just now but refuses to take a taxi the short trip to the surgery and asked me to do it so I'd had to go out of my way to take her there.

I feel kinda depressed that this is my life now. DM also doesn't really have friends, there's one but she's not seen her for ages and another who also lost her husband but again she's not really proactive in getting in touch and has zero interest in trying to make new friends or getting any outside interests. I think she'd prefer it if it were me and her only, doing things together. Me running her to garden centres every weekend. She has always wanted the kind of relationship she's had with DGM with me I think but I wasn't interested in walking around the local shops. I don't mind taking her for a coffee or something now and then but she never asks how I'm doing, what I've been up to and either witters on about medical problems or about some randoms that I don't know. So it feels very one sided and frustrates me. I think we're just different people, her world is very small whereas I like to experience new things and go out of my comfort zone from time to time. I don't mind helping a bit it just seems like it's not enough.

I have pulled back a little, I had a weekend to myself a while back (she wasn't happy) but I said I need to rest sometimes. I did get quite run down and full of the cold when DGM was in hospital and felt bad that I couldn't go and visit her. I also took myself on a short break (she wanted to come, I said no I need some time to myself and it was fun but now I'm back on the hamster wheel. I also took DM on a holiday earlier in the year, she keeps on about another one but of course it would have to be with me, she's been away herself/with a friend in the past but won't entertain that atm. I don't have many friends myself but I try to see the few I have semi-regularly.

I took DM to an event this weekend, for stress management. I thought it would be good for her to learn some techniques to help herself. She wouldn't go alone of course so I went too and it was pretty good. Not sure if she'll apply it in her life, she seems to enjoy "living on her nerves" but we'll see. Her comment to me after when I'd asked what she'd thought though was "I felt that (the woman running it) had a petty excuse for seeking help. She didn't have much hard stuff going on in her life!" (The woman had said she gone through a period with 2 close family members with ill health and some issues/stress with her job. My mother sees this as "petty". She, on the other hand has so much hard stuff going on, and is so very busy. I told her it's not a competition or race to the bottom.)

I think she's currently ignoring me because she had a small issue happen this morning (something broke in DGM's house) and she texted to let me know. I'd already told her yesterday when she'd asked that I didn't want to see her today because I need a day to myself to get stuff done and relax a little and don't want to spend all weekend together. So she mentioned about this broken thing and she'd need a new one but didn't expressly ask me to go and get one she just blah blah'ed about it a bit and didn't even reply to my previous message. I'd have probably got the wrong one anyway so she'd have wanted to go as well. Which would have taken more time out of my day because she drags things out and I'd not have had time to do things at home. I asked how her day had been and she replied and said she'd had to ask my sibling to take her to the shops. This is another thing, last weekend I'd been ill and unable to take her shopping. Cue DM having a strop. I'd said had she asked my sibling? She said no, sibling is always busy. So I messaged sibling myself and they said they'd take her! So evidently I'm the go-to help and woe betide me if I can't assist her.

Thanks for reading.

@Onlyadaughter feel for you, far too many of these elderly mothers literally deciding WE are their go to all the time. One phrase that I do like is from a website I will post at the end of this. The phrase is ‘selective competence’. Essentially they decide what they ‘can’t’ do so we end up doing it. The reality is they ‘won’t do it so we feel obliged or guilt tripped. Have a nosey around the site I find it very soothing when things get too much https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

I can recommend using the Do Not Disturb setting on your phone to block notifications for calls and messages getting through at any time you're doing other things or having a break. I use mine during work and commuting hours.

It stops that feeling of being on edge every time the phone rings or pings.

I’ve been a carer for an elderly parent for 12 years. It’s not quite the same for me as there are more family members to help out but the lion’s share falls to me.

Try not to step in too much - agree with PP re selective competence. If your mum can use the bus to get shopping, let her keep that up as long as possible.

Are home deliveries available from the local supermarket? If you are doing any heavy shopping for her, do it this way so she gets used to the notion that there are other people to help. Maybe make the point that you don’t want to be lugging heavy items around. If she is resistant, you could say that there’s going to be a month coming up when you are not going to be very available and you want things set up so she’s got what she needs.

Has she been in a taxi before? It could be that she’s nervous about it in which case, create a scenario where she takes a taxi from her house with you (say parking is a nightmare, whatever).

Your mum isn’t going to change- if anything, some of her personality traits may become more exaggerated as she gets older. Therefore, think carefully about your boundaries. if possible sit down with your sibling to chat through roles in the short term but also to think about what’s ahead and some scenarios which you may be facing with your mum.

All the best 🤗

Your poor mother must be bereft - only a year since she lost her life partner, and she has no-one in her life apart from DGM who she is supporting, and two DC who want to be a lot less in her life. And don’t underestimate the huge tie you feel towards your children even when they’ve left home. I’m not surprised she can only see the negative.

But that doesn’t mean you have to full all (or even any) gaps in her life.

She seems to have accepted your sister is busy. Why doesn’t she accept you are? Are you scrupulous about saying “I can’t do this because I have a meeting/appointment/work I need to finish” rather than “I need time to myself”?

I find a “deferred yes” is useful. “Yes, I can fix that for you when I drop in next Wednesday”.

“witters on about medical problems or about some randoms that I don't know” This is a common complaint. Can you not try to develop interest in the randoms, just as you would about randoms in a book or on a TV program? I realised my father needed to talk - he spent all day listening to the radio, so when I was there his need was to talk, not to listen. But I also found that if I emailed him all our news, he would talk about that.

It’s really nice that you’re taking her on holiday and taking her out, and it would be nice if that could continue - that’s mother and daughter stuff (although that presupposes you actually like her, and that’s not coming through in your current state of frustration), but for your own sanity you need to cut down on all the personal assistant stuff. Things like moving her over to on-line shopping or shopping for her instead of taking her, set up an account with a taxi firm, finding tradesmen that she can use in the future. And start saying “no”. Or at least “no, not before next week”.

I empathise OP. Have found myself in the same situation this year. Some people are natural carers and happy to take on that role (I have huge respect for them). However, like you, it's something I struggle with. My DM looked after her DM, so there is an element of, I did it, so should you. What she fails to acknowledge is that it had a massive impact on my childhood and her health. So instead of making me inclined to take on the carer role too, it makes me feel the opposite. I also have 3 DC. I have found stepping back has helped. Initially she went into helpless mode, but I knew if I jumped in and solved everything that would continue. She is capable and uses a computer etc. She is still relatively 'young' so I knew she needed a confidence boost. She was so proud to tell me she'd organised various things. I do an online food shop for her every week. Could that be an option for you? Don't feel guilty. I've realised self preservation is important and other people's potential judgements are not worth my concern. She hasn't planned for old age at all and now expects me to pick up the pieces. I would never burden my DC like that.

I would never burden my DC like that. Easy to say, and to do the obvious things like PoA, de-cluttering, but age changes you, and loss of a life partner changes you. And the world changes.

I meant that I would never burden my DC by not trying to plan for old age. Of course I may have needs, but I will at least try to mitigate for declining mobility etc. My MIL has already identified the retirement apartments she likes and has registered interested with the company. She's downsized and got all finances sorted etc. My DM has done absolutely nothing and looks to me (as the only child) to sort everything out.

@HalfaCider totally understand. My ILs have put loads of things in place - moved to a really convenient location, really manageable property, also really close to a home both of them like and would be willing to consider should the time come…literally walking distance. Mineon the other hand did nothing and are now utterly miserable with the outcome that and mother is making sure we all know she is miserable. Dad in nursing home she hates, it is fine in fact better than fine. Her home is falling apart because they refused to maintain it preferring massive upheavals over the years so all of a sudden the jobs done 20 years ago now need to be re done. No workmen locally want to know her as she has such a bad reputation - pretty grim really. You have my sympathy. No one wants to burden anyone but most adult children are more than happy to muck in and help. That is very tricky when absolutely nothing done or suggested is good enough. So it falls to us to be cleaning, she refuses to have a cleaner. Shopping, she refuses to have an online shop and we desperately want her to eat (yes I have a mother in her 80s with an eating disorder-she has always had one but we have all masked it as ‘bing thin’ is an way of showing people she has/had control as opposed to her fat daughters 🤣 I jest you not….also we are not fat) So yes help is always something we want to offer BUT when someone has done nothing to help them selves it does jar.

I am just a few years younger than your mother and I would hate to think that was me in a few years time. I have not got over the fact that your mother cannot use the internet. For a person of her generation there is absolutely no excuse. Could you not order her weekly shopping online?
You are entitled to you own free time and you need to step back. Your mother won’t get a taxi because she can persuade you to take her. You are not doing her any favours by doing things for her.
I have already had the conversation with my adult children that they are not going to run round after me or look after me.
My own mother is in her 90s and I don’t run round after her. Distance and the fact she wasn’t a great mother have a lot to do with it! However my mother knows there is no point moaning because my sister and I will just ask her if she wants to go into a home.

@Flossflower fantastic post. Interestingly my mother was a prolific user of the internet ‘stalking’ us all, ordering vast amounts of clothes, food etc. Then when DF had to go into a nursing facility she appears to have pressed the self destruct/sabotage button and now all we hear is ‘I can’t do that’….she can because we can see things on her iPad, she has decided she ‘won’t’. A steady stream of lovely people, us included rallied to help when DF was put into the home. One by one she alienated each and every one as her real personality emerged without DF to monitor her awfulness. Won’t have a food delivery, won’t use the freezer, won’t get taxis, won’t buy new clothes for her now starved frame - yes we have provided food but th food is never right. I have said to her if this continues we will be discussing a home. Her response was/is ‘you can’t make me’. So in the meantime we are constantly fire fighting. I think secretly she loves it, attention is attention after all positive or negative.

Thanks everyone for your responses. Thanks for the link on FOG @BlueLegume, I'd heard that term before and definitely think there's some of that at play will have a read of the website. I like the idea of a deferred yes, I do that sometimes, oh I'll take you there in a week or so but it's when she's wanting things done on a specific day (or straight away!).

Sibling is away back to work now (works away from home for 2 weeks) so it's just me. Sibling had been running DM to and from DGM's house the last couple of days. DM also apparently got a lift from DGM's neighbour and a family friend recently and commented that she'd need to start getting taxis. I don't think she's been in a taxi herself, maybe got one back with my dad after a dance or something. DM has roped me into taking her for a medical appointment this week - this involves me driving 15 mins to pick her up and take her to the clinic 5 minutes away because of her mobility issues. Work has been fine with me doing this in the past but it just seems silly me having to drive to take her a short distance?!

She's always been an anxious/controlling person who tried to clip my wings and restrict what I did in life, eg when I decided to go travelling but luckily I didn't let her hold me back. DM is also a hoarder and I imagine sibling and I will be left to deal with the rooms full of crap when the time comes. Because she's certainly not going to do it. Hoarding started when we moved out so has been accumulating for around 20 years. Can't even open the door to my old bedroom now. DM hasn't worked since she had me so has no concept of the modern working world or technology. My dad was the one sorting bills, dealing with computer stuff etc.

I have a friend in the same situation, her DF passed the previous year and DM also doesn't drive and is pretty reliant on my friend.

I think it's because sibling has kids and I don't. Sibling has to wait on kids getting in from school, or needs to have a day out with the family. I don't have that "excuse" I have no kids so should be available to help. Maybe I could make up things I'm doing, feels wrong but if it gives me a breather. It's the fact that my sibling is home for 3 weeks and often free but she's still relying on me for things (been a bit better this week but that's because I've been working).

She doesn't tend to call (did once wailing down the phone about DGM forgetting something but it's like she's amazed she's so old and forgets/gets confused a bit?) I kind of made light of things and she eventually calmed down but then I was stressed! But she'll text going on about things, sometimes it's relevant stuff other times she's going on about some tv show she's watching or starts on about Corrie characters like they're real people I know! Occasionally she'll follow up with another text soon after.

Haha but she'll go on about these randoms like I know them! You remember old Mr so and so? We used to see him at church when you were 5! Well his sister's husband's cousin's son just had a leg amputated (not really but this is the kind of stuff she comes out with expecting me to be interested) waffle waffle about this person for the next 30 mins. When I try to talk about things going on my life she'll often cut in. One time years ago I'd been on holiday and tried to tell her about it afterwards only for her to talk right over me about the dentist's father who had been to the same country! So annoying and makes me feel like she's not interested. When I say about talking over others she says that she just HAS to get it out.

I think the thing with online shopping is that it could be dangerous because she's already addicted to buying stuff from QVC. This is what she wants me helping with the computer for - printing returns labels because 9 times out of 10 she sends back what she's bought. Regarding food shopping I think she just wants to see what's there and also sees it as an outing. I could maybe see if I can do it once in a while though but I can imagine she won't be pleased. They did it during lockdown because it was necessary. I would definitely like her to take some responsibility here though so will see what I can do.

I don't mind taking her on holiday but we always fall out. She's hard work and she'll do things like start talking at me when I'm reading a book and then call me rude if I say I'm busy. She's not averse to raising her voice either if she thinks I'm being "rude". She has no self awareness and is also critical and judgemental of others "Look at that woman's blah blah" often within earshot. It's so embarrassing.

I'm really dreading her getting older, more difficult and possibly getting ill with something. What am I supposed to do, give up my work and move in with her? I can't do that. But hopefully it won't come to that kind of thing. I suppose the only good thing is that she's arranged her own funeral now, after my dad hadn't and it was a lot to sort out. Which is sad to think about but one less thing for us to deal with.

@Onlyadaughter goodness if I didn’t know better I would suggest we share the same mother! Pet hate is the tale of Mr So and So and his sisters uncles great nephew - firstly I do not know them and secondly I DO NOT CARE. It is just distraction idle chatter. Try getting her to discuss facts and practical things she will shut down the conversation. I did smile at the holiday conversation ending up being about the dentist. That is so my mother. That or she, and this is a long time thing not an old age thing, pronounce the name of somewhere just slightly wrong, but slightly ‘posh’ or in an ‘accent’. If you correct her she will point blank tell me that I have it wrong. I won’t name 2 places she does it about all the time as it will definitely be outing but it is quite laughable if not also annoying. I think the term is black catting. As in if you told my mother you had a black cat, her cat would be blacker 🙄

Well, indeed. And your Mum has had a massive shock to the system when her husband died.

@Onlyadaughter your life is not less than your siblings because you do not have DCs, you are not required to sacrifice yourself. My friend is single and does so much for her DPs, in her case she does it because she wants to but I wonder what will happen once she is on her own as most of her friendships, hobbies and any holidays have fallen by the wayside.

I think you are in a frog boiling situation. I would start pushing back on some of the minor requests, say that your work has made some new rules about taking time out unless it's for emergencies and encourage her to get used to taking a taxi. It's for her own benefit as gives her a bit of freedom to go places.

If you do book a holiday with her, make sure you also book one for yourself without her. You deserve your own space and relaxation too

Having been recently relieved of my caring role of 20 years by death I would say try to give yourself in a dedicated way but equally step back with the same dedication.
For example tell your Mum you can commit to physically take her shopping one week in four, don't rush her enjoy a coffee out etc but the other three weeks she needs to use the Tesco app set up on an ipad with instructions.
You can both have log in details so you can set up the delivery and check it out.

If she can QVC shop she can absolutely click on food items.

Treat it like reverse toddler training.

@stayathomegardener what a great post. I hope things are ok for you after 20 years that must be quite an adjustment. I understand the comment made by @SunnieShine I do think though when some of us on here have been patient, listened, possibly enabled poor behaviour by trying to do too much we have to accept some people simply are difficult. Huge sympathy for anyone losing a partner. the problem some of us have, well me perhaps is that our parents have always been fractious, negative, toxic and judgemental of everyone and everything. Suddenly seeming to ‘play’ the sad little old lady and unable to help herself or cope does stick in the throat somewhat. From someone with a constantly negative judgemental view about how I look, what I do, what I eat, where | live, where I buy clothes, what car I drive suddenly I am the go to person to sort her mess out. So for those people who see a huge change in parents I absolutely understand the need to step up more. For me it feels I was surplus to requirements most of my life until now when she has alienated everyone else. I do appreciate this sounds harsh but it is my reality.

Haha but she'll go on about these randoms like I know them! Well, you will know them if you listen! Fake interest. You care about her, so try to be interested in what she cares about. And remember she needs to talk, you have other people you can talk to.

And tell her about the family in a letter. She will be interested. It’s just that the need to talk overwhelms everything.

In the evening “I’m sorry, I can’t come over, I’ve just had a glass of wine” is useful.

@MereDintofPandiculation the glass of wine /g and t ‘trick sadly doesn’t work for our mother. Tried it once, yes it worked, second time she said ‘I have just transferred £100 to you. Get a taxi.’ I live an hour away when I am in the UK. I understand the need to talk, I am patient and give her time. It just feels like it sucks that she was gadding about at my age yet made no plans. I have planned well and retired early to enjoy life whilst I am still active and she decided to sabotage it/clip my wings as she always has done. She does have other people she talks to but they get a very different story from her as to what is actually happening. I have asked her why she tells people or misleads them so they feel sorry for her. She has no answer. She has always had a tendency to mis represent the truth so perhaps is just a habit. I had calls from two separate people recently basically telling me I needed to do more. They had been given the impression she had no food or ability to buy it, couldn’t use her bank account and that my DF nursing care was and I quote ‘bankrupting’ her. All wrong. Food is provided and very nice choices at that. She has no issue with her bank and best of all DF is costing her very little as he qualified for continuing health care (CHC). Yes a few toiletries here and there plus some spending money but the people walked away feeling really sorry for her and placed me and my sister as the villains. DB is on the scene but very sensibly tells us he is busy with work all the time. Rueing the day my DDis and I retired.

@BlueLegume Yeah, I remember a friend of my father's saying severely that my mother would never have let my father wear a shirt that was frayed at the cuffs. Well, maybe, but my father's willpower exceeds mine. And in terms of keeping him alive, well, and independent, getting food into him and medication was more important than frayed cuffs.

I have said this before, and I know it’s not easy. She won’t change, you can only change your own behaviour not hers. Step back, be less available. Or don’t - and she will continue to expect your attention, and will ask more and more of you. Like I said, it isn’t easy. But it is your choice, and it is a choice.

Maybe I could make up things I'm doing, feels wrong but if it gives me a breather.
You need to do this. Stop telling her you need a rest time to yourself.

@Purplecatshopaholic absolutely agree. I know all the theory and for the most part I follow it. Just frazzles my brain at times the manipulation and the martyrdom she portrays. Thanks all as ever sometimes just need a vent to remind myself I am not going mad.

I did my first bout of caring for parents in my 20s before I had children and I do think it was harder because I didn't have that "excuse" not to get sucked into it all. I should have prioritised work more than I did and I was lucky to emerge out the other end able to pursue my career. That would have had extremely negative consequences for the rest of my life. But also I'm older now and more assertive so don't stand for a lot of the stuff I once did.

The endless talking about randoms drives me mad. I know mine needs to do it and doesn't have an off switch but she doesn't need to talk to me about it. It's upsetting because the only time she pays attention to anything to do with me is if she can use it to attention seek with other people. Plus I have two people at home and a lot of people at work who need to tell me things, and those people really do need to tell ME. So they get priority. I've been through trying to listen and remember details but I can't be bothered any more so now I let her ramble on and do some online shopping at the same time.

I gave up the holidays with her about sixteen years ago. Used to go back to work exhausted and fed up, feeling that I hadn't had a break

The endless talking about randoms drives me mad. I know mine needs to do it and doesn't have an off switch but she doesn't need to talk to me about it. But who else does she have to talk to?

I've been through trying to listen and remember details but I can't be bothered any more so now I let her ramble on and do some online shopping at the same time. I crochet. Gives my mind something to do, without making it look so obvious that I’m not paying attention.

@MereDintofPandiculation unfortunately our mother has always rambled on even when she had loads of people around her. Constant monologues with absolutely no gaps to join in with the conversation have always been her USP so to speak. I had to deal with a disgruntled neighbour of hers recently and when I asked him if he had tried to speak to Mum about the issued he said he ‘couldn’t face being ‘mums name’ ed’ . Assume she is called Ann so he meant he couldn’t face being ‘Anned’ as in captured and monologued at.