Assisting a parent

[Onlyadaughter]

My dad passed away last year and DM (mid 70s) is on her own now. Myself and my sibling live a short drive away. DM doesn't drive so almost every week I've been taking her to get groceries. She can get the bus and walk to the supermarket but only to get things that aren't too heavy. We also have my DGM still with us but very elderly. She's been in hospital recently and DM is helping her back home now along with carers. I'm not sure how long DM will be doing this for as it appear the carers don't do everything. I think it was a bit of a difficult start and DM always sees the negative and makes things worse than they are so not sure how it will go. DM can be hard work, she is a bit emotionally immature and goes into helpless mode over various things. She doesn't use a computer so asked me to help with some things there as well but I feel it's getting out of hand a bit, tried to pull back and she pulled the "I'm getting old!" "I can't do this kind of thing" card. Refuses to learn. She also likes to try emotional blackmail ("You'll miss me when I'm gone!" type of thing) but I don't rise to it.

Sibling has refused to take her grocery shopping but has helped out once or twice with this when I've been unable. There's no other family to help really. Sibling also helped a lot with the legal stuff when DF passed, with household/practical things needing done and we both helped with the funeral. DM was stressing and unable to do much.

DM has also had some medical appointments that I've taken her to (I work full time, no kids). DM has some mobility issues just now but refuses to take a taxi the short trip to the surgery and asked me to do it so I'd had to go out of my way to take her there.

I feel kinda depressed that this is my life now. DM also doesn't really have friends, there's one but she's not seen her for ages and another who also lost her husband but again she's not really proactive in getting in touch and has zero interest in trying to make new friends or getting any outside interests. I think she'd prefer it if it were me and her only, doing things together. Me running her to garden centres every weekend. She has always wanted the kind of relationship she's had with DGM with me I think but I wasn't interested in walking around the local shops. I don't mind taking her for a coffee or something now and then but she never asks how I'm doing, what I've been up to and either witters on about medical problems or about some randoms that I don't know. So it feels very one sided and frustrates me. I think we're just different people, her world is very small whereas I like to experience new things and go out of my comfort zone from time to time. I don't mind helping a bit it just seems like it's not enough.

I have pulled back a little, I had a weekend to myself a while back (she wasn't happy) but I said I need to rest sometimes. I did get quite run down and full of the cold when DGM was in hospital and felt bad that I couldn't go and visit her. I also took myself on a short break (she wanted to come, I said no I need some time to myself and it was fun but now I'm back on the hamster wheel. I also took DM on a holiday earlier in the year, she keeps on about another one but of course it would have to be with me, she's been away herself/with a friend in the past but won't entertain that atm. I don't have many friends myself but I try to see the few I have semi-regularly.

I took DM to an event this weekend, for stress management. I thought it would be good for her to learn some techniques to help herself. She wouldn't go alone of course so I went too and it was pretty good. Not sure if she'll apply it in her life, she seems to enjoy "living on her nerves" but we'll see. Her comment to me after when I'd asked what she'd thought though was "I felt that (the woman running it) had a petty excuse for seeking help. She didn't have much hard stuff going on in her life!" (The woman had said she gone through a period with 2 close family members with ill health and some issues/stress with her job. My mother sees this as "petty". She, on the other hand has so much hard stuff going on, and is so very busy. I told her it's not a competition or race to the bottom.)

I think she's currently ignoring me because she had a small issue happen this morning (something broke in DGM's house) and she texted to let me know. I'd already told her yesterday when she'd asked that I didn't want to see her today because I need a day to myself to get stuff done and relax a little and don't want to spend all weekend together. So she mentioned about this broken thing and she'd need a new one but didn't expressly ask me to go and get one she just blah blah'ed about it a bit and didn't even reply to my previous message. I'd have probably got the wrong one anyway so she'd have wanted to go as well. Which would have taken more time out of my day because she drags things out and I'd not have had time to do things at home. I asked how her day had been and she replied and said she'd had to ask my sibling to take her to the shops. This is another thing, last weekend I'd been ill and unable to take her shopping. Cue DM having a strop. I'd said had she asked my sibling? She said no, sibling is always busy. So I messaged sibling myself and they said they'd take her! So evidently I'm the go-to help and woe betide me if I can't assist her.

Thanks for reading.

She has loads of people to talk to, she sees many more people socially than I do, at least one or two people
every day, sometimes a group of them
several times a week. She circles between them telling the next one anything negative about the previous one. I put up with it for years, then realised what she did, although it did give me a very negative view of a lot of her friends for years! She's always portrayed as the martyr helping these people out of their dreadful mistakes! Then my life got a lot more busy and I don't have the time for it any more.

She doesn't live nearby so I don't see her in person that often. I do craft in those situations but otherwise it's on the phone so I can get on with sorting out the shopping order. She refuses to use Zoom so she can't see me!

She refuses to use Zoom so she can't see me! Even on Zoom I assume people don’t know whether the screen I’m looking at so attentively is the one with them on, or the newspaper, or a game, or the notes for the meeting I’m going to tomorrow.

Just catching up. I ended up taking her to another medical appointment today (during working hours) and she's asked me to take her to another couple next week! She did mention she'd spoken to her cousin who might be able to drive her to one of them.

I was over there last night as well and when I got in she texted me some irrelevant crap (something about a school she'd seen on the news) which I have no interest in because a) I don't have kids b) it's not even a local school c) I don't care. I was tired anyway so just ignored it until this morning.

And then she kept texting me stuff throughout the day which was draining. I know she's lonely but ugh. A blow-by-blow account of waiting on tradesmen showing up and how she'd had to phone them. Then 10 mins later updating me that they'd arrived. I just replied with "ok" or the thumbs up button.

I think she's really struggling being with DGM and helping. IDGM is currently confined to her bed but getting therapy to strengthen her legs so hopefully she'll be back using her walker soon. I told her it's ok to take a step back sometimes. The carers come in several times a day but she's there constantly too unless she's visiting her own house. She was in tears saying she's depressed and can't stand it, she can't even grieve my dad because she's so busy. I'm not sure what the answer is here though?

She's also round at her house now after I dropped her back off earlier and said "I'll need a lift back to DGM's tonight around 7". I'd been thinking she was going to stay at her own house but no of course she needs to give DGM her medication before bed. So I'll take her but I think I'm going to clamp down on Fridays. I need to decompress after the working week. And tomorrow is her shopping day, I might get a free lunch out of it but that's not the point. It's the time it takes out of my life. I told her I have numerous things (she wanted to know what!) that I need to sort which are just not getting done because I'm busy with her! I came home feeling quite grumpy and stressed out. If only she could drive! Well she can but she won't. My friend's parents are the same age and still fun their own full time businesses and drive themselves everywhere. They keep active doing diy in their house and going out together. I just wish she'd try and make friends or get hobbies but she's just not interested. Definitely correct about her not changing and I think she's comfortable in a way. So I need to adjust things myself.

The QVC thing she watches it on tv then phones them to order stuff. So she's not using a computer. She seems adamant she can't use a computer. I don't think it's that hard though I think she's just being stubborn. I've showed her multiple times how to switch it on but it never sinks in. She doesn't have an iPad maybe that would be easier for her to use and I could sort online shopping for her?

I don't really drink or else the wine excuse would be a good one! Or maybe I could say she's drove me to drink :D

I do wonder if she might benefit from something from Age UK. Maybe give them a call, see what's available locally.

As for caring for your DGM, that's very difficult. I agree she ideally needs to let the carers do as much as possible but it's obviously part of her identity (perhaps also a tiny bit of showing off to you what she thinks a daughter should do??) If she needs support to even go and see your DGM then she's not actually an effective part of the care package - you are, if youre filling that gap. So you're now caring for two people. No wonder you are feeling strained.

It might be worth trying to invest some time improving the setup for your DGM so that you (via your DM) are not being roped in for medication calls or other care tasks. Could the medication be taken in fewer lots? Are all the meds essential, is there an argument for stopping any of them? (Statins for example are a bit of a nightmare, most effective if taken last thing at night after most carers are long gone, BUT there's an argument against taking them at an advanced age and they are still effective if taken at other times, just not as good). Ask DGM's GP for a medication review. And do question if your DGM should really be in a home, if she is that dependent on your DM who has her own care needs! Im certain your DM will fight it but what does your DGM feel?

Thanks yes I'll see if Age UK are able to help in some way.

Yes that's true due to her current mobility issues (hopefully not going to be long lasting) she is unwilling to walk to my DGM's house and instead requests lifts. She did however finally arrange a taxi tonight! I was seeing a friend so unable to help.

I'm not sure what the meds are for but she's at home now so not sure if they've been given and she won't be back until tomorrow night. DGM was adamant she didn't want to go in a home but perhaps even respite care at a home for a short while might be an idea will see.

DM messaged me today saying that the carers have been using up all of DGM's food very quickly (we only went shopping yesterday!) and that she needs me to take her shopping tomorrow after work to get soup etc. DM had already messaged asking if I'd take her to Asda today but I had gardening and stuff to do and I'd already spent all of yesterday ferrying her around and I'm back working tomorrow. So she said she'd see if her cousin could take her. But now the food situation is bad so she needs me to take her shopping.

So I said I'd take her tomorrow BUT I'm having the weekend off so we will need to get all of her stuff as well, or her cousin can help with that. DM lost her shit and launched into "I hope to hell I never need too depend on you looking after me, could never rely on you to help out and stay over like I've been doing with DGM!"

I tried to placate her a bit (although it made me angry getting that thrown at me) and said I have a full time job, I need to pay my bills so how could I look after another person like she has been doing (DM hasn't worked since she had me). She ignored all that and just said she didn't realise it would be so much work, she's having to do this and that because the carers don't etc.

Now she's back to wittering on about some tv show about dogs that she's watching.

I wish I knew how to handle the situation and not stress or worry so much. DM has always been quite difficult, as a child she was quite an angry person, used to hit and shout a lot. Was quite anxious along with being critical and judgemental. I always felt like DGM was more of a mother to me, she was very kind, I was a bit scared of my mum at times and couldn't rely on her for emotional support :( I feel bad writing that down though.

I’ve got one of these OP and I have to live with her because I have chronic fatigue and depression. Because of this no-one in the family helps because they think I’m benefitting financially. It’s absolute hell on Earth. She’s a covert narcissist and she has become far worse as she’s aged. I’m now having to creep around her and pander to her every demand because she’s telling people that I’m abusing her. She also threatens to disinherit me every five minutes.

Why do you put up with your mum using up all your energy if you don’t have to?

@Onlyadaughter
You MUST put do not disturb on your phone with immediate effect. You are enabling her.

I'm in the same boat.

Mine won't
1)use a mobile phone
2)buy food shopping or indeed anything online as she doesn't want her bank details "in the ether".
3)won't go anywhere she might meet people to be sociable, no church socials, no coffee with ex colleagues, nothing.
4)refused the falls clinic despite having been hospitalised because of a bad fall.
5)won't do her exercises from the physio. But continually complains about not getting any better.
6)sits in her chair all day sleeping mostly and pumping herself full of big pharma meds she prob wouldn't need if she did indeed do the exercises.
7) tells me she must have this or that and I rush out to get it, only to find she had a backup one in the cupboard but she's us likes to have a spare. WTF
8)phones me when I've told her just yesterday that "I'm at an event tomorrow and will be tired so we won't have our usual evening chat tomorrow night ok?" She phones because she wants to know I'm ok. Thanks mum. Sigh.
9) tells me it's ages since we spoke. When I've been at her house four days in a row and spoke in the phone less than 22 hours prior.
10) forgets I work all day as she hasn't worked a full day since she married aged 25. That's over 50 years ago. Yet she equates her days with mine. Her expectations of me are what hers were if herself. With her mum. Who also didn't work and they hung out and continually phoned each other. I have to work til 67.

But I do love her and she loves me. It's just so bloody exhausting.

But I'm getting the measure of her.

The papers can be delivered.
I can get a shopping list from her over the phone and order from Asda online to deliver to her.
I can switch my phone to silent if I need to do stuff.

I just wish she'd hurry up and get better. I never knew how good I had it having my own life without having to run it round someone else's.

Gosh I can't imagine living with my mum again @CharlotteLucas3 , that would drive me crazy. Sorry you're dealing with that. Sending hugs.

The Do Not Disturb sounds good. She doesn't phone often mainly texts but maybe it works with that too.

God @DeliciousApples they sound so similar! Only difference is my mother has a mobile (she can text luckily) but can't really use the internet apart from a little googling. She's always telling me to "look things up". She has also not started having falls yet luckily, she has a few other health issues but hopefully they will get sorted soon. I want to sort out online shopping for her because I'm sick of going to supermarkets and trudging around with her every weekend. She said she likes to have her choice but tough. Yes my DM and DGM have always been close over the years, going shopping together, afternoon spent wandering around M&S. I think my DM expected I'd be the same and want to have that kind of relationship with her but it would bore me silly, also she's always been critical of me and I don't want to be around that all the time. I don't mind taking her out once in a while but I like doing other things, travelling, doing interesting stuff when I can. I have told her to get in touch with a couple of friends and arrange something. She's not seen one of them in about 8 months. Another friend of hers died recently, I'd told her to visit her and she phoned and told her about my DF dying but that was it. Then she moans that she doesn't do anything!

Sibling and I had lunch with DM recently and discussed things. She's good at switching off or changing the subject if we mention changes we'd like implemented. Sibling suggested that DM and DGM just keep the one house, in this case DM's house would need cleared out of the hoard and a downstairs toilet put in. Reckons it would only take a few weeks (I think that's optimistic). DM went very quiet. She's so attached to stuff. My dad gave up with it all, she never even bothered to sort it out when he was going through terminal cancer, it can't have helped seeing that around him. Every now and then she'll throw out one or two things and makes noises about putting things up for sale or taking them to the charity shop but it never happens. The house needs a full clear out, only one of the bedrooms is usable and that's full of stuff too. Sibling suggested DGM's house could be rented out. We told her to think about things but I can't see it happening tbh but something has to happen. I can see sibling taking a big step back if she refuses to do anything. IWe care but we are tired. 'm getting over it as well and worry about the winter, have told her we need to sort out online shopping in case there's heavy snow, what if I was to break to leg or something?

Another thing she does is go on about everything the other child has done for her. She's done this a couple of times with me, texted about all the things sibling has done for her that day, they're so good etc. Sibling brought it up at the lunch as well so I'm wondering if she texts the same stuff to them about stuff I've done, to guilt or make us feel we should be doing more? Sibling told her not to play us off against each other and also said they will help out when they're home to give me a break. So that's good and DM has no excuses.

Yes Do Not Disturb works for text messages and WhatsApp too. The message arrives but you don't get a ping. It's great not to have the constant interruptions from the notifications arriving - the ones where you then lose track of what you were doing!

Mine is setup so calls and messages from certain people can get through but no one else. So people at work, my child's school and DH can still get hold of me if they need to.

I then try and respond on the same day to anything that's come in that needs a response but that might be 8 or more hours after it's arrived! It has cut down on the number of utterly pointless messages I receive!

That's great, thanks!

My FIL is in his 90s goes shopping on his mobility scooter a couple of times a week , meets friends in a local cafe and goes to a day centre once a week. He is getting frailer but tries very hard to be independent. He has a weekly cleaner , and carers who help him dress but he does a lot . Big shopping items the family helps him buy.

Your mother needs to push her self more , she can ring a taxi , she can shop , if you keep doing things for her she will lose those skills.
There is a big difference between supporting and enabling , I think you need to reclaim you time and get your mum to solve problems herself .
Taking her to all her doctor appointments etc is ridiculous

@Pumpkinpie1 wow your FIL sounds amazing. I do think it helps if they have always ‘done things’. My parents, well my mother has always isolated them by being totally contrary about everything. As a consequence she has zero hobbies or interests so inevitably is lonely. She also is and always has been very controlling. She has to have something to control. That has been me, my siblings and ultimately my father. When she can’t control something it is quite something to behold - hysteria really. She has a very tidy house but the drawers, cupboards and storage shed are rammed with ‘stuff’….cleaning products, clothes, she must have 50 coats. Our brother only noticed this last year and was alarmed enough to call my sister who casually informed him this has been lifelong. Bags hung in the shed stuffed with brand new yellow dusters, storage boxes crammed with vitamins and toiletries. Our now adult kids used to love asking to play in grannies ‘shop’. So this is not new behaviour.

@Pumpkinpie1 👏

@DeliciousApples What I did with my Dad was get him to give me £200, from which I deducted all purchases on his behalf, then got him to top it up when it was nearly gone. Less trouble than getting an exact repayment every time I shopped, and it meant I was never out of pocket.

Could you persuade her into getting a second card for internet use only? If a credit card, she wouldn't be putting her bank details into the ether, only the card details.

Taking her to all her doctor appointments etc is ridiculous Not necessarily. It’s hard to talk and take notes, really useful to have someone with you who can make sure everything the doctor says is recorded and understood. I didn’t take my 90 year old father to scans or blood tests, but I did go with him to any medical appointment where diagnosis and treatment was to be discussed.

@Pumpkinpie1 Your FIL sounds like my DGM was before her most recent fall, still living in her own house going shopping, doing some light gardening although sadly all her friends are long gone now.

DM has arranged a taxi a couple of times now but only to her house. I'm taking her to the Dr again soon because she's unsure about getting a taxi back. I'd already said no to this request but she asked again. Also sibling helps out a lot and I don't want her making a big deal out of me not helping as much.

I don't go into the Dr with her I just wait in the car park. She wanted me to walk over with her but I said no.

I do need to back off a bit, I can feel myself getting annoyed especially because I'm working and have to tell my boss about the appointments, work around them and make up the time I'm away. Sibling is pretty much free when they're home so can help a lot but doesn't have work to answer to.

@BlueLegume My DM is also quite controlling in an anxious way and is a hoarder. The house is full of crap some rooms you can't get into. She just won't do a thing about it. I imagine we'll need to deal with it ourselves eventually.

It's tough having to do extra thinking about all this stuff as well as the physical side of things.

Just a quick thought - but could she use the Tesco App for Whoosh deliveries? Or would that be equivalent to using a computer for her..? It’s a really easy and simple App